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The worst baseball song in the history of baseball songs

Apr 15, 2010, 12:15 PM EDT

There’s not much worse in this world than Creed, but I’d rather listen to a Creed album than listen to their lead singer remake one of their songs to be about the Florida Marlins.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Question: if you’re a Marlin, do you really want to “soar?”  You’re a fish. If you’re soaring, you’re probably on the business end of some investment banker’s line behind a charter boat somewhere.

(thanks to reader John L. for the heads up. At least I think “thanks” is what I mean)

  1. BC - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    The 1,202,342,235,723 variations of “Talking Baseball” are infinitely worse. Like, “must-stab-myself-in-eye-with-screwdriver” worse.

  2. Nathan - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:29 PM

    But seriously, the style is pretty much radically inappropriate. I dunno why Stapp thought this was a good idea, but I hope nobody in the Marlins organization gave it to him.

  3. Cody - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:32 PM

    Fox Sports North (Home of the Twins) during the debut of Target came out with a song for Twins Territory by some band called GB Leighton or something. Horrid, just a terrible “rock-n-roll” song in the name of baseball.

  4. KR - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:39 PM

    Not watching the video (blocked at work, even if for some reason I wanted to), but surely fish can “soar” through the water?
    (Google suggests yes: )

  5. JMW - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    I made it through 49 seconds of that, and not sure how I got that far. My pain threshold exercises must be working.

  6. Howie B. - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    Absolutely, without a doubt, and with no hyperbole whatsoever, the worst baseball song in the history of ever.
    Not even remotely close to Prince’s Vikings fight song, though.

  7. Old Gator - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:45 PM

    Well, look – Arturo Sandoval’s butchered “Star Spangled Boner” didn’t work; Emilio Estefan wouldn’t extend a hometown discount on whatever wifey demanded to come up with something – and even with the discount, what were the chances of Scrooge McLoria coughing it up? – and as far as available music, “We Are Family” has about as much chance of being taken seriously in demographically schismatic Macondo as “The Internationale,” and “We Will Rock You” (Spanish, more or less: Vamos a Piedrate or some such thing) won’t play in a salsa town. The Feesh have been washing up with the Portugese Men O’ War around these parts for nigh on seventeen years now and they still haven’t got a theme song while Lon Gislanders were suffering under “Meet the Mutts” almost from day one and Feather Lice fans might at least get to hear Margo Timmins or Neil Young sing “O Canada” (the singable North American national anthem) once in a while.
    True, enduring Creed is akin to what it must have sounded like when Harrogate slaughtered the piglet in Suttree. True, this song is so stupid and incoherent and unlistenable that if it were a real feesh, old Santiago would have said “To hell with it, the sharks can have you for all I care;” even University of Miami freshmen on football scholarships at a frathouse orgy with a bathtub full of Ripple would find it beneath their dignity. But look at it this way: us Feesh fans finally have something that’s ours, something that, unlike our two championships, has already blown up in our faces before we began to count on it – even though in auditory terms it will have the same effect on our brains as a horsemeat and velveeta sandwich would have on our arteries. Sometimes, as Scrooge McLoria must have realized between the 2004-05 seasons, it’s our sufferings that define us.
    reCaptcha: planned imus. What nonsense.

  8. Morgan W - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:50 PM

    Not sure why all the negative comments??? He should ‘do’ songs for all of the teams…possibly tour round the ballparks and play before games the ‘allocated’ song. That would be amazing. Just think of it as more bang for your buck while catching a game. Awesome.

  9. (Not That) Tom - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:50 PM

    Bite your tongue; “Talkin’ Softball” is a masterpiece.

  10. Joe L - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:57 PM

    That literally stabbed me in the sternum. I’m bleeding on my keyboard.

  11. gumbercules - Apr 15, 2010 at 12:58 PM

    Why, Craig? Why would you subject us to this abortion? Won’t you please think of the children!

  12. Alan - Apr 15, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    All right, so what’s the BEST baseball song in the history of baseballs songs?

  13. Lude - Apr 15, 2010 at 1:28 PM

    ‘with a little faith and luck,
    you will soar’
    what? that doesn’t even rhyme. shouldn’t it go…
    ‘with a little faith and luck,
    you will suck’????

  14. Old Gator - Apr 15, 2010 at 1:32 PM

    “Can’t Find My Way Home,” Blind Faith

  15. Morgan W - Apr 15, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    “University of Miami freshmen on football scholarships at a frathouse orgy with a bathtub full of Ripple would find it beneath their dignity.”
    The above is Brilliance.
    The Vikings wear purple uniforms, so a crap song by a self proclaimed hermaphrodite about them is the least of their worries.
    Did the players involved (Ramirez, Cantu etc) actually give their concent to be on this???!!!!!

  16. K - Apr 15, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    nothing’s worse than ‘go cubs go’

  17. monkeyball - Apr 15, 2010 at 2:49 PM

    OK, so I’m blog-whoring here, but … you want a (if I do say so myself) good baseball-themed filk of a great song by a real artist?
    Bob Dylan’s “Love Henry” rewritten as a tale of Jack Cust and Billy Beane

  18. scatterbrian - Apr 15, 2010 at 2:54 PM

    I don’t think Scott Stapp can even fathom how awesome he is. And you have to respect the obvious pain he endures in order to belt out those lyrics. Such selflessness.

  19. peteinfla - Apr 15, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    Don’t worry Gator, I heard that Loria is giving a copy of the single to the first 5000 fans who attend Feesh games next week. Actually, at 500 fans or so per game, they might last into May.

  20. peteinfla - Apr 15, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    Well it may not be great, but Centerfield by Foggart is at least listenable to. Not offensive to listen to like the SoringFeesh Crap I just endured (Well about 30 seconds of it anyway).

  21. Josh - Apr 15, 2010 at 4:36 PM

    Shut your mouth, Go Cubs Go was written by Chicago legend and departed folkie Stevie Goodman, he of City of New Orleans, and while it may be cheesy as hell it is no abomination. Take your opinion, ball it up, and stuff it back into your word-hole, sir!

  22. The Rabbit - Apr 15, 2010 at 6:25 PM

    LOL….That’s exactly the line I was expecting when I was listening. Personally, I think lyrics like that might greatly improve this musical catastrophe if it is at all possible. Nahhh. It’ll still suck.
    There was an internet masterpiece last year dedicated to the Pirates after the McLouth trade. The execution left a lot to be desired but at least the lyrics were amusing if you enjoy pessimism.

  23. j4b - Apr 15, 2010 at 7:33 PM

    Love the youtube comments:
    100Karolina Awesome song and best singer of world,thx GOOD luck Scott
    travieso1332 @100Karolina have you ever actually HEARD any other singers?

  24. Old Gator - Apr 15, 2010 at 10:11 PM

    Well, two reasons why I won’t wind up with one of those horrible things even if it were true: (a) I’m not going to any more Feesh games until opening day 2011 unless Scrooge and the Chihuahua show some respect for their fans, and (b) Cowboy Junkies just released their new album, Renmin Park, in downloadable form on their web site, so if you think that after listening to Margo and the guys obsessively for the next few weeks I would even be physically capable of enduring another musical beating by Stapp, you haven’t been paying attention.

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