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The Dusty Baker anecdote you could have gone your whole life without hearing

Feb 22, 2011, 1:42 PM EDT

Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker reacts to his team's play against the St. Louis Cardinals during the first inning of play in National League Major League Baseball game at Great American Ball Park in Cincinnati

FOX’s Jon Paul Morosi passes along an anecdote about Dusty Baker’s final dark days as the Cubs’ manager that, I am quite certain, is unique in the history of Major League Baseball:

“At the very end, somebody took a dump right where I stood in the dugout every day,” Baker said Monday morning. “That was the low point. The grounds crew guy cleaned it up. He said, ‘Oh, I think it’s dog crap.’ I said, ‘No it ain’t. That’s human crap.’”

Dusty doesn’t know who did it. I find it hard to believe that a fan is gonna schlep a bag of crap to the ballpark.  And even if the plan was, um, put together in a bathroom in Wrigley Field, there would be too many other fans who would see the drop.  No: this was an inside job. A player or a coach did it in the wee small hours of the morning before Duty Baker made his way to the dugout.

But who did it?  Looking at the roster of the 2006 Cubs suggests all manner of suspects. Michael Barrett wasn’t well-liked on that team.  Todd Walker had his share of attitude issues during his career. Greg Maddux has a history of scatalogical pranksterism.  Really, it could have been anyone!  Well, maybe not Neifi Perez. That dude practically owed his career to Baker. He’d probably take a bullet for the guy.

The real question is whether anyone saved the evidence.  Because while it’s likely not possible now, I’m sure someday technology will help us make a positive ID.

Anyone?

  1. SmackSaw - Feb 22, 2011 at 1:50 PM

    Prior or Wood. Dusty ruined them. Or a really drunk Zambrano.

  2. Professor Longnose - Feb 22, 2011 at 1:52 PM

    It’s possible now: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12353586

  3. drunkenhooliganism - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:01 PM

    It was a message from one of Dr Jobe’s Capo’s. Baker hadn’t delivered him a shredded elbow in a few months.

    • drunkenhooliganism - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:04 PM

      also- he thinks the pile of crap was a low point for him? how about the grounds crew guy?

      also 2.0- “A History of Scatological Pranksterism” was Viggo Mortenson’s Opis.

  4. fndan9 - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:03 PM

    It was Todd Packer!

    • phukyouk - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:19 PM

      you spelled Fudge wrong.

  5. Jonny 5 - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    Sounds like Dusty trying to pawn off his incontinence issues on someone else to me……

    • Utley's Hair - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:18 PM

      I think it was Heyward.

    • scatterbrian - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:22 PM

      Depends on who you believe

  6. concretepiggy - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:14 PM

    Jon Heyman. Luis Castillo is next; he’d better check his spot on the bench every inning.

  7. scatterbrian - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:16 PM

    How many pictures of Dusty did you go through before finding one where he’s sniffing his hand?

  8. phukyouk - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:19 PM

    really? it seems pretty straight forward to me.. someone was trying to tell him that they thought he was a huge pile of sh*t

    • scatterbrian - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:33 PM

      Hmmm, maybe it was a misunderstanding. Some front office type says “that’s where the pile of shit stands every day” which is overheard by an intrepid groundskeeper and taken literally.

  9. Panda Claus - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:24 PM

    Fat Bastard probably did it. He was routinely known to “have a crap on deck that would choke a donkey.”

    • Panda Claus - Feb 22, 2011 at 4:24 PM

      OK, so no one’s an Austin Powers fan.

      Would you believe it was Gilbert Arenas? He’s done this before, although in a shoe.

  10. heyblueyoustink - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:29 PM

    Maybe a Poltergoat? or maybe this guy: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-12366108

  11. yankeesfanlen - Feb 22, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    Oh, great. The squads aren’t even assembled and we have poop jokes.

  12. Jonny 5 - Feb 22, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    ‘Oh, I think it’s dog crap.’ I said, ‘No it ain’t. That’s human crap.’” I should know, it just rolled down MY leg.”

  13. Tyree Studio - Feb 22, 2011 at 5:20 PM

    I wouldn’t be so quick to rule out Neifi.
    That guy took a dump everytime he hit the field for KC.

  14. xmatt0926x - Feb 22, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    I think we can safely eliminate Gregg Maddux. I’m guessing it was Hank Steinbrenner.

  15. PanchoHerreraFanClub - Feb 22, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    Surely that wasn’t the only crappy thing that Dusty had to deal with in the Cubs’ dugout.

  16. cur68 - Feb 22, 2011 at 9:59 PM

    I think it was either Cashman or Hank Steinbrenner. They have motive (they hate the Bake man for being overweight and owning a house), opportunity (they can afford big bribes to get in) & both are fulla crap.

    • Utley's Hair - Feb 22, 2011 at 10:03 PM

      Nah…Hank likes to fling his.

      • cur68 - Feb 22, 2011 at 10:14 PM

        LMAO! Who says it wasn’t a flung?

      • Utley's Hair - Feb 23, 2011 at 12:09 AM

        When Pugsley Steinbrenner flings it, the only place that doesn’t get hit is the floor.

  17. ta192 - Feb 23, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Sounds like a job for CSI (Chicago Scatological Investigations)…

  18. macjacmccoy - Feb 24, 2011 at 12:47 AM

    “The real question is whether anyone saved the evidence. Because while it’s likely not possible now, I’m sure someday technology will help us make a positive ID.”

    LoL What are you talking about. Of course its possible. Cops can get DNA out of a tiny bit of saliva on the end of a cigarette butt. So they can definitely get some DNA from something that comes out the end of a totally different butt.

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