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I’ll take “Things that may impact Andy Pettitte’s decision” for $100, Alex

Jan 7, 2011, 8:54 AM EDT

Pettitte looks in

I have no idea what’s taking Andy Pettitte so long to decide if he’s retiring or not. You’d think it would be pretty simple: (a) pitch for Yankees; or (b) stay home in big house with family.  I mean, sure, if there was some option (c) that represented harrowing unknowns I could see the reason for the delay, but it’s not like he’s dealing with some strange and sinister Z-axis here.

Oh well, his life and his decision.  But that won’t stop us from speculating what might complicate it all for him. Bob Klapisch has an intriguing theory:

One theory circulating at Yankee Stadium is that Pettitte is spooked by none other than Roger Clemens. Knowing he’s going to be the government’s star witness this summer might be enough to force Pettitte into hiding – especially if Clemens decides he’s going to take his former buddy down with him.

The trial, which is set to begin in July, figures to be a doozy. Unless The Rocket has a change of heart (or tactics), he’s going to swear he never used HGH or steroids. Those who’ve testified otherwise, including Brian McNamee and Pettitte, will be cast as witnesses with bad memories or are just flat-out lying.

It would certainly be way harder to concentrate on the season if the trial actually starts on time and if Pettitte is in the middle of that firestorm.  And given that he has already implicated Clemens under oath before the grand jury and in closed Congressional sessions back in 2008, he will be antagonistic to Clemens and Clemens’ lawyers will go after him. Query: if you had to deal with that would you rather go home for a couple of days afterward or would you rather have to get on a plane to Boston and face the Sox?

Let’s see, what else could be holding up the decision?  Maybe it’s a stretch, but here’s one:

Dow Jones reports a ruptured storage tank spilled 15,000 gallons of beef fat Tuesday, closing the northern end of the Houston Ship Channel … “Luckily the stuff is easy to clean up,” Brahm said. “It solidifies at room temperature, so as soon as it hit the water it just kind of sat there.”

Pettitte’s hometown of Deer Park, Texas is right next to the Houston Ship Channel. I don’t know if I’d want to be next to a beef-fat-filled waterway in 95 degree weather. Maybe this will make Pettitte decide to spend one more summer in New York instead of back home.

What? You got a better theory?

  1. yankeesfanlen - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:06 AM

    Can anyone tell the difference between being next to beef-fat and being next to Roger Clemens?

    • jkcalhoun - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:08 AM

      Roger melts at courtroom temperature.

  2. jkcalhoun - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:07 AM

    I’ve heard of phantom injuries for the purpose of making roster moves before, but “ruptured storage tank” is in a class by itself.

    • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:37 AM

      “ruptured storage tank”, isn’t that what kept Beltre out of commission a few years ago?

      • jkcalhoun - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:48 AM

        Merely a flesh wound.

  3. Ralph - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:18 AM

    Are we sure that the 15,000 gallons of beef fat isn’t just Roger Clemens? We’ve all seen what Roger looks like lately.

    • Ralph - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:21 AM

      Damn. HTML fail. Let’s try this one more time.

  4. Jonny 5 - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:21 AM

    I have a theory. And it’s just as good as above.

    He was soooo looking forward to pitching with Cliff Lee (cash said it was a done deal, don’t worry Andy), that he is now in discussions with the Phillies to pitch for them in 2011. I say he signs for unlimited Gino’s steaks for 1 year, with a team option for 2012 for the same deal, but to upgrade to provolone cheese for 2012. The buy out? 1 year of All you can eat Bassett’s ice cream to help him get over it.

    • Utley's Hair - Jan 7, 2011 at 11:05 AM

      Ring ring…

      Andy Pettitte: “Hello?”
      Ruben Amaro Jr.: “Hi, Andy. It’s Ruben—no, not the sandwich, the GM of the Phillies.”
      AP: “Hi, Rube. What can I do for you?”
      RAJ: “Not what you can do for me, but what I can do for you. Look out your window. We have Cliffy now. And all this can be yours, too. All you have to do is sign on the line, and switch your blue pinstripes for red.”

  5. Panda Claus - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:28 AM

    Would a beef-fat-filled waterway smell all that differently than bacon fat? If not, then there’s the answer. How many men can seriously turn away from bacon?

  6. BC - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    Klapisch is a chipwich.

    • sdelmonte - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:38 AM

      Why must we persist in insulting the noble Chipwich by comparing it with sportswriters?

      • BC - Jan 7, 2011 at 9:49 AM

        Not all sportswriters. Just this one. I still wish Bonilla had ripped him in half that one time.

  7. rmalmstrom - Jan 7, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    The title made me think of SNL. “Give me Ape Tit for $200.”

    • Panda Claus - Jan 7, 2011 at 11:45 AM

      Sean Connery, you have the board.
      Alex, I’ll take The Rapist for $100.

  8. Utley's Hair - Jan 7, 2011 at 10:57 AM

    Mmmm…15,000 pounds of beef fat…laaahhhlllll…D’OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. BC - Jan 7, 2011 at 1:15 PM

    Maybe there’s a mystery team involved.

    • Utley's Hair - Jan 7, 2011 at 2:18 PM

      Mystery team? Nope. Mystery meat, maybe.

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