Jan 31, 2011, 5:20 AM EST
I threw my back out this weekend. No idea how I did it. When I sat down on Saturday morning I felt fine. When I stood up to get out of the chair none of my lower back muscles worked. These are the sorts of things that happen to you when you’re slothful and are pushing 40. Silver lining: given that standing up was quite painful and doing any actual housework or active parenting was out of the question, I sat in a comfy leather chair for two days and read two books. Well, finished a long one I had been reading and read another.
Something I already knew but which was underscored in a major, major way: Edward Hopper and James Ellroy would be the worst wingmen in history. If you asked Hopper to talk to the friend of the girl you’re scoping out, he’d say nothing for five minutes, then say something witheringly cutting and then paint a picture of her as a figure of stark loneliness. Ellroy would go motormouth on her about how she looked a lot like his dead mother. You know, the one whose murder he caused by invoking a curse back in 1958? Either way, you’re not going home with the girl you were scoping out.
Anyway, this is what you may have missed if, like me, you spent the weekend reading about two fantastic artists with serious psycho-sexual issues:
- R.A. Dickey got a two-year extension. I love the pic of him we keep using. Never has so much intensity been exhibited for a pitch as slow as the one he likely threw seconds after the photo was taken.
- Albert Pujols will veto any trade. Which is kind of academic considering that, if any serious trade talk gets going, several hundred thousand Cardinals fans will storm the team’s executive offices.
- They’ll talk, sure, but the Orioles aren’t exactly desperate to get Vlad Guerrero.
- A “Derek Jeter takes batting practice” story that actually turned out to be rather interesting.
- I highly doubt the Rays will let Kyle Farnsworth close many games, but I sure hope they do. By the way: whose yer faverite guy from “judge dredd”? mine is probly judge dredd.
- Chone Figgins want’s to “stay and win in Seattle.” In other news, Figgins apparently plans on playing for the next 20 years.
- Troy Glaus might sit out the beginning of this year. Probably still tired from stabbing that grounder at third base against the Giants in the NLDS.
- And the list of active major league baseball players who are older than your fair blogger has been reduced by yet another name.
- The more updates we get about Justin Morneau the more worried I get about Justin Morneau‘s career.
- The Mets are going to host the 2013 All-Star Game. Though I’m guessing that the Wilpons will gladly sell the rights to the game if you make them an offer.
- The Orioles may or may not have made an offer to Justin Duchscherer. Given how much Baltimore talk radio I do, I probably should get better at pronouncing his last name, huh? UPDATE: They signed him. Guess I really do need to figure that out.
- Blue Jays sign Dayan Viciedo to a minor league deal 8
- Chris Sale will be sidelined for three weeks with foot fracture 11
- Aramis Ramirez says 2015 will be his last year 32
- Francisco Rodriguez re-signs with the Brewers 9
- If addiction is an illness — and it is — Josh Hamilton shouldn’t be suspended 299
- Pirates open to massive extension for Andrew McCutchen 18
- Report: Josh Hamilton had a relapse this offseason that “involved at least cocaine” 86
- Yankees don’t plan on having to pay A-Rod’s $30 million in home run milestone bonuses 51
- If addiction is an illness — and it is — Josh Hamilton shouldn’t be suspended (299)
- San Francisco — and all of California — will consider a smokeless tobacco ban that includes MLB parks (131)
- Report: The Yankees were “fuming” at how A-Rod handled his early arrival to spring training (114)
- Cuban prospect Yoan Moncada reportedly signs with the Red Sox for $31.5 million, plus $31.5 million in penalties (106)
- Brian Sabean says that California taxes are a hindrance to the Giants signing free agents (102)