Skip to content

OK, I figured out the James Shields thing

Oct 5, 2010, 4:30 PM EDT

We have a critical update to what is, rather inexplicably, HBT's most-clicked story of the day.

I should have realized this earlier, but I have finally figured it out: the Rays starting Shields in Game 2 over Game 3 has nothing to do with Rays ownership wanting to favor a Jewish pitcher* with an earlier, at-home start.  It was simply an act of religious tolerance.

Why? Because Game 3 is on Saturday. And Saturday, Dude, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that James Shields
doesn’t work, he doesn’t drive a car, he doesn’t f—— ride in a car, he doesn’t
handle money, he doesn’t turn on the oven, and he sure as s— doesn’t f—— pitch!

But if Joe Maddon wants a toe, Shields can get him a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, Shields can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish.

*Probably worth noting that I can’t find anything in the Internet suggesting that Shields actually is, you know, Jewish. But I kind of hope he is if, for no other reason, than I like to picture him ranting like Walter Sobchak.

  1. Mr. Heyward - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:38 PM

    THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND…MAN!

  2. Gobias Industries - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:47 PM

    Mark it 8, dude.

  3. Simon DelMonte - Oct 5, 2010 at 4:56 PM

    One of these days, I have got to see that film.

  4. RedBurb - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:05 PM

    Calmer than you.

  5. Griffey's Gigantism - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:08 PM

    Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax.

  6. BCTF - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    5000 years

  7. Mr. Furious - Oct 5, 2010 at 5:42 PM

    Maybe Shields really ties the Trop together, man.

  8. Lukehart80 - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:00 PM

    also, dude, ‘devil ray’ is not the preferred nomenclature. ‘ray,’ please.

  9. Xpensive Wino - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:09 PM

    Jesus Christ, James, you’re not even Jewish!

  10. IdahoMariner - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:09 PM

    I finally did, last month. Worth it, just for the rants.

  11. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 6:39 PM

    Craig, you’re over your head here.

  12. phils4life - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:17 PM

    amateurs dude

  13. Opie - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:19 PM

    The Dude abides……

  14. Sign Ahead - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:22 PM

    Hey! There’s a beverage here.
    .
    .
    .
    and now it’s all over my monitor.

  15. JBerardi - Oct 5, 2010 at 7:25 PM

    Mind if I do a J?

  16. Buccofan - Oct 5, 2010 at 8:25 PM

    This aggression will not stand, man.

  17. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 10:30 PM

    Shields kind of tied the whole rotation together, you know?

  18. Old Gator - Oct 5, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    Ooops, someone already covered the “tied together” line. My apologies for defaulting to my Department of Redundancy Department. Let’s try this: Look in your heart. Look in….no, wrong ethos. Hey, I got it:
    .
    Nice marmot!

  19. JBerardi - Oct 6, 2010 at 3:29 AM

    What are you, a f—-n’ park ranger now?

  20. Jonny5 - Oct 6, 2010 at 8:40 AM

    http://www.randomblogette.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/i-of-jew.jpg
    You all have it wrong!!!

  21. LuckyStrike - Oct 6, 2010 at 9:05 AM

    Get a job, sir! The bums lost!

  22. LuckyStrike - Oct 6, 2010 at 9:07 AM

    Get a job, sir! The bums lost!

  23. doctorfunke - Oct 6, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    Maybe he converted for his wife. I wonder if he is currently dog-sitting for her?

Leave Comment

You must be logged in to leave a comment. Not a member? Register now!

Featured video

Ace-killer Giants do it again
Top 10 MLB Player Searches
  1. M. Bumgarner (2954)
  2. J. Shields (2780)
  3. T. Ishikawa (2347)
  4. T. Lincecum (2310)
  5. M. Morse (2189)
  1. Y. Cespedes (1957)
  2. B. Roberts (1593)
  3. L. Cain (1570)
  4. B. Posey (1435)
  5. U. Jimenez (1403)