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Your Monday Afternoon Power Rankings

Apr 5, 2010, 3:17 PM EDT

Here’s something new. And something that, once we get a couple of weeks under our belt, will hopefully be fun.  Power rankings. Yes, lots of places do them. No they don’t mean a thing, especially in baseball. But I’m a college football fan who is kind of addicted to arguing over arbitrary rankings that are borne out of bias and ignorance and all manner of ill-will (and don’t you think I don’t know it, you Big Ten haters!), so I think it will be fun to do these once a week.

Beefing, moaning, defending, gloating and denying should be directed to the comments section:

1. Yankees: To be the man, you gotta beat the man.
2. Cardinals: El Hombre homered as I was writing this. He’s the man.
3. Rays: They have a chance to make me look real dumb this year.
4. Braves: They have a greater chance to make me look dumb.
5. Phillies: One of my bosses is a big Phillies guy. He’s probably not liking this.
6. Red Sox: Another of my bosses is a big Red Sox guy. I know he hates this.
7. Rockies: Seth Smith gets the nod over Fowler for the opener.
8. Angels: I wonder how short a leash they have with Brandon Wood.
9. Twins: First ten games against Angels, Chisox and Bosox. Not easy.
10. Dodgers: I feel like I have them too low, but I don’t know who to bump.
11. Tigers:  First nine against the Royals and Indians. Fast start, one would hope.
12. Rangers: Feliz is the setup man. Why is everyone so afraid to develop starters these days?
13. White Sox: I predict Ozzie Guillen’s tweets cease within a week of Opening Day
14. Marlins: They’ll feel low early, but they’ll die by attrition, not obvious incompetence.
15. Reds: I’m fine with them losing the traditional first game. The Red Stockings were a different franchise.
16. Giants: Lincecum and Cain and three days of rain? Only if it rains hitters.
17. Brewers: A team full of third and fourth starters.
18. Mariners: Seven of their first ten games are against the A’s. They should sign Cust for spite.
19. Cubs: Big hopes placed on Zambrano and Soto comebacks. What if they suck again? Uglyville, that’s what.
20. Orioles: Reporter Scott Templeton assigned to get quotes outside Camden Yards on Opening Day
21. Mets: Their cleanup hitter is a Royals non-tender. And people think I’m pessimistic?
22. Athletics: They should sign Edgar Martinez just for spite.
23. Diamondbacks: First six against Padres and Pirates. Who will be the first reporter to get suckered?
24. Nationals: Obama on Opening Day a mere dress rehearsal for Strasburg’s arrival.
25. Astros: They offer Jeff Keppinger a no-trade clause yet?  That’s their thing, right?
26. Blue Jays: No games against the Yankees until June. How does that happen?
27. Royals: First 12 against Tigers, Red Sox and Twins. 3-9?
28. Padres: Yesterday’s earthquake will be the most action at Petco Park sees all season.
29. Indians: The post-game show is brought to you by…
Christ, I can’t find it. To hell with it.

30. Pirates: Garrett Jones has hit two homers since I started writing this post. There’s hope.

I’m guessing these will change once the games actually start happening.

  1. SL__72 - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    Twins follow that stretch up with 6 vs. KC and 3 vs. the Indians.

  2. Brian - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:39 PM

    Wow, Craig. I know you’re a Braves fanboy, but that’s REALLY high for them.

  3. Charles Gates - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:40 PM

    @ #20: Gus: “Look around you: the pond is shrinkin’, the fish are nervous. “Get some profile, win a prize. Maybe find a bigger pond somewhere” Whiting? Klebanow? Templeton? They snatch a Pulitzer or two and they are up and gone from this place. For them that’s what this is all about. Me? I’m too fuckin’ simple-minded for that. I just wanted to see somethin’ new everyday, and write a story with it.”

  4. Craig Calcaterra - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    I figured I’d go all-in on what was probably a foolish prediction in the first place. Better that than to backtrack now!

  5. Adam - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:45 PM

    The Mariners at 18? What? Who’s got a better rotation once Bedard gets back? Plus, Figgins is really going to help that team score more runs. They’ll finish better than the Rangers, and the Angels got rid of too much talent this past offseason. I say the M’s go 93-79 and that’s good for first in that division.

  6. APBA Guy - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:49 PM

    I know it’s the season of hope, but you have the A’s too high. Not by much, since the floor is rapidly upon them, but 26th sounds right. Injuries will soon decimate the team.

  7. onesweetworld - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:53 PM

    People should actually watch the Marlins play before claiming them to be so good

  8. Matt - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:56 PM

    Seriously, is this Braves crap going to go on all season long? And by the way, the Brewers have plenty of fifth starters.

  9. Craig Calcaterra - Apr 5, 2010 at 3:58 PM

    The Braves will go up and down in accordance with their performance, just like everyone else. Why people get so bent out of shape by preseason predictions is beyond me. There is nowhere to hide over the course of 162 games.

  10. Jonny5 - Apr 5, 2010 at 4:00 PM

    Craig, you’ve really tipped over the edge now. Philly # 5? They are #2. Just accept it. Your acceptance on an asap basis will make the season much more pleasurable for us all. Fanboy! Palanco hit a grand slam today btw………..

  11. enough already - Apr 5, 2010 at 4:01 PM

    Mike Jacobs is in the best shape of his life.

  12. Eric - Apr 5, 2010 at 4:24 PM

    These predictions are retarded.

  13. willmose - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:03 PM

    Are you making fun of Sarah Palin’s child or Craig?

  14. Scott - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:04 PM

    Which Big Ten school are you from? Represent!
    As a Nats fan… there is no way we are better than the Astros and Jays. Our offense is solidly above average, but I wouldn’t be shocked if our starters averaged four innings per start this year. They’re just awful.

  15. Nate - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:18 PM

    I’d make some changes.

  16. YankeesfanLen - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:21 PM

    Why all the consternation around here- you have this exactly right.

  17. OsandRoyals - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:42 PM

    you just know the Royals will go 3-9. With a sweep of the Tigers.
    Because for some reason the Royals just enjoy spoiling the Tigers. When they went to the post season they ended the season with a sweep to the Royals. When they signed Willis and Cabrera the Royals swept them to start the season

  18. John - Apr 5, 2010 at 5:46 PM

    Bah. I know these rankings aren’t supposed to mean anything, but it would behoove you to spend 2 minutes thinking about them next time. The Cardinals being better than the Rays and Red Sox made me ‘lol’.

  19. funi - Apr 5, 2010 at 6:21 PM

    Pirates #30 with all those runs scored vs the Dodgers?! Pirates should be in top 10! The Indians got shutout and the Cubs have given up 13 runs through 7 innings!

  20. Andy L - Apr 5, 2010 at 6:37 PM

    After the season I will call you up at home and verbally harass you until you apologize for this grave injustice!

  21. DuckAround - Apr 5, 2010 at 7:08 PM

    “20. Orioles: Reporter Scott Templeton assigned to get quotes outside Camden Yards on Opening Day”
    Hope he packed some sandwiches, because they don’t open until Tuesday in Tampa Bay and don’t make it to Camden Yards until Friday.

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