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The Best and Worst Uniforms of All Time: The Florida Marlins

Nov 9, 2010, 1:00 PM EDT

1993 Marlins uniforms

The Best: Look, when you’ve only been around since 1993, there’s not a ton to work with. They didn’t  have anything historical from which to draw, so a lot of good modern classics are non-starters. At the same time, they began business after the Era of the Unfortunate (a/k/a the 70s) concluded so they don’t have anything to run from either.  As a result, we’re dealing with a very limited spectrum here.  I suppose they look as good now as they ever have, but that’s not saying much.

Worst: Season one’s teal nightmare still causes me to wake up screaming. Also, they, like so many other teams, seem to enjoy looking like they’re perpetually in batting practice, what with liberal use of black alternate jerseys. Note to every baseball team: you can still sell black shirts to all of the young hip kids you want buying them without making your baseball team wear them on the field as an organizational marketing arm.

Assessment: I understand, but I really wish the Marlins would break away from tropical colors. The Heat did it, so there’s obviously no law that says you gotta look like the Dolphins if you play in South Florida. Here’s a suggestion: ever seen a real marlin? They’re dark blue and silver-gray with some minor orange accenting. Think about it.

  1. Old Gator - Nov 9, 2010 at 1:22 PM

    Considering how few have ever even seen a real marlin – the ballplayers, I mean, not the billfish – this is hardly the time to be making a fashion statement about them. I agree that a color scheme drawn from a stuffed and mounted fish, although it has little if anything to do with how a live one sans polyurethane coating actually looks, would be an improvement over the current outfits. However, I suspect that Scrooge McLoria’s Feesh have deferred to white ground color because it’s cheaper than pigmented colors, much the way American Airlines saves a fortune by leaving its fuselages natural metal. Then again, there are white marlin as well as striped marlin, so mother nature herself may have bent to the ear of a sleeping Scrooge McLoria and whispered parsimonious nothings in his ear about them. In fact I suspect the marlin on the wall was actually reduced to 99% fiberglass by a procedure known in marine taxidermy as the “lost feesh” process. It’s complicated, but in this process the meat is removed systematically and sent to a smokehouse by the taxidermist, who gets to pack his fridge with it (great with bagles and cream cheese, btw) while the unwitting sportsman pays $30 a pound for farmed lox at the local deli. This gambit, too, ought to appeal to Scrooge McLoria.

    So why stop with color and style, and just encase all the Feesh players in fiberglass, which can be stripped and repainted to suit the changes in fashion that periodically sweep through Joeprodolsharklife Stadium? Re-usable uniforms should appeal to the Tamerlaine of Tightwads even more than white.

    Another thing that the Feesh might want to adapt is the blank, stupid, clueless expression on the face of that fibrglass marlin in the photo with which Craig so generously provided us while claiming that its utterly apocryphal color scheme had anything to do with that of a real one. My son has a barracuda he caught when he was ten mounted on his wall, and it has the same mindless gape. Polyurethane does that, which leads me to suspect that Fat Fredi had been polyurethaned himself and that Edwin Rodriguez will also be polyurethaned this offseason to help make him more of the sort of “team player” the Chihuahua is so fond of claiming the organization wants as a manager.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Nov 9, 2010 at 1:49 PM

      Thanks for the lunch idea…bagel and lox it is….tough to find smoked marlin in Chicago.

      • Jonny 5 - Nov 9, 2010 at 2:40 PM

        I had some Lox on Sunday, had a christening with a dinner put on by a very nice polish family. I ate like a king. Everything was soo delicious. The Lox, was a mistake. I crapped my brains out at about 3 AM. Literally my brains out.

      • Old Gator - Nov 9, 2010 at 5:11 PM

        That’s because you bought cheap heavy metal infested farm raised salmon lox. No, no. You want fresh wild caught salmon, which is available from my friends at Taku Smokeries in Juneau, Alaska. Cheap? No. But good? Try their smoked white king salmon and smoked white king salmon lox. Or, their hot or cold smoked king or coho lox. They also have smoked halibut lox – I usually don’t do subtle but this stuff is subtle squared. Oy! And they also have the most mind-boggling smoked salmon cream cheese spread you ever raked out a ring of with your pinky at three AM when you thought no one was looking while you raided the fridge. Also, the salmon jerky and the salmon “wings” (pectoral fins with blobs of meat attached; I call them omega popsicles) will transform your basketball watching this winter. Old Gator may distort and mangle for aesthetic effect but he doth not lie. Some of you right wingnuts out there may not check it out because you don’t want to be beholden to a socialist, and I understand that, but you don’t have to tell me about it, do you? Let the natural avarice and gluttony that drives your ideological constipation get the better of you and then remain shtum.

        Here ya go:

  2. kander013 - Nov 9, 2010 at 5:37 PM

    I suggest making your own lox or gravlaks for us here in Minnesota. Easy and cheap!

    I make it every year around Christmas-killer with some Carlsberg and Swedish meatballs.

    • Old Gator - Nov 9, 2010 at 9:58 PM

      Sounds like a great recipe and I may damned well take a shot at it. One question: the recipe lists aqavit or brandy but then doesn’t tell you what to do with it. I assume you use it on the fish at some point, no? Or are you just supposed to have a shot of it while working on the fish? I’m easy and could go either way.

  3. mvd513 - Nov 12, 2010 at 3:21 AM

    Youre weird. The blacks are great and actually look the most like a real marlin. Its not like they want to look like old Devil Rays.

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