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New Year's resolutions for all 30 teams

Jan 1, 2010, 4:45 PM EDT

I’m kinda mad I didn’t think of this bit myself, but FanHouse’s Matt Snyder does a pretty good job of it, so I’ll get over it:

Once the clock strikes midnight and the calendar turns to a new year,
millions of people decide they are going to change something about
themselves that they could just change on their own any other day of
the year. It’s a good excuse to make it seem like you are improving
yourself. Why should the 30 major league baseball teams be any
different? We can have some fun with this. Here’s my quick resolution
for each of them . . .

I can get on board with most of them. Well, maybe not the one where the Cardinals resolve to get Albert Pujols liquored up and trick him into signing a lifetime extension. I think the Cardinals have had enough trouble with alcohol over the years to where maybe hypnotism or subliminal messages would be better.

And the one in which the Mariners resolve to teach Milton Bradley accountability is a bit of a reach as well. They’re just going to cut the dude if he acts up, so why waste the time?

Finally, the Twins’ resolution to teach Joe Mauer third base should probably be chucked right now. It didn’t work for Johnny Bench, why would it work for Mauer? Sign him to a long term deal. Catch him until his knees give out. Move him to DH. Enjoy a nice sunny day in Cooperstown with him in about 20 years.

But happy new year anyway.

  1. broadcastdon - Jan 1, 2010 at 8:50 PM

    “the Twins resolution to teach Joe Mauer third base…” I’m a 25+
    year fan of the Twins and I’m NOT aware of any plan to teach Joe 3rd base! When you hear the former HS All-America quarterback talk
    about QB’ing the Twins from behind the plate you’ll soon dispel any plans to move him to another infield position.

  2. Will - Jan 2, 2010 at 11:13 AM

    The Rockies should resolve to play a full season.

    Oh, I hope they take him up on this. The Rockies could have won the division last year if they played all season like they did in the second half. Plus they need to figure out how to beat the Dodgers.

  3. Old Gator - Jan 3, 2010 at 10:13 AM

    And Jeffrey Loria has resolved to avoid the payroll extravagances that have characterized his last four seasons of ownership of the Feesh.

  4. combat virus - Jan 14, 2010 at 9:55 AM

    It’s great to see this place is finally getting the attention it really deserves! Keep up the good work.

  5. Jeffry Hardges - Feb 3, 2010 at 1:19 PM

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