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Eagle-eyed do-gooders turn in Reds for victory cigars

Oct 1, 2010, 12:09 AM EDT

The Cincinnati Reds had one heckuva celebration after clinching the NL Central title on Tuesday night, dowsing each other with champagne and emerging from the clubhouse to party with fans.

(Watch some great video of it all from C. Trent Rosecrans here)

But apparently their celebration went far beyond the bounds of propriety, as team owner Bob Castellini passed out victory cigars and people proceeded to – gasp! – smoke them.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer – and Big League Stew – five people called a statewide smoking ban complaint hotline to alert authorities after witnessing the heinous act on television.

Only one problem: the city health department can’t do anything unless an inspector personally witnesses the crime in action. Hmm, that might be a problem. From the Enquirer:

State law requires a health inspector to go out within 30 days at about the same time of day as the alleged violation, Merz said. That means an inspector might be attending one of the playoff games to see if anyone is smoking then.

“We come in unannounced, obviously,” he said.

If the inspector sees someone smoking, the Reds will be sent a letter notifying them of the violation, which the team can appeal. No fine is attached to any initial violation. If another complaint is filed and an inspector responds again to the ballpark and sees someone smoking, the Reds could be fined $100. The fine escalates to $500 after that.

So be aware, Reds criminals, you have been put on notice. If you get caught smoking any victory cigars during the playoffs, you’ll receive a stern letter. And if it happens a second time, someone will have to come up with $100.

God knows the shenanigans you will get into if you win the World Series.

Will you double-dip some chips?

Lie about your knowledge of “Melrose Place?”

Smuggle coffee into the movies?

Whatever you do, I am thankful I can sleep at night knowing there are at least five eagle-eyed, law-abiding citizens out there ready to turn you in.

Do you think I was serious about thinking the Reds are criminals? Then perhaps I’m not for you. Otherwise, feel free to follow me on Twitter. Get all your HBT updates here.

  1. Old Gator - Oct 1, 2010 at 7:31 AM

    I’m up early because I have to fly back to Macondo from Texas this morning. Ahhh, I love the smell of refinery aerosols in the morning. It smells like victory.
    While most teams are “shutting down” (love that expression – like old movie theaters in small towns across America!) key players, the Feesh boolpen is tuning up for next season, ready once again to spend as little of Scrooge McLoria’s money as possible as they go merrily barfing up one lead after another. Last night they gave away seven runs without the benefit of an error in an attempt to blow the lead Christ Volstad left him, but they couldn’t even get that right. The Iron Giant had a great night, five ribbies and a dinger, as he campaigns to get any team who’ll pay him what he’s worth to rescue him from the Feesh as long before he becomes arbitration eligible as possible. Now all the Feesh have to do to finish at the strange attractor (GSA) for the twenty eighth time this year so the Chihuahua can go on Dan LeBatard’s show on Monday and claim that Scrooge McLoria’s spending policies have achieved perfect mediocrity is sweep the Buccos this weekend.
    I did score a new recipe for giant isopod ceviche during my couple of days in Texas though. Used to be that giant isopod was prohibitively expensive unless you had your own Woods Hole style deep sea research vessel complete with a minisub with a scooping apparatus, but, thanks to Bush era relaxation of safety regulations for the oil industry, the BP spill, as it settles to the bottom in fine droplets, is forcing these delicacies into shallow water where marine biology graduate students can collect them and hawk them at the local feesh markets to supplement their meager grant money and allow them to buy Skin-So-Soft to ward off sand fleas. Here’s the recipe:
    1 bucket fresh lump giant isopod meat
    1 bucket lime juice, freshly trodden
    1 pail Vidalia onions, chopped (Vidalia is such a great minor league town)
    1 cup green chillies, chopped
    1 cup red bell peppers, chopped
    1 copse cilantro, chopped
    What’s that? Giant isopod??? Here:
    Ugly? Sure. But they’re tasty – not so much like chicken as like a cross between stone crab and roach.

  2. Old Gator - Oct 1, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    En route home, I also plan to try to figure out how the hell my post above wound up under this thread when I posted it to “And that Happened.” Just too early in the morning, I guess.

