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People asked me questions on Twitter. So I shall answer them.

Apr 13, 2011, 1:30 PM EDT

The Question

As you may have seen on HBT Daily, I asked people on Twitter for questions they’d like to have answered. I got way more than the handful I answered on the video, however, and I hate to have them go to waste, so let’s clean out the inbox, shall we?  And remember, these are actual questions from actual readers. If they weren’t, David Letterman couldn’t wiggle those blue cards of his:

Q: Would you rather sit on the Supreme Court or run the Braves?

The Supreme Court. Because I’m too afraid to negotiate with Jason Heyward. He can’t be bargained with. Can’t be reasoned with …

Q: Who is you favorite Met?

Mookie Wilson.

Q: If you were commish for day and were tasked with creating competitive balance, what would you change?

I’d impose a more equitable share of local TV money, realign into two leagues with no divisions, impose a perfectly balanced schedule and have the top four (or six or whatever people agree on) make the playoffs. I don’t know if that would work, but it would please me.

Q: Macaroni or spaghetti? Burgers or hotdogs? Sex or baseball? Vanilla or chocolate? Marijuana or heroin? Superman or Batman?

Spaghetti, burgers, sex, chocolate, I’m a clean cut American man who gets high on life, and Batman.  Like there was any question about Batman.

Q: Jersey Shore, America? Really?

I know.

Q: Is this the worst thing written on Manny yet? It must be close.

It’s bad, but I’m waiting for Manny’s Hall of Fame eligibility to come up. I think we’ll be into “Manny committed war crimes” territory then.

Q: If you could have dinner with one famous cartoon character, who would it be?

Bugs Bunny when he was dressed up like the girl bunny. Wait. I said that in my out loud voice, didn’t I.

Q: Year the cubs win the WS? against who?

2015. Starlin Castro wins the MVP.  They beat the Royals. The networks vow to fix things going forward so no Midwest team ever reaches the World Series again.

Q: Can you tell me why an error can’t be charged on a sure double play that is missed?

As the old saying goes, “to ASSUME the double play makes an ASS out of U and the second baseman who got weak in the knees when the runner from first was barreling down on him when he made the throw.”

Q: Team the mets will get their first no-no against?

The Mars Marauders, following the expansion.

Q: More likely to be remembered forever: Buckner or Dent?

Buckner, because the F-word will be outlawed in the year 2124, thereby eliminating the device by which most people remember Dent’s name.

Q: Do you like your grits regular, creamy or al dente?

Regular. And I prefer home fries.

Q: Why would he kill the sheriff but leave the deputy unharmed?

Hey, the deputy never hated him. Actually helped him out in his garden.  Besides, it wasn’t totally planned. Reflexes got the best of him.

Q: What if god was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus…

You sayin’ God is just a stranger on the bus? A slob like one of us?  Them’s fightin’ words! And speaking of blasphemy:

Q: Is Sam Fuld the new Jesus?

No.  But I will say this much: Like Jesus, by the age of 33, Fuld will have moved on to a different career.

Q: What blogger can you totally dominate in the octagon?

Neyer.  I consider him my primary mentor in this business, and everyone knows that one day the student must rise up and do battle with his own sensei. But even as I stand over his lifeless form, I will proclaim that I am not his equal and demand that you bury him with honor. Then I shall walk into the distance to the sound of a lonely pan flute.

And … scene.

  1. heyblueyoustink - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    ” But I will say this much: Like Jesus, by the age of 33, Fuld will have moved on to a different career”

    I am currently cleaning pesto chicken, roasted red peppers, and romaine off of my monitor due to this quote……

    Jesus’ second career, entreprenuering, right? Didn’t Buffet base his business model of the “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Deities”?

  2. yankeesfanlen - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    Question four has all the markings of Ut. You got most of them right. But really, chocolate?

    • Utley's Hair - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:52 PM

      Nope—wasn’t me. But it makes me hungry for the cheesesteak that I told Gator about.

    • Alex K - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:25 PM

      Vanilla can’t hold chocolate’s jock.

      • phukyouk - Apr 13, 2011 at 3:01 PM

        break into an Ebony and Ivory solo right about now.

  3. sdelmonte - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    You get one million bonus points for that image of The Question, one of my all time favorite comic book heroes.

  4. cur68 - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    All answers acceptable but please reconsider which rabbit you could have a meal with; Jessica Rabbit is the answer. Every. Time.

    • Jonny 5 - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:56 PM

      YES!!! Although I hear strawberry shortcake is looking pretty hot these days since she’s filled out.

      • Utley's Hair - Apr 13, 2011 at 3:51 PM

        Mmmm…strawberry shortcaaaaaake…D’OH!!!

        See? I knew you were just toying with Heyward and you haven’t actually gone over to the dark side.

  5. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:52 PM

    “Q: Is Sam Fuld the new Jesus?

    No. But I will say this much: Like Jesus, by the age of 33, Fuld will have moved on to a different career.”

    This brought a tear to me eye, I tell ye!

  6. phukyouk - Apr 13, 2011 at 1:53 PM

    sorry. but its always superman.. always always always

  7. The Common Man/ - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:02 PM

    The correct response is always Aquaman, Craig. You know that.

    • phukyouk - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:30 PM

      this is why you are wrong

    • baseballstars - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:49 PM

      No, it’s Sea Man.

  8. Mike Luna - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:02 PM

    Pardon my ignorance, but why can Jason Heyward not be bargained with? Always seemed like a stand-up kid to me.

    • The Common Man/ - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:11 PM

      Please go watch Terminator and get back to us, Mike.

      • jwbiii - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:24 PM

        You still don’t get it, do you? He’ll crush a fastball! That’s what he does! That’s ALL he does! You can’t stop him! He’ll wade through you, reach down and crush a fastball!

      • cur68 - Apr 13, 2011 at 4:28 PM

        And then, in the next inning, he’ll be back….

  9. paperlions - Apr 13, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    If a double play can’t be assumed….why can getting a single out be assumed? Watching the Cardinal MIF this year, I make no assumption that ground balls can be turned into even a single out….and based on the scoring so far this year, neither do the official scorers.

  10. fquaye149 - Apr 13, 2011 at 7:12 PM

    Anyone whose favorite Met isn’t William H. Wilson, well…they’ve got their own thing going on I guess!

  11. indaburg - Apr 13, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Thou shalt not speak ill of Samuel Fuld. Blasphemy!

  12. nicholi970 - Apr 15, 2011 at 12:42 AM

    Back to the Future II already predicted that 2015 Cubs WS victory, but they do so against Miami, not Kansas City

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