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Ross Ohlendorf: research intern

Nov 27, 2009, 9:20 AM EDT

There was a time when most ballplayers had regular joe jobs in the offseason. Some guys sold cars. Others sold real estate.  Richie Hebner dug graves for cryin’ out loud.  That practice is long gone now that even league minimum salaries are more than enough to live on through the winter, but somebody forgot to tell that to Pirates’ pitcher Ross Ohlendorf:

An e-mail requesting an internship arrived at the Agriculture
Department this summer with an impressive resume: Princeton University
degree in operations research and financial engineering, 3.8 college
GPA, 1520 SATs. Ross Ohlendorf didn’t mention his 95 mph sinking
fastball, but it probably wouldn’t have hurt his chances. Department
officials were impressed that the Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher wanted to
work for them in the offseason . . .

. . . Ohlendorf, who is 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 240 pounds, shares
a small office with another USDA employee. His work is mainly focused
on animal identification — the nationwide tracking system intended to
pinpoint an animal’s location after a disease is discovered.”I’ve
really enjoyed it,” he said. “In addition to learning a lot of things
and meeting a lot of neat people, I’ve gotten to do some cool events

Ohlendorf actually had a decent enough season for the Pirates this year, so he probably won’t need to think about getting a real job for a while. But maybe teammates Matt Capps and Brandon Moss should take note and start sharpening their resumes a little.

  1. Old Gator - Nov 27, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Once the horrific budget cuts that our former drooling imbecile of a president’s administration made in the USDA budget, Ohlendorf can concentrate on tracking down the botfly that’s vectoring that prion-based Indonesian brain disease that affects the Cubs during the last months of every season. He might even figure out that this disease, known originally to the Dutch pepper tree growers as De vloek van de Geitebok, was actually the pathology that caused our former drooling imbecile of a president’s drooling imbecility in the first place. If you look closely, you will soon notice a remarkable similarity between the symptoms that it manifests in both Chicago and Dallas. Hmmmm….

  2. Beanster - Nov 27, 2009 at 10:29 AM

    I was going to say something about Ross’ sabermetric senior thesis on the amateur draft, but then I saw Gator’s comment. Man, I can’t compete with that.

  3. Ron - Nov 27, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    Old Gator, you shouldn’t talk about Jimmy Carter that way. He’s a Nobel Peace Prize winner.

  4. gary - Nov 27, 2009 at 11:50 AM

    I’ll take the former President (not Carter) to life in the cesspool that is Obamastan.

  5. Grant - Nov 27, 2009 at 12:13 PM

    Oh man, Gator’s comment was amusing, but now this thread is getting political, which means I shall bid you gentlemen adieu.

  6. Old Gator - Nov 27, 2009 at 2:06 PM

    Let’s see how the Rangers are doing after Obama has been running them for a few years, then we’ll talk about it.

  7. Mark Runsvold - Nov 27, 2009 at 3:49 PM

    Don’t you read the news, Gator? Barry would have the Rangers working so hard on his collective farm they couldn’t get anything else done. When older players got injured, they’d be left to die in the outfield grass so some pencil-pusher could give their job to a leprosy-ridden, illegal immigrant. The Ballpark’s muezzin would be the highest-paid employee (making 500,000 Ameros), and the adhan would take precedence over all baseball activity.
    Or so I hear… Now, if you’ll excuse me I have Glenn Beck to watch and World News Daily to read.

  8. Old Gator - Nov 27, 2009 at 11:08 PM

    And probably have Anton Chighur as head of scouting, from which I can see a long flow of positive results. Incidentally, what kind of lenses and baffles do you wear to keep Glenn Beck from hurting your brain? After fifteen minutes of that raving dissociative schizophrenic, I need to have goat hairs shot into about a dozen cortical aneurysms. It’s worse than some of those old George Steinbrenner interviews.

  9. Mark Runsvold - Nov 28, 2009 at 10:35 AM

    Glenn’s words aren’t really meant for the brain per se. Just the limbic system. And the heart. And points south. If you accidentally get your cortex in the way, though–look out!

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  11. Caitlyn Leflores - Jan 17, 2010 at 2:13 AM

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