May 31, 2011, 8:25 AM EST
What happened over the three day weekend? Apart from you bragging about your “famous burgers,” the secret ingredient for which everyone knows is really just Worcestershire sauce, I mean. How about this stuff:
- Gary Carter’s brain tumors are likely malignant and inoperable. [Expletive Deleted].
- If you say that Ozzie Guillen “went on a tirade” or “lashed out at fans” or something like it on Sunday morning, you obviously weren’t really paying attention to what he actually said.
- Some teams are still messing around with oblique injuries. The Mets have moved on to stress fractures.
- In contrast, the Twins are going more for quantity of injures as opposed to severity.
- And speaking of the Mets, they’re either going to have a new owner in a couple of years or else they will have basically given away a huge chunk of their team.
- Wandy Rodriguez’s elbow ain’t in great shape.
- Jerry Hairston Jr. was disciplined.
- ESPN allowed the blackout rules to be sorta lifted for a Red Sox-Tigers game and the world somehow didn’t end.
- We’re really watching those little collisions, big collisions, near collisions and non-collisions at the pate very closely in this post-Posey world.
- Gordon Beckham got hit in the face with a a relay throw that was not, alas, relayed.
- You can’t stop Corey Patterson, you can only hope to contain him. Actually, no, that’s wrong. You can totally stop Corey Patterson and I presume people will remember that shortly.
- Daniel Bard’s friend was missing. But then he was found. Weird.
- The Orioles shuffled the deck on their pitching staff.
- A Padres-Athletics trade occurred.
- Scott Kazmir is pitching his way out of baseball.
- Wally Bell was a no-show for Sunday’s Mets-Phillies game and, as of the moment I’m typing this, no one has explained why.
- Avril Lavigne has a potty mouth.
- Dodger Stadium caught on fire. Twice. I was making “Frank McCourt must be trying to burn down Dodger Stadium for the insurance money” jokes, but then I was reminded that it’s totally implausible that he could make the premium payments.
- Who has the best ballpark?
- John Danks acts like a clown in accusing Jose Bautista of acting like a clown.
- Ike Davis to get a second opinion. Fine, you’re ugly too.
- This may be the dumbest column written all year.
- Jose Reyes goes on the bereavement list.
- Mike Matheny piles on the Buster Posey/Scott Cousins thing about three days too late. Thanks for playing, Mike.
- Joakim Soria loses is job as the Royals’ closer just weeks after people would have nodded in agreement if you said he was the best active closer this side of Mariano Rivera.
What’s that, smart guy? Your chili recipe is famous too? Dude, we all know it’s cocoa powder. Everyone does that. Jeez, will stop with the pretending to be a foodie thing?
- Robinson Cano agrees to $240 million deal with Mariners (260)
- Yankees agree to seven-year, $153M contract with free agent outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury (160)
- Report: Mariners willing to offer Robinson Cano a 10-year, $240 million deal (143)
- Report: Yankees have agreed to a three-year deal with Carlos Beltran (125)
- Brett Gardner is drawing “significant” trade interest (109)