Jan 31, 2011, 5:20 AM EST
I threw my back out this weekend. No idea how I did it. When I sat down on Saturday morning I felt fine. When I stood up to get out of the chair none of my lower back muscles worked. These are the sorts of things that happen to you when you’re slothful and are pushing 40. Silver lining: given that standing up was quite painful and doing any actual housework or active parenting was out of the question, I sat in a comfy leather chair for two days and read two books. Well, finished a long one I had been reading and read another.
Something I already knew but which was underscored in a major, major way: Edward Hopper and James Ellroy would be the worst wingmen in history. If you asked Hopper to talk to the friend of the girl you’re scoping out, he’d say nothing for five minutes, then say something witheringly cutting and then paint a picture of her as a figure of stark loneliness. Ellroy would go motormouth on her about how she looked a lot like his dead mother. You know, the one whose murder he caused by invoking a curse back in 1958? Either way, you’re not going home with the girl you were scoping out.
Anyway, this is what you may have missed if, like me, you spent the weekend reading about two fantastic artists with serious psycho-sexual issues:
- R.A. Dickey got a two-year extension. I love the pic of him we keep using. Never has so much intensity been exhibited for a pitch as slow as the one he likely threw seconds after the photo was taken.
- Albert Pujols will veto any trade. Which is kind of academic considering that, if any serious trade talk gets going, several hundred thousand Cardinals fans will storm the team’s executive offices.
- They’ll talk, sure, but the Orioles aren’t exactly desperate to get Vlad Guerrero.
- A “Derek Jeter takes batting practice” story that actually turned out to be rather interesting.
- I highly doubt the Rays will let Kyle Farnsworth close many games, but I sure hope they do. By the way: whose yer faverite guy from “judge dredd”? mine is probly judge dredd.
- Chone Figgins want’s to “stay and win in Seattle.” In other news, Figgins apparently plans on playing for the next 20 years.
- Troy Glaus might sit out the beginning of this year. Probably still tired from stabbing that grounder at third base against the Giants in the NLDS.
- And the list of active major league baseball players who are older than your fair blogger has been reduced by yet another name.
- The more updates we get about Justin Morneau the more worried I get about Justin Morneau‘s career.
- The Mets are going to host the 2013 All-Star Game. Though I’m guessing that the Wilpons will gladly sell the rights to the game if you make them an offer.
- The Orioles may or may not have made an offer to Justin Duchscherer. Given how much Baltimore talk radio I do, I probably should get better at pronouncing his last name, huh? UPDATE: They signed him. Guess I really do need to figure that out.
- Report: Red Sox offer Jon Lester six years, $110-120 million 65
- Report: “There is a 90 percent chance that Pablo Sandoval will sign with the Red Sox” 121
- A’s sign Billy Butler to three-year, $30 million contract 79
- Cardinals reportedly joining pursuit of Jon Lester 65
- Giancarlo Stanton’s contract is backloaded. REALLY backloaded. 148
- Braves and Cardinals swap Jason Heyward and Shelby Miller in blockbuster deal 156
- Blue Jays sign Russell Martin to five-year, $82 million deal 135
- Done Deal: Giancarlo Stanton and the Marlins agree on the biggest contract in baseball history 124
- Biggest deal in baseball history: Giancarlo Stanton close to 13-year, $325 million contract with Marlins (182)
- So Curt Schilling spent his evening arguing against the theory of evolution (165)
- Braves and Cardinals swap Jason Heyward and Shelby Miller in blockbuster deal (156)
- Giancarlo Stanton’s contract is backloaded. REALLY backloaded. (148)
- Blue Jays sign Russell Martin to five-year, $82 million deal (135)