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So we’re really doing this Eric Chavez thing, huh?

Jan 13, 2011, 4:22 PM EDT

San Francisco Giants v Oakland Athletics

If I were Bill Simmons, right about now I’d say something like “I wish there was someplace you could bet on things like ‘the date on which Eric Chavez hits the disabled list, the date on which its reported that his career is likely over and the date on which he says he’s coming back in 2012′”:

Free agent Eric Chavez, trying to come back from three injury-riddled seasons in Oakland, held a personal workout for the Toronto Blue Jays recently, a source told’s Jerry Crasnick … Seattle and the Los Angeles Dodgers have both expressed interest in Chavez, who has one offer on the table from an unidentified club, according to a source.

That should probably read “four injury-riddled seasons,” given that he hasn’t played 100 games in a year since 2006.

Oh, and if were Simmons, I’d probably reference my college friends by their silly college nicknames first, look into the mirror and ask myself if anyone still talks about his friends like that past the age of 40 second, and then I’d ask about the Eric Chavez betting thing.

  1. dodger88 - Jan 13, 2011 at 4:34 PM

    $5 says he signs with the Dodgers.

    • billybeaneismyhero - Jan 13, 2011 at 8:04 PM

      Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness wrote a pretty decent article posing that same idea. I don’t know if I’d do it, but he made a compelling argument.

  2. madhatternalice - Jan 13, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    Actually, if you were Bill Simmons, you’d probably spend six paragraphs talking about he’s not a good fit for the Red Sox.

    • JBerardi - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:11 PM

      …After 12 paragraphs talking about how great The Karate Kid was and engaging in causal misogyny. Being paid to act like a 14 year old boy? It’s nice work if you can get it…

  3. Lukehart80 - Jan 13, 2011 at 4:46 PM

    I hope we get a long thread of, “If you were Bill Simmons…” lines.

    • JBerardi - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:15 PM

      If you were Bill Simmons, you’d get your ass handed to you by Charlie Pierce:

      • JBerardi - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:16 PM

        Or REALLY get your ass handed to you by Pierce:

      • JBerardi - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:34 PM

        If you were Bill Simmons, you’d be impregnating your wife against her wishes and then bragging about it in your book, because you’re THAT much of a douche:

        Seriously, Simmons is the biggest jerkstore in all of sportswriting, and that says a whole lot.

  4. tanikaze - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:01 PM

    If you were Bill Simmons, you wouldn’t even be talking about BASEBALL for crissakes!

  5. jjschiller - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:13 PM

    If you were Bill Simmons, no one would read your questions anyway.

  6. ramsbladdercup - Jan 13, 2011 at 5:46 PM

    Sorry, had to do this. I am a Yankee fan, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t missed a Bill Simmons column in 5,6,7 years, how ever long he’s been out there. All of the above comments have some truth in them, but I am almost always entertained by his columns.

  7. Matt - Jan 13, 2011 at 6:20 PM

    If you were Bill Simmons you’d have hair.

  8. paperlions - Jan 13, 2011 at 6:26 PM

    I used to read Simmons, but it has been at least two years since he made me laugh, maybe longer….and I just stopped ever clicking on them. They are stale and repetitive, his sports knowledge is mostly lore and anecdote (except for the NBA, which I couldn’t care less about).
    I listened to his pod casts for a short time, and still do on occasion when the guest warrants a listen (like the recent one with LZ Granderson), but anything where he is talking to his friends is like listening to two know-it-all drunks in a bar…no thanks.

  9. bigtrav425 - Jan 13, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    i think he will make it to Memorial day w/end before he gets hurt

  10. motherscratcher23 - Jan 13, 2011 at 9:09 PM

    I think it’s become very popular to crack on Simmons.

    • fquaye149 - Jan 14, 2011 at 2:26 AM

      What a double-edged sword, considering “it being popular” is the zeitgeist that got him his gig in the first place. Or, you know, whatever.

  11. purnellmeagrejr - Jan 13, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    What was Calcaterra trying to say there in the end? I wonder if he knows.

  12. wonkypenguin - Jan 13, 2011 at 10:47 PM

    Yup, Craig, these are your readers.

  13. BC - Jan 14, 2011 at 10:05 AM

    If I were Bill Simmons, I wouldn’t be sitting at my desk at work and commenting on blogs on company time. I’d get PAID to do this type of stuff! Woo hoo!
    PS. Charlie Pierce is a chipwich.

  14. Dan in Katonah - Jan 14, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Back to the original question at hand… I predict that upon signing his deal with whomever he will sprain his back as he stands up from the table and be on the DL before his signature is dry. Too bad, he was a good player when healthy.

  15. imcrae38 - Jan 14, 2011 at 1:10 PM

    If you were Bill Simmons, you would be a multimillionaire living in sunny LA and wouldn’t look like a bald version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

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