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In case you were wondering, no the Marlins were not bombed

Jan 26, 2010, 11:00 AM EDT

Suicide bombers hit three hotels frequented by westerners in Baghdad yesterday. When I read about it, I’ll admit, my first thought wasn’t “Oh God, I hope Chris Coghlan is safe!”  Indeed, I had actually forgot all about the Marlins’ Iraq trip. Still, it’s good to hear this from Clark Spencer of the Miami Herald:

Just got off the phone with Marlins communications vice president
P.J. Loyello, who said a contingent of Marlins bound for
Iraq landed in Kuwait this morning, not long after suicide bombers
blasted three Baghdad hotels in neighboring Iraq.
   “They’re safe,” said Loyello, who has been in contact with the
traveling party. “They’re not in Iraq at the moment. They have
landed (in Kuwait) and they’re in good hands.”

The trip includes manager Fredi Gonzalez, team president Larry
Beinfest, Coghlan, catcher
John Baker, and four Mermaids cheerleaders.

No worries, Mrs. Beinfest: I’m sure the gender balance of the delegation is a purely political consideration.

  1. Old Gator - Jan 26, 2010 at 12:28 PM

    I can’t wait to see the Mermaids in their scarves and modest robes. Beautiful gals, to be sure, but….if it keeps them from dancing, we’ll all be better off. The last time I saw choreography and execution as dire as the Mermaids’ it was in an episode of Gunsmoke and the choreographer was a drunk cowhand shooting at someone’s feet.
    .
    I seriously doubt if Mrs. Beinfest was worried in the first place. General managers on the road are reknowned for their continence and probity. After all, they have an example to set. Now the one who should have been worried was Mrs. Samson, since the Chihuahua would have had to be quarantined for six weeks before entering Iraq. Plus, the image of the Chihuahua fooling around with the Mermaids is too absurd to conceptualize without the aid of hallucinogens. I see him humping someone’s knee – then I wake up, thank Buddha. Come to think of it, there’s a giant estuarine perch from Australia called a barramundi. They’re born male and turn into females as they mature – not unlike, say, a lot of the denizens of South Beach. However, the disparity in size between a sexually mature male and female is something like 1:25. The idea of David Samson and one of the Mermaids….no, let me not even go there. One nightmare per night is more than enough.
    .
    Incidentally, we needn’t even worry about Chris Coghlan and the Mermaids. There are severe penalties in place throughout professional sports for diddling the cheerleaders. Jeffrey Loria has instituted the draconian policy of requiring any Feesh ballplayer cought in a compromising situation with a Mermaid to buy a round of drinks for all the other ballplayers. I needn’t point out that that’s precisely the kind of deterrent that would stop a tightwad like Loria himself (kinda like when Loria’s hero Jack Benny tipped his caddy a whole dollar to keep the kid from disclosing his hole in one, which would have required Jack to buy drinks for all the guys at the clubhouse).
    .
    I don’t know if the Feesh are particularly mephistophelian or even picaresque by disposition, you know, like Howard Johnson and Roger McDowell on the ’86 Mutts. They spoiled me. If this had been Johnson and McDowell going over there, they would have brought home a couple of camel spiders and let them loose in the Mermaids’ locker room, then set up outside the door in a couple of lawn chairs with a bag of popcorn, a beer, and their cellphone cameras at the ready. Ahhh, the days of our lost youth.

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