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Lenny Dykstra claims he has been tortured, abused and otherwise done wrong

May 10, 2011, 11:00 AM EST

*Nov 24 - 00:05*

The New York Post, abdicating most of whatever residual claim it had to being a news outlet as opposed to an entertainment outlet, decided to give recently-indicted sad sack Lenny Dykstra a column today.  You will not be at all surprised to learn that it contains all of the usual cliches one hears from recently-indicted sad sacks who feel it necessary to go on a P.R. blitz:

  • The delusion that his current struggles are part of some divine plan rather than his own greed and mendacity;
  • The claim that the U.S. Attorney and the FBI are out to get him; and
  • The claim that his indictment is a wonderful thing because now it allows him to tell his story;

Maybe God does have plans for people. Yes, the U.S. Attorney and the FBI do sometimes go after people. Yes, sometimes the innocent truly are set free because they finally are given a voice in a court of law.  I just kind of doubt that any of these are the case with Lenny Dykstra.

Less humorously, Dykstra claims that he has been tortured — yes, he actually uses that term — and says that he was “physically and mentally assaulted” in police custody. Which is an insult to the very real victims of very real torture and police brutality here and elsewhere.  Torture victims don’t write op-eds in the New York Post joking about their exploits in Shea Stadium and parsing the nature of grand theft auto based on the fact that the car involved “was only a Ford Flex.”  If you were truly tortured, Dykstra, get a lawyer, register a complaint with the proper authorities and do your best to endure until your nightmare is over.  Don’t pound your chest in the pages of the Post.

All of that said, I actually agree with Dykstra on one point. It’s when he says “I did not get stupid overnight.”  No Lenny, you didn’t. Because that implies that there has been some sort of change in this particular metric, and of that I see no evidence whatsoever.

  1. Jonny 5 - May 10, 2011 at 11:04 AM

    You won’t be laughing when Lenny makes you become his “house maid”. No, you won’t, and/ or can’t.

  2. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - May 10, 2011 at 11:32 AM

    When I read this, my favorite part was the fact that he wrote it to the Post. Now that is stayin’ classy.

  3. Utley's Hair - May 10, 2011 at 11:56 AM

    Is it my imagination or does Lenny look more and more like John Daly every day?

  4. aceshigh11 - May 10, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    The saddest part is that this is probably the LEAST execrable op-ed that’ll appear in the Post all year.

  5. koufaxmitzvah - May 10, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    It’s always sad to see people go batshit crazy. That being said, I can’t stop but think about the HBO Real Sports episode that fawned over Lenny. I forget the “sports journalist’s” name, but I doubt he’ll ever regain any credibility.

    • aceshigh11 - May 10, 2011 at 12:52 PM

      Funny you should mention that…

      The Real Sports “journalist” was Bernard Goldberg.

      And guess what? He also happens to be Fox News’ go-to guy for whining about “bias” in the media. He has a weekly segment on The O’Reilly Factor.

      Fox News and the NY Post are both owned by Rupert Murdoch’s Newscorp.

      I believe that’s what corporate types call “synergy.”

      • jimbo1949 - May 10, 2011 at 2:16 PM

        Bernard Goldberg “author” of 100 People Who are Screwing Up America. Yes Bernie, you left one of the top screw-ups off the list: Bernard Goldberg.
        And I’d probably debate your list if I ever felt like wasting the time to read your bilious drivel.

      • aleskel - May 10, 2011 at 3:04 PM

        in fairness to Goldberg (guh, I can’t believe I’m offering excuses for that miserable hack), he did do a follow-up piece when the bubble burst and it came out what a scumbag Dykstra was. I remember there was one part where he wandered into Dykstra’s (virtually empty) mansion and found him idly looking at his computer. It was rightfully pathetic.

  6. BC - May 10, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    But is he #WINNING

    • Utley's Hair - May 10, 2011 at 12:56 PM

      Duh.

      • aceshigh11 - May 10, 2011 at 12:58 PM

        And the Charlie Sheen meme lives on!

  7. aceshigh11 - May 10, 2011 at 12:57 PM

    Has anyone ever seen this? Apparently it was an aborted documentary that was going to be made about Lenny back when he was flying high:

    I mean…how did ANYONE buy into the idea that this guy was a financial genius…besides Jim Cramer, I mean?

    • The Dangerous Mabry - May 10, 2011 at 1:46 PM

      Hard to believe a guy with that kind of tact and class could end up in trouble…

    • Utley's Hair - May 10, 2011 at 2:15 PM

      Does he ever not sound blitzed?

      • mogogo1 - May 10, 2011 at 6:42 PM

        Without the baseball clips you’d swear he was some boxer that hung around too long. Glassed over eyes that never focus in on anything, slurred speech…. In half the scenes it didn’t appear he really knew where he was.

  8. dexterismyhero - May 10, 2011 at 1:49 PM

    Lenny will get “nailed”.

  9. BC - May 10, 2011 at 2:31 PM

    Yeah, Lenny didn’t get stupid overnight – he was always that way.
    Heck, even a broken watch is right twice a day….

  10. king3319 - May 10, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    Damn I hate to see him this way!!! When I was younger 1 of my favorite players!!! Always hustling,110% effort every game every year..now jus another sad case. Hope you get your stuff staight Lenny!!

    • mogogo1 - May 10, 2011 at 6:34 PM

      Same could be written about Pete Rose. Compared to Dykstra, Charlie Hustle looks better all the time.

  11. goforthanddie - May 10, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    This is the guy Sheen bailed out, right?
    Tards of a feather…

  12. goawayeverybody - May 10, 2011 at 8:28 PM

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Lenny Dykstra claims he was tortured HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

  13. thejokewriter - May 10, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    Klassy with a “K.” My guess is he’ll go “short” on prison currency. Says Dykstra…”What do you mean 1000 Kool’s only gets me a reach around?”

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