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The “Michael Corleone” contraction theory

Mar 18, 2011, 8:20 AM EDT

Michael Corleone

Let’s be clear at the outset: contraction is not happening. Even in the articles that talk about people talking about contraction — like Joel Sherman’s from yesterday — it is stipulated that, no this is a non-starter. So what I’m saying is, don’t cite this post or the Sherman column I’m linking as “continuing contraction rumors” or whatever because it’s just talk. It’s like if I were to go on about how Carla Gugino and I could spend a long weekend in a cottage at Big Sur, sipping expensive wine and feeding each other the finest meats and cheeses while listening to Billie Holliday records. Great topic — totally fun topic! — but it doesn’t really mean anything.  Well, to anyone besides me, to whom it means everything.

The point: Joel Sherman hears how the contraction thing — which totally isn’t happening — would go down if it were, you know, actually happening.  Sherman calls it his Michael Corleone theory, in that it would be used by Bud Selig to settle all family business.  Best I can tell is that The Athletics would be Carlo Rizzi and the Rays would be Moe Greene, with Lew Wolff and Stuart Sternberg moving in to take over the Dodgers and the Mets, respectively after Frank McCourt and Fred Wilpon get whacked.  Which I guess makes them Barzini and Tattaglia.

Anyway, Sherman talks about how that would all make sense, and also talks about why it won’t happen (same reasons I mentioned a couple of weeks ago).

I hate the idea of contraction, but I like the idea of Bud Selig settling scores like that. Makes him way more interesting.  But I still don’t know who “Strachi” was and why Michael had him whacked by Clemenza in the elevator. Even if Clemenza looked cool firing that shotgun through the door.

  1. banksatdixie - Mar 18, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    This is by far my favorite Craig piece. Ever.

  2. yankeesfanlen - Mar 18, 2011 at 8:39 AM

    Stracci was one of the heads of the five families, so he was killed on general principles. Myself, I’ve always been queasy around revolving doors.

  3. Chris Fiorentino - Mar 18, 2011 at 8:46 AM

    The mob bosses getting whacked while Michael is in church as Godfather to his nephew is the single greatest minute in cinematic history…

    “Michael Corleone, do you renounce Satan?”
    BANG!!!
    “I do renounce him”
    BANG!!!
    “…and all of his empty promises?”
    BANG!!!!
    “I do renounce them”
    BANG!!!

    • drunkenhooliganism - Mar 18, 2011 at 10:11 AM

      I don’t think anyone who ever was honored as a godfather hasn’t thought of that movie when on the altar renouncing satan. All I could think about was how I should have been settling old scores while my godson was being baptized.

  4. Paul White - Mar 18, 2011 at 9:55 AM

    yankeesfanlen is right…Stracci was head of one of the five families, so he had to go. Same with Don Cuneo, whose assassination in the revolving door by Willy Cicci wasn’t mentioned.

  5. snowbirdgothic - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Now I’m imagining Bud Selig waking up with Mr. Met’s severed head in his bed.

    • umrguy42 - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:26 AM

      Although given Bud’s history, couldn’t it be Bernie Brewer’s just as easily?

      • snowbirdgothic - Mar 18, 2011 at 4:27 PM

        Good point. I’m thinking the moustache would tickle him awake earlier, though.

  6. BC - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    Leave the gun. Grab the cannoli.

    • Dan in Katonah - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:39 AM

      Best movie line ever. But it was “take” the cannoli.
      Uh oh, I should never go against the family in public…

  7. Dan in Katonah - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    Wilpon was a pimp. He never could have outsmarted Selig. No, it was Madoff all along…

  8. Dan in Katonah - Mar 18, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    Mr. Friedman, why are you cancelling your massage?

  9. heynerdlinger - Mar 18, 2011 at 2:01 PM

    So let me get this straight: This plan -which is never going to happen- now involves not only contracting the two cheapest franchises, but also simultaneously buying out two of the most expensive franchises. As an added bonus, this “plan” involves brushing up against the Madoff lawsuit *and* the McCourt divorce settlement.

  10. monsieurbear - Mar 18, 2011 at 3:16 PM

    Carla Gugino doesn’t look like she eats a lot of meat.

  11. macjacmccoy - Mar 18, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    Strachi was the leader of 1 of the 5 families Michael just wanted to kill them all so he did. Couno Strachi Tatalia Barzini and Corleone as the 5 families. They killed all 4 plus Mo Greene.

  12. sparty99 - Mar 20, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    I’m actually strongly in favor of contraction, and love this idea (even though I know it’s impossible because of the connections to the Madoff and McCourt messes. Additionally, if you consider that these two franchises are unable to pay top dollar because of their economic situations, the argument about lost salary by the MLBPA seems a bit weak. However, I don’t like the idea of contracting one of the original 16 franchises (the A’s). I would prefer that the franchise itself be relocated to a city that has teams that are financially viable but don’t have much history (Texas, San Diego and Seattle spring to mind) and and that team be contracted (i.e., the Oakland A’s become the Seattle Mariners for the sake of franchise continuity and the players in the Mariners system are made available via dispersal draft).

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