  3. (Not That) Tom - Oct 1, 2010 at 8:00 AM

    It’s all part of a nefarious plot hatched by the eagle-eyed do-gooders to drive up the number of comments in this thread as to bring more attention to such a devious and wanton act of social depravity as smoking a victory cigar.

  4. 8man - Oct 1, 2010 at 8:07 AM

    Incredible waste of time. Some people need a hobby. Nosy, puritan swine!
    “Oooooh Archie. The Reds are smokin’ cigahs in a public building!”
    “Ah geez, Edith. Stifle! Don’t go off like a dingbat, there. Theah just celebratin’ the championship, here.”
    On the bright side, someone from the health department is going to get a free guided tour of the home of the newly crowned NL Central Champs.

  5. Jonny5 - Oct 1, 2010 at 8:16 AM

    Well if i was an inspector that covers that area, I’d call in to complain myself every night for about 4 weeks, just in case they make it to the big dance, wouldn’t want to miss that huh? Nice way to get a free pass into the place and even check out the clubhouse during celebrations.

  6. Jonny5 - Oct 1, 2010 at 8:24 AM

    How come no one mentioned Roy Halladay pitching his 20th perfect game against the Marlins again last night?? Seriously, when it’s an off night, i totally hate that they play that game…….again……. When there are freaking games being played elsewhere I’D RATHER WATCH!!!

  7. Jonny5 - Oct 1, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    I just had to post an ATH comment here so Gator didn’t feel like the only bonehead. Gator, no more wake-n-bakes mmmkay…..

  8. BC - Oct 1, 2010 at 9:06 AM

    So if the Braves win the wild card, if someone going to turn them in for the champagne and beer showers because Jason Heyward is only 20?
    C’mon people, get a life….
    Speaking of beer, and partly to keep pace with Old Gator, I give you…. my chili recipe. Well, it’s not mine, I found it online a couple months ago. But it’s GOOD.
    1 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
    1 tablespoon ground coriander
    5 pounds ground round (I actually use half round, half ground turkey)
    2 tablespoons canola oil
    2 1/2 pounds onions, coarsely chopped
    1 1/2 pounds red bell peppers, seeded, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
    1 1/2 pounds yellow bell peppers, seeded, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
    2 large jalapeño chiles with seeds, chopped (about 1/3 cup)
    7 tablespoons chili powder
    2 teaspoons (packed) minced canned chipotle chiles in adobo sauce*
    2 28-ounce cans crushed tomatoes with added puree
    2 15-ounce cans kidney beans, drained
    1 to 2 12-ounce bottles of dark beer (I use Guinness)
    Sour cream
    Chopped green onions (scallions)
    Grated extra-sharp cheddar cheese

  9. sportsdrenched - Oct 1, 2010 at 12:05 PM

    Tomorrow we’ll see a piece on hwo their might have been, gasp! Swearing on the baseball field.

  10. HomeHalfwayDotNet - Oct 1, 2010 at 12:41 PM

    Man, that guy over Bob’s right shoulder looks like he’s about to shove that cigar down his throat.

  11. Old Gator - Oct 1, 2010 at 12:43 PM

    I know where you got this one too – from Santa Ana’s diary on the march up to San Antonio. Feed a freakin’ army with this.
    I’m going to pull out my slide rule and scale this down to a single saucepan-sized batch. I’ll let you know Sunday how it goes.

  12. BuckeyeChuck - Oct 1, 2010 at 4:12 PM

    That guy over Bob’s right shoulder is none other than the venerable Eric Davis. I suspect he smoked a stogie at some piont in 1990, although none for the World Series win, as he was in a hospital with a lacerated kidney.

  13. Buccofan - Oct 1, 2010 at 11:50 PM

    You’re right, that is ED in the picture. He and Marge Schott made their peace a few years after she refused to pay for his medevac flight back to Cincinnati when he was the star of the Reds’ World Series win and got hurt in Game 4. I’m not sure if he works for the Reds, but he’s in good with management. One former Reds star who works for the team now is George Foster, who does a ton of community relations work for them. I’ve talked to hima few times down at the ballpark–humble and funny guy, always smiling.
    The local reaction to this nontroversy has been properly and universally against the snitches. Geez, the team wins a playoff spot for the first time in 15 years and you want them to go all PC in their celebration? I’m not even a fan of the team, and I say, “Do whatever you want. You earned it.”

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