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Awful humanity ruins Bernie Brewer promotion

May 24, 2011, 3:50 PM EDT

Bernie Brewer

Sometimes I hate people. People and their grubby-ape fascination with baubles, tchotchkes, gewgaws, trinkets and kitsch, replacing the old ape instincts of hording fruit stores or whatever the hell else we did when we weren’t beating each other senseless with animal bones in front of monoliths:

The Milwaukee Brewers were hoping for an enthusiastic response to their “Where’s Bernie?” promotional program. They weren’t expecting fan stakeouts, Internet auctions and isolated reports of lawn-ornament hoarding. Brewers spokesman Tyler Barnes said fan response to Tuesday morning’s scavenger hunt-style promotion was “staggering,” though team officials were disappointed that some fans didn’t play by the rules.

It didn’t take long before social networking websites were buzzing with complaints about some fans staking out workers who were stashing the statues well before sunrise, then snapping up armfuls of ornaments as soon as they were hidden.

Take one. And be happy for what it is, not for what you can get for it or for the fact that you and your stinkin’ paws can get so damn many.

This is why we can’t have nice things, people.

  1. Jonny 5 - May 24, 2011 at 3:56 PM

    People make me sick!!!! Now excuse me while I go count my collection of baby rhino horns. Again……

  2. yankeesfanlen - May 24, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    That Travelocity gnome can’t keep his mouth shut for a minute!

    • bjavie - May 24, 2011 at 4:22 PM

      Alright, now THAT’S pretty funny. I’m still laughing!

    • Vincent - May 24, 2011 at 6:32 PM

      A Travelocity commercial came on as I started reading your comment, good sir.

  3. kopy - May 24, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    It’s pathetic, and these people need better things to do with their time. However, despite all that, I can’t believe the Brewers organization didn’t see this coming.

  4. The Common Man/ - May 24, 2011 at 4:05 PM

    I don’t like people either. That’s why I can’t wait for our robot overlords to finally put an end to all this foolishness.

    • Jonny 5 - May 24, 2011 at 4:15 PM

      Sorry to break it to you but we are also corrupt……… Is there more damning evidence than this??? And people call us saints……

  5. halladaysbicepts - May 24, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    “whatever the hell else we did when we weren’t beating each other senseless with animal bones in front of monoliths”

    Craig, this is priceless!

    If you recall, Craig, Mel Brooks’ History of the World: Part 1 movie, they mocked the cavemen from Kubrick’s 2001 movie in the beginning. Hilarious.

  6. kirkmack - May 24, 2011 at 4:48 PM

    What did they expect- with the Packers not in camp, they have nothing else to obsess over to the point of delusion.

  7. hardballbalk - May 24, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    Forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge.
    Bernie Brewer Statue.

    Potato. Poe-tah-do.

    Humans sin. It’s what we do. It’s just a shame that tales of humans have us reaching for the seeds of knowledge, whereas our present state has us hoarding Bernie Brewers statues. Bernie. Brewer. Statues.

    Perhaps that wackjob’s new prediction of an October apocalypse is on point after all.

    (Editor’s Note: I do not think an October apocalypse is coming. That whole thing is ludicrous.)

  8. danberman4 - May 24, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    Greed in baseball? At least the teams and players never show such behavior.

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