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Darren Daulton talks some sense

Jan 18, 2010, 8:58 AM EDT

Daulton.jpgRetired Phillies catcher Darren Daulton believes in alchemy, auras, telepathy, energy transfers, astral planes, planetary ascension, and parallel universes.  He believes that he had an had out of body experiences while playing at Wrigley Field one day. He believes that the universe is created and sustained by numerical synchronicities — the number 11 is particularly important in his life — and
that all matter is charged with extradimensional vibrational energy. He believes
that his moods have altered the weather before, that the pyramids were created by a lost
civilization — or possibly aliens — and that people with knowledge of the workings of the
universe will ascend to a higher plane of existence on Dec. 21, 2012, at 11:11 a.m.

And in the wake of the McGwire business, he’s talking more sense about steroids than anyone:

I think it gives a real good pulse of the American people . . . I mean, if I was a foreign country and wanted to take over this
country, I’d get a prescription for steroids and stand at the border
and wave them, and then watch the American people fold . . .

 . . . Finding out whether or not a guy does steroids or not, I could never
understand this. There are a lot of things that a lot of people do
behind closed doors that they probably don’t want the public to know
about. Whether you’re cheating on your wife, your husband, or you’re
doing drugs, you don’t want your boss to know about something, you’re
hiding something from somebody, or you’re watching porn and you’re
masturbating. Whatever it is, everybody’s got one of these or they
wouldn’t be here, but it seems like everybody gets to cast the first
stone when somebody else is caught doing something, or allegedly
caught. It makes them feel better, and again, this is kind of the pulse
of the American ego, as long as we can point our finger at somebody,
we’re okay, we feel better about ourselves.

The fact that one of the biggest nuts in the hemisphere is saying the
most sensible things about steroids probably means something. Though
what it is I have no idea.

  1. (Not That) Tom - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:10 AM

    “The fact that one of the biggest nuts in the hemisphere is saying the most sensible things about steroids probably means something. Though what it is I have no idea”
    Don’t think too much about it; Dutch’s is at a distinct advantage to see things us common folk can’t, what with his third eye and all…

  2. (Not That) Tom - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:11 AM

    Also, love the tag.

  3. Old Gator - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:14 AM

    In Denial: My following defense of Darren Daulton’s opinions about the universe are not rooted in the critical role he played as clubhouse and on-field leader and indispensable sparkplug to the Feesh’s 1997 championship. However, I do admit to cutting Darren some slack because of the encrustations of neural plaque on his dendrites resulting from all his years of eating those horrible horsemeat and velveeta sandwiches up in Feelie. Notwithstanding all of this:
    What makes any of the things Darren believes any less ridiculous than whatever someone who goes to church twice a year on Christmas and Easter believes? Give me a Cray IV supercomputer and nothing but ones and zeroes, or a couple of pieces of celluloid, a cyclotron and an ion or two, and I’ll prove to you the inevitability of a parallel universe or two. At least Unitarians are honest enough about it so that they still intimidate their enemies by burning question marks on their lawns. But I challenge you to prove to me that chicken soup is efficacious in a manner that would be taken seriously anywhere outside the readership of The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
    Darren Daulton, by your own admission, has proven that he can go to eleven. And you?

  4. Craig Calcaterra - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:17 AM

    Gator — my belief that Daulton is a nut in no way excludes the possibility that people who believe that a kindly gray haired old man watches over us like a vengeful Santa Claus are likewise nuts.

  5. Old Gator - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:26 AM

    Y-y-you mean that you don’t believe in Bud Selig?!Ack! Anatheme sur vous !

  6. Old Gator - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:42 AM

    “He believes that the universe is created and sustained by numerical synchronicities — the number 11 is particularly important in his life ….”
    Craig Calcaterra, Mon Jan 18,2010 8:58 AM ET
    “There are 11 minutes of action in an entire football game.”
    Craig Calcaterra, Fri Jan 15,2010 4:20 PM ET

  7. Craig Calcaterra - Jan 18, 2010 at 9:47 AM

    My mind is officially blown.

