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What's more threatening? An oriole or a cardinal?

May 27, 2010, 1:28 PM EDT

Tigers logo old.gifYesterday’s Ray-stung-by-ray story had every internet jokester wondering how that would work if the guy played for, say, the Tigers or the Pirates.  Today the Orange County Register’s Sam Miller tries to approach the question objectively by ranking the mascots by threat level.

Sam’s best line comes when noting that the Mets — short for “Metropolitans” or, in other words, “a person from New York” — aren’t that threatening:

If you’ve been to Brooklyn lately, though, you know there’s nothing
scary about it — there’s no crime, everybody’s a hipster, and thanks to
Bloomberg there’s not even any second-hand smoke or transfats to
threaten you.

When guys from Orange County, California can call out the poseur Brooklynites (and there’s a photo!), you know your race has run.  Time to find somewhere else to live, hipsters!

And for the record, while there is no major league team where I live, we do have the Buckeyes, which are poisonous nuts. We scoff at ray attacks.

  1. Birdman6824 - May 27, 2010 at 1:54 PM

    Joe Mc Carthy would certainly rate Reds at 30

  2. YankeesfanLen - May 27, 2010 at 2:12 PM

    You could spice it up by going on Hot Stove and making things up, instead of some Mariners’ blooger guy

  3. RobRob - May 27, 2010 at 2:19 PM

    This might be a good time to point out that the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor) gets its mascot from the Ohioans’ attempt at an insulting epithet during the war for Toledo, which Ohio won.

    So much FAIL on that score, Ohio.

  4. ecp - May 27, 2010 at 2:32 PM

    These aren’t mascots, they’re…I don’t know…what would you call them, team symbols?
    The Twins mascot is a bear called T.C. Much more threatening than a Twin.
    The A’s have a mascot elephant called Stomper. That outdoes an Athletic for fear factor any day.
    The Red Sox have Wally the Green Monster. He’s not threatening looking, but at least his name is scary. Guaranteed to strike more fear in the heart than a Red Sock, the ultimate threat level of which begins and ends with turning your white clothes pink when accidentally mixed with them in the laundry.
    The Nationals have Screech, who is a bald eagle. They’re kind of fearsome looking creatures. As opposed to a National – whatever the heck that is.
    Speaking of whatever the heck, the White Sox have Southpaw and the Phillies have the Phanatic. Nobody knows what either of these creatures is, but the unknown has to be scarier than either pale hosiery or a Philly.
    The Royals have Slugerrr the Lion. Hereby adjudged to be at least as scary as a Tiger.
    The Diamondbacks mascot is actually not a snake, it’s a bobcat called D. Baxter. Decide for yourself if that beats a rattlesnake on the fearsome scale.
    As for what started all this, the Rays mascot is also not a ray, but instead something called Raymond. He’s another odd-looking critter that the team officially dubs a “seadog.” Probably not as dangerous as an actual Ray.
    I could go for a while like this, but I’m getting bored…

  5. J. McCann - May 27, 2010 at 3:28 PM

    The Mets are in Queens, and there are some frightening areas there after dark.

  6. Grant - May 27, 2010 at 4:52 PM

    I’d like to hereby invite Mr. Miller to go to East New York or Canarsie after dark (or even during the day) and see how he likes it. Even the Eastern part of Bed-Stuy’s not exactly a picnic.

  7. The Rabbit - May 27, 2010 at 5:15 PM

    Enjoyed your reply but you overlooked the most fearsome of all mascots, Mr. Met, who clearly isn’t a hipster.

  8. jfreeeman - May 29, 2010 at 1:27 AM

    I wouldn’t really consider Ohio the “winner” of the war, considering that the compromise gave Ohio a disgusting rundown rust belt town in Toledo and Michigan got the Upper Peninsula, which is rich in natural resources

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