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Obama will not be at Opening Day

Mar 31, 2011, 10:30 AM EDT

Obama First Pitch

In case you care about such things:

The White House and the Washington Nationals say President Barack Obama is skipping the season opener, despite a standing invitation for the first fan to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

What is there, a war on? Oh, yeah. Well, I suppose there is.

Look, I’m going to level with you: if I were President, most of my energy in the job would be to get free crap that no one else can get. I’d be throwing out first pitches to the point where teams would start feeling awkward and trying to make excuses for me not to come. I’d be calling command performances by bands who haven’t played together in years (“Well, Mr. Biafra, I don’t care if your spoken-word tour has sold out coffee shops all over the Pacific northwest. I want you, Ray and the others setting up in the Rose Garden and playing “Holiday in Cambodia” by Friday, or else you’re all getting audited”).

Maybe this isn’t the kind of president America wants. But it’s the kind of president America needs. Because life was a lot more fun back in the 90s when our nation was preoccupied with silly b.s. most of the time and fewer people were getting bombed.

  1. jasoncollette - Mar 31, 2011 at 10:33 AM

    Too bad Rick Scott won’t do the same

    • easports82 - Mar 31, 2011 at 10:41 AM

      No! Keep that dumb-ass busy with trivial crap so he can stop giving away $1.5 billion in tax cuts, cutting $1.7 billion from education and turning down $2.4 billion in federal funds for jobs.

  2. oldtimefamilybaseball - Mar 31, 2011 at 10:35 AM

    I’m so happy to find a Dead Kennedys reference hidden in an Opening Day post.

  3. Jonny 5 - Mar 31, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    No way. The Kennedy’s, wow. You continue to amaze me. Anyway, we’ve already established Obama throws like a girl, so we don’t need to hear more about that from the right anyway. One wingnut will think he’s unAmerican for not doing this of course, and it’ll be “news”.

    • Utley's Hair - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:15 AM

      At least Ba Ba Booey didn’t bounce it five feet off the mound.

  4. bobwsc - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    he must throw rightie; hence his lady-like, terrible left toss. Luke Scott, signing off.

  5. markfrednubble - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    Jello for mayor! Klaus Flouride on the south lawn!

  6. Alex K - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    One question to the guys saying he throws like a girl….have you ever thrown a pitch with a kevlar vest on?

    • bobwsc - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:23 AM

      kevlar vest or not, his mechanics look like he’s engaging in a catfight. and with the way vests are made today, they’re not that much heavier / more cumbersome than catchers gear.

      • Utley's Hair - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:38 AM

        “…they’re not that much heavier / more cumbersome than catchers gear…”

        And yet he doesn’t do that all the time, so it still takes some major adjustment.

      • Alex K - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:54 AM

        He’s also not a professional athlete.

      • Utley's Hair - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:19 PM

        My point exactly.

    • randomdigits - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:02 PM

      Bush managed to do it.

      • Utley's Hair - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:18 PM

        He also gave up Sosa—so what’s your point?

      • randomdigits - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:34 PM

        My point is that Bush managed to throw a strike with a vest on, nothing less nothing more. Was just stating that it could be done.

      • Alex K - Mar 31, 2011 at 2:46 PM

        He also probably had much more practice throwing a baseball.

  7. sdelmonte - Mar 31, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    If he took the mound at a Nats game, they might not let him leave. He’s a lefty and he’s under 50.

  8. randomdigits - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    The first pitch probably interfered with his tee time.

    • Utley's Hair - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:21 PM

      Or he had other things to do, like trying to minimize the number of people bitching about what he takes out minimal time to do during the course of his 24/7/365 job.

      There is no freaking winning with some people.

      • randomdigits - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:33 PM

        Actually the more time he spends out of the Oval Office the happier I am.

      • bobwsc - Mar 31, 2011 at 4:31 PM

        or showing off his NCAA bracket on TV

  9. TheTimotin - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:32 PM

    Good call on the DK reference Craig. You don’t hear nearly enough appreciation for terrible punk rock these days.

  10. mgflolox - Mar 31, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Well, he certainly has a better jump shot than any other President ever had.

    • ThatGuy - Mar 31, 2011 at 3:53 PM

      You trying to tell me Teddy Roosevelt couldn’t ball?

    • bobwsc - Mar 31, 2011 at 4:32 PM

      wonder if he gets all the calls too, Jordan style

  11. oldpaddy - Mar 31, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    Obama eats kittens!

    Howard Sterns penis!!!

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