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OK, I figured out the James Shields thing

Oct 5, 2010, 4:30 PM EDT

We have a critical update to what is, rather inexplicably, HBT's most-clicked story of the day.

I should have realized this earlier, but I have finally figured it out: the Rays starting Shields in Game 2 over Game 3 has nothing to do with Rays ownership wanting to favor a Jewish pitcher* with an earlier, at-home start.  It was simply an act of religious tolerance.

Why? Because Game 3 is on Saturday. And Saturday, Dude, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that James Shields
doesn’t work, he doesn’t drive a car, he doesn’t f—— ride in a car, he doesn’t
handle money, he doesn’t turn on the oven, and he sure as s— doesn’t f—— pitch!

But if Joe Maddon wants a toe, Shields can get him a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, Shields can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish.

*Probably worth noting that I can’t find anything in the Internet suggesting that Shields actually is, you know, Jewish. But I kind of hope he is if, for no other reason, than I like to picture him ranting like Walter Sobchak.

  1. Mr. Heyward - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:38 PM


  2. Gobias Industries - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:47 PM

    Mark it 8, dude.

  3. Simon DelMonte - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:56 PM

    One of these days, I have got to see that film.

  4. RedBurb - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:05 PM

    Calmer than you.

  5. Griffey's Gigantism - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:08 PM

    Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax.

  6. BCTF - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    5000 years

  7. Mr. Furious - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:42 PM

    Maybe Shields really ties the Trop together, man.

  8. Lukehart80 - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:00 PM

    also, dude, ‘devil ray’ is not the preferred nomenclature. ‘ray,’ please.

  9. Xpensive Wino - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:09 PM

    Jesus Christ, James, you’re not even Jewish!

  10. IdahoMariner - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:09 PM

    I finally did, last month. Worth it, just for the rants.

  11. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:39 PM

    Craig, you’re over your head here.

  12. phils4life - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:17 PM

    amateurs dude

  13. Opie - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:19 PM

    The Dude abides……

  14. Sign Ahead - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:22 PM

    Hey! There’s a beverage here.
    and now it’s all over my monitor.

  15. JBerardi - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:25 PM

    Mind if I do a J?

  16. Buccofan - Oct 5, 2010 at 8:25 PM

    This aggression will not stand, man.

  17. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 10:30 PM

    Shields kind of tied the whole rotation together, you know?

  18. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    Ooops, someone already covered the “tied together” line. My apologies for defaulting to my Department of Redundancy Department. Let’s try this: Look in your heart. Look in….no, wrong ethos. Hey, I got it:
    Nice marmot!

  19. JBerardi - Oct 6, 2010 at 3:29 AM

    What are you, a f—-n’ park ranger now?

  20. Jonny5 - Oct 6, 2010 at 8:40 AM
    You all have it wrong!!!

  21. LuckyStrike - Oct 6, 2010 at 9:05 AM

    Get a job, sir! The bums lost!

  22. LuckyStrike - Oct 6, 2010 at 9:07 AM

    Get a job, sir! The bums lost!

  23. doctorfunke - Oct 6, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    Maybe he converted for his wife. I wonder if he is currently dog-sitting for her?

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