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Baseball, union to meet on K-Rod today

Sep 30, 2010, 8:25 AM EDT

Major League Baseball, union folk and enough lawyers to fill out an intermural volleyball team will meet today to chat about the grievance Francisco Rodriguez filed after the Mets withheld salary from him and purported to make his contract non-guaranteed for next season.

I wouldn’t expect anything notable to happen today, inasmuch as this is a required meeting in advance of the arbitration of the matter. Much like, back when I was practicing law, opposing sides were supposed to confer with one another over discovery disputes prior to calling the judge about it.  It usually went like this:

Me: Dude, I requested “every document relating to research expenditures for fiscal year 2005.”  You sent me a kid’s menu from Bob Evans. And two of the three tic-tac-toe games were already filled out.

Other lawyer: I can assure you, we’ve searched for everything you’ve asked for, and what you have is all we are going to produce.

Me: Wait, those two things you just said don’t even go together. They fully provide for the possibility that you searched for and found everything I want, but that you’re simply not going to give it to me.

Other lawyer: Lalalalalalalalalal I can’t hear you!!!

Me: [conferencing in the judge]: Your honor, plaintiff’s counsel will not provide me with relevant documents and will not give me a good reason why. I simply cannot defend my case unless I have his production.

Judge: [waking up] Er, um, yes . . . I am so tired of the lack of civility among lawyers these days. Clearly we can resolve this dispute without my need to issue an order, can’t we?

Me: Actually, no. That’s why I’m calling. They’re being unreasonable and are saying “lalalalalala.”

Judge: Thank you counselor, now, please try to work together. Oh, and your trial date has been pushed back six months because I have a seminar or a vacation. I think. Gosh, why do people insist on suing one another?  Oh well . . . Zzzzzzzz.

Me: [bangs head on desk; says “screw it” and blogs about baseball for three hours, hoping the boss doesn’t catch me].

  1. Professor Longnose - Sep 30, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    Ha ha ha ha ha. Louis Nizer’s My Life in Court was nothing like this. You ought to write a book.

  2. gerryb323 - Sep 30, 2010 at 10:52 AM

    Haha….nice Craig. From the Plaintiff’s side it’s more like this:
    Me: I asked for a simple invoice showing you sold the product to my client!
    Defense atty: My client keeps all documents together in one 15,000 page file. Here are all 15,000 pages as they keep them in their records. Good luck finding your one page!
    And then I get to search through all the pages….yay!

  3. HomeHalfwayDotNet - Sep 30, 2010 at 11:30 AM

    Oh, the joys of bureaucracy.
    Even if his girlfriend’s father is a horrible awful man, K-Rod still makes me sick and is just another example of the childish tempers and attitudes in professional sports.

  4. Old Gator - Sep 30, 2010 at 2:45 PM

    Something more akin to Max Lerner’s The Mind and Faith of Justice Holmes or maybe Clarence Darrow for the Defense. William Kunstler’s biography is pretty good, too – and it has an introduction by Amiri Baraka. Maybe Craig could get Judge Roy Bean to write the intro for his.

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