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Nothin’ like a parade! In Phoenix! In July! At noon!

Jun 30, 2011, 5:00 PM EDT

Parade

People keep asking me if I’m going to Phoenix for the All-Star Game.  I keep telling them no.

A number of reasons, really. For one thing, I’m not really a proper reporter, so I’m not sure what I’d do there except get in everyone’s way while I did that “what the heck am I doing here” Hunter S. Thompson thing that, while always good in theory, tends to just annoy everyone in practice.

Secondly, I was just in Phoenix for spring training, and while that lends itself to reporting too, a ten day boondoggle is a little different because you can grok the zeitgeist a little more than you can with a two-day kind of deal. And it’s easier to indulge the Thompson fantasies when you have more time and space to spread out.

There’s also the fact that I don’t find the All-Star Game particularly interesting, so I wouldn’t exactly be doing much besides grouching about things, and even a cynic like me has to acknowledge that that’s not the highest and best use of a press pass.

But mostly it’s the heat. I hate the heat, and I don’t want to be in 100 degree weather no matter how dry it is.  So forgive me if I watch this — straight from the press release factory at Major League Baseball — on TV:

Fans will have an opportunity to see their favorite 2011 MLB All-Stars up close on the streets of Phoenix and on television nationally on MLB Network as part of the seventh annual MLB All-Star Red Carpet Show presented by Chevrolet.

On Tuesday, July 12, fans are invited to watch the procession of All-Stars to the 82nd Midsummer Classic as they make their way down an approximately 1,750 foot red carpet stretching 1/3 of a mile from the corner of 1stSt. and Jefferson St. down 4th St. and ending at Chase Field.

The event, which begins at 12:00 p.m. local time, is scheduled to feature all the Major League Baseball All-Stars riding in Chevrolet Silverados. Serving as Grand Marshal, MLB All-Star Ambassador and five-time MLB All-Star Luis Gonzalez will lead the parade through the streets.

Nothing like a parade at high noon in Phoenix in July.  I’ll be in my fortified compound sipping cool beverages.

  1. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    I’m with you Craig. Well, not literally or else I’d be asking why you didn’t get me one of those cool beverages. But, I’m with you brah. My Aunt lives in Tucson. I only visit between October and March.

  2. jamie54 - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    …….and where will Tiffany be watching from? Just sayin’.

  3. marshmallowsnake - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    This is hilarious! It is 102 here today…and was 114 the other day. I am betting 3 people go. I will not be there…but I will be at the HR Derby!!!!!

  4. sportsdrenched - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    I’m kind of a nutcase and like the heat. Right now in Wichita it’s 105 w/ a DP of 60. (That’s not a dry heat)

    It makes for good pool weather, and boy do I like me some pool time.

    • yankeesfanlen - Jun 30, 2011 at 8:31 PM

      Are you still on the line? (See if anyone gets this)

  5. nyetjones - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    Forecast says 112 for that day, Craiggers. You’re making the right call. I live five minutes from Chase, and it’s really not worth that much travel.

    • marshmallowsnake - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:37 PM

      At least not on foot!

    • screename529 - Jun 30, 2011 at 6:43 PM

      I wish I had access to those 12 day forecasts.

      • marshmallowsnake - Jul 1, 2011 at 12:14 PM

        You can just throw out a number over 105 here for any day from July-September, and probably be right…

      • nyetjones - Jul 1, 2011 at 3:11 PM

        If you can type “accuweather.com” into a browser, your wish will come true. Smart arse. :)

  6. sportsdrenched - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:28 PM

    But I do agree that parades are pretty lame especially shamelessly corporate sponsored ones.

  7. qcubed3 - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:41 PM

    The sad part is that noon is not the hottest part of the day here in PHX, but it still might be well over 100 degrees by then.

    • marshmallowsnake - Jun 30, 2011 at 5:59 PM

      True…at least they did not schedule it for 5pm…that would be nasty

  8. marshmallowsnake - Jun 30, 2011 at 6:30 PM

    Ugh…Saturday forecast is 117, with overnight low of 91. If I never post on this site again it is because I caught fire…

    • wlschneider09 - Jul 1, 2011 at 9:38 AM

      dammit, guess where I’m flying to on Saturday.

      Save an asbestos vest for me, would ya?

      • marshmallowsnake - Jul 1, 2011 at 12:15 PM

        I am sorry for you…having to come here on that day…for work I hope?

  9. Brian Murphy - Jun 30, 2011 at 7:49 PM

    I went to Phoenix once in July and simply marveled at construction workers in full protective gear laying blacktop on a cloudless day. My eyes began to melt just looking at them.

  10. Old Gator - Jun 30, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I’d like to visit the desiccatorium where Arizonans cure their governor’s complexion to the consistency of saddle leather. Boy, that’s some face; last one I saw like that had been marinated in natron, wrapped in linen strips and cured in a crypt for about 1800 year. Obviously, you have a much more advanced system out there – the hag is still walking around.

  11. Joe - Jul 1, 2011 at 8:47 AM

    At least they’ll all have their own personal Silverado to ride in. I hear they are each going to dump a bucket of gasoline on the ground as they walk up the red carpet.

  12. deathmonkey41 - Jul 1, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    Been to Phoenix several times- once in July- I don’t think human beings are supposed to live that way. It’s fine if you’re a reptile or a scorpion, but not something that walks erect.

    • marshmallowsnake - Jul 1, 2011 at 12:17 PM

      There is nothing fine about scorpions…the bastards are all over my back yard!!!!

      • Old Gator - Jul 1, 2011 at 1:33 PM

        You hear about the bark scorpion that somehow got onboard a Jet Blue flight in Austin the other day and stung one of the passengers in flight?

        Scorpions, fortunately, are easy to deal with. Hang your shoes on a wall rack. Put up black lights around the house and out on the patio. The little bastards glow in the dark in UV. I mean really light up. One drawback: you shine a UV light around an average Arizona backyard at night and it’ll look like the night sky over the mid-Pacific through a high-powered telescope. You never realized how many of them there are. Forget sleeping well for the rest of the week, until you finally accommodate yourself to the idea of being so grossly outnumbered.

      • marshmallowsnake - Jul 1, 2011 at 1:49 PM

        I have a blacklight and a rubber mallet…when we first moved in here last year, I saw about 10 a week…now, I have see 4 since March. I think I am winning…or they are getting better at hiding :).

        I heard about that one on the place. Luckily it was not the AZ Bark Scorpion…that would have hurt a heck of a lot more for that guy.

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