  8. Wooden U. Lykteneau - Jan 18, 2010 at 10:20 AM

    What’s more interesting is to consider the dynamic of the 1993 Phillies clubhouse:
    Redneck: John Kruk
    Blowhard: Curt Schilling
    Nutjob: Darren Daulton
    Goofball: Larry Andersen
    Huckster: Lenny Dykstra
    Gentleman/Hockey Dad: Pete Incaviligia

  9. motherscratcher - Jan 18, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    I was going to say that Darren Daulton and Bill Lee should get together and make some kind of talk show or reality show. I would watch that show. At the very least they should form a bowling team.
    But, I’m afraid that whatever I said would pale in comparison to the awesomeness spewing forth from Old Gator’s keyboard.

  10. YankeesfanLen - Jan 18, 2010 at 11:46 AM

    Thanks for the tag that brought forth a google search.
    Ninety Six South Carolina
    Eighty Eight Kentucky
    Eighty Four Pennsylvania- Home to 84 Lumber, probably named in honor of Grover Cleveland’s election to President in 1884.
    Novi Michigan- the train that ran through was “No VI”.
    Too bad this dude couldn’t have played for the Universe.

  11. Old Gator - Jan 18, 2010 at 12:10 PM

    I would proudly write for such a show. And we’d need Mark Grace as an alternate talking head, and Curt Schilling for inadvertent humor. And we’d open the show with the dancers from Shimmy.
    No, the Shimmy girls have nothing whatsoever to do with baseball, but it is beyond any argument that they would inspire great conversations out of our hosts. Get Gracie on the subject of “slump busters” some time….

  12. TimberLee - Jan 18, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    But Daulton’s comments about Americans’ reactions to stories of steroid use do make some sense, don’t they? L Ron Hubbard probably said some things that made sense too. Maybe.

  13. Paul G - Jan 18, 2010 at 1:30 PM

    Darren, time to report to the mothership.

  14. Bud - Jan 18, 2010 at 3:19 PM

    What does any of those thing Darren mentioned have to do with cheating at baseball. If anyone is such a firm believer that taking PEDS is all right then let’s make them legal again for baseball players. Make your case .

  15. The Rabbit - Jan 18, 2010 at 6:07 PM

    A breach in an alternate dimension or an invasion of the pod people may explain the existence of Bud Selig, Rush Limbaugh, Omar Minaya, and others. I just wish they’d phone home.
    Craig: Because I share your beliefs on the subject, thanks for providing the most succinct description I’ve heard in a long time, i.e., “vengeful Santa Claus”. Can’t wait to use it to rid myself of the omnipresent missionaries here in the Bible Belt.

  16. Old Gator - Jan 18, 2010 at 11:00 PM

    I recommend introducing a prion-vectored neurological disease into their baptismal fonts, or dumping the matrix into the river where they prove who’s in charge by holding their heads under water until the bubbles stop coming up. Soon, they’ll be grinning like idiots, raving like dissociative schizophrenics and talking absolute nonsense. And people will stop listening to them and they’ll just go away.
    Won’t they?

  17. online virus cleaner - Jan 20, 2010 at 10:55 AM

    I don’t believe I could keep up with running a place like it! Nice job and I seriously would love to see you maintain it for a long time.

  18. Andrew Sailer - Jan 29, 2010 at 6:32 PM

    Oh jesus you will not belief that. Our silly dog just farted on my ankle!? I mean what’s the problem with that!? I care for this thing and I receive this in return. I yet will not really belief that. Anyway, you hold a few useful facts there in your posting. I knew Google could bring me to some helpful stuff today :). O . k . need to search that animal now! Have a good evening you all!

  19. Tyrell Cantone - Feb 17, 2010 at 5:37 PM

    I really liked the swimwear installment, and I don’t think it would’ve fit Kuroko’s personality if she wore a non-skimpy swimsuit. I also found the merchandise positioning to be suspect at first, not necessary.

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