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Must-Click Link: How to pick which team to root for

Mar 2, 2011, 11:40 AM EDT

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Most of us already have a rooting interest. But if you don’t or if you know someone who doesn’t, here’s the absolute best flow chart I’ve ever seen in my life to help you with your choice.

I’m struggling to see any of the choices that lead you to any specific team as wrong.  Indeed, most of them are so dead right that they’ll probably make you squirm. And by you, I mean absolutely everyone.

  1. BC - Mar 2, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    It’s simple. Root for the Mets! They need the money!

    • sdelmonte - Mar 2, 2011 at 11:58 AM

      Nah, that logic could lead you to root for the Dodgers.

  2. Rosenthals Speling Instrukter - Mar 2, 2011 at 11:47 AM

    Makes sense, I do not like my Appletini’s with Raspberry. Go Padres.

  3. adrianbk - Mar 2, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    Hmm, turns out I should root for the rays. Fat chance

  4. stealofhome - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    So I saw this in my Google Reader and nearly didn’t click through. Then I read “flow chart” and clicked through immediately. I…I need help.

  5. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    I have a soul: Arguable, but I’ll go with yes if I have to be a Yanks fan otherwise.

    I care if my team wins another game: YES!

    I’m watching baseball to pass the time until football camp: NO NO NO.

    I use sports to distract myself from the drudgery of my life: No, that’s what Scheduled drugs are for.

    I cheer when the Jumbotron says so and not a moment sooner: What’s a jumbotron? No.

    Is it racist to have a race of people be the mascot? Yes, to a degree.

    Look at me and I’ll punch you: Not really.

    I’m afraid of large crowds: No.

    I am ashamed to eat sushi at a ballgame: No, but I’m skeptical of it’s quality so forgetaboutit.

    My favorite tailgate food is: Any kind of encased meat

    If a foul ball came my way I would: Seek a child and give the ball to him/her.

    Really? Yes.

    Let’s go Jays!!!

    • dodger88 - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:11 PM

      Apparently my 7 years living in Toronto rubbed off as I too ended up with the Jays.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:12 PM

      And without further adieu, my follow-up flow chart:

      Do you like pie more than cake?

      Yes: Braves fan.
      No: Go f@ck yourself.

      • Utley's Hair - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:15 PM

        Braves…pie…you are so deluded.

      • spookymilk - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:37 PM

        The word is “ado.” Argh.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:59 PM

        My apologies. Of course, you’re correct Now I bid you adieu, biatch!

      • Utley's Hair - Mar 2, 2011 at 2:47 PM

        I overlooked the sleight to the French language—a misplaced shot at Francouer perhaps?—since you’re a pie-eating Braves fan, so you obviously have enough other flaws to worry about. (But I couldn’t let yesterday’s “homeslice” reference slide.)

    • Utley's Hair - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:50 PM

      Fixed this for you:

      Look at me and I’ll punch you: Not really—unless your name is Fiorentino.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:00 PM

        [accept changes]

      • Kevin S. - Mar 2, 2011 at 7:36 PM

        + 1000000000000

  6. jh0088 - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:08 PM

    Shouldn’t the Rockies and Diamondbacks be switched?

    If you think it is too cold for baseball you should root for the DBacks, not the Rockies. And if you think it is too hot for baseball then you should root for the Rockies not the DBacks. They have it switched.

  7. putzilla - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:15 PM

    The Twins fan one is sooo close, but the correct answer is Hot Dish on-a-stick.

  8. yankeesfanlen - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:23 PM

    Some of these have way too many qualifiers. a quick “no” and I was done.


    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:25 PM

      27 forever.

  9. Utley's Hair - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    So Raiders fans watch the A’s to bide their time until Raiders camp opens? Wow…that just…sucks.

  10. Jonny 5 - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    It seems I should either be a Phills fan, or a Cards fan. Who brings their grandmothers to games anyway?

    • heyblueyoustink - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:54 PM

      If it gets me handicapped parking, discounted tickets or special seating, you bet your arse i’m bringing grams to any game she wants.

      • byjiminy - Mar 2, 2011 at 5:10 PM

        Let me guess…Yankees fan?

  11. PierzynskiAteMyKitten - Mar 2, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    “Look at me like that and I will punch you
    In the face–Detroit Tigers
    In the neck–Chicago White Sox”


  12. lar @ wezen-ball - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Great chart. I like it a lot. I kind of feel that the Cubs/Phils/Brewers were a cop-out (and not only because I think the Brewers definitely should have been an option off the encased meat junction…)

    Also, because I know what it feels like to create an image and then have no idea when people are viewing it, here’s the link to the actual post with the flow chart:

  13. spookymilk - Mar 2, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    This is my new desktop background. Thanks.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Mar 2, 2011 at 2:00 PM

      hahahaha, mine too.

  14. cur68 - Mar 2, 2011 at 2:27 PM

    I have in fact give the one, and only, ball I ever caught at a ball game to a small child. In my defense his mom was H O T! Sigh. I am pathetically predictable excepting for not liking crowds. I loathe crowds but I put up with it because I love baseball and there are the occasional hot mom or two around. I’m printing this chart for purposes of adoring my bathroom wall.

    • stuckonwords - Mar 3, 2011 at 7:01 AM

      Adoring your bathroom wall? lol Is that like “worshiping the porcelain god”?

      • cur68 - Mar 3, 2011 at 6:00 PM

        No. It’s like missing the ‘n’ in ‘adorning’ but i didn’t re-post because I kinda liked the word play. In fact, since I have the flu, I’ve been adoring it ON my bathroom wall pretty much all day. Haven’t had to worship the porcelain good but have mooned him quite a bit.

  15. BC - Mar 2, 2011 at 3:54 PM

    The box directly before the Mets on the flowchart fits me to a T.

    • Utley's Hair - Mar 2, 2011 at 5:02 PM

      The “Yes” box?

  16. elpendejo59 - Mar 3, 2011 at 12:57 AM

    Scary accurate. Back when I was a kid, Chief Nok-a-homa was lovable, not racist. But, what did I know? I made a conscious decision to become a Braves fan- in the mid 80’s.

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