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You asked me questions on Twitter. So I shall answer them.

Aug 25, 2011, 10:30 AM EDT

The Question

Time for the weekly Twitterbag. Which, when I put out the call for questions last night, I did so thusly:

Twitter questions for HBT. This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it. Go!

So, predictably, among my first few “questions” were “One tweet only, Vasily,” and “You might wanna think about cutting the kid some slack.”  God, I love my readers.  Anyway:

Q: Favorite Alec Baldwin role? Fred Thompson role? Sam Neil role?

Baldwin: I have to cop to never watching “30 Rock.” I gather everyone loves that role he plays on that show, but sorry, I’ve missed out. But I don’t think anyone will fault me for going with Blake, the guy who gave the “steak knives” speech in “Glengarry Glen Ross.” What’s my name? F*** YOU, that’s my name!

Fred Thompson: He basically plays the same gruff, no-nonsense authority figure with a heart of gold in everything, right? So you have to go with Admiral Painter from Red October. Although he certainly played an interesting role as minority counsel during the Watergate hearings. His least convincing role was as as presidential candidate.

Sam Neil: Anyone ever see “Until the End of the World?”  Not sure that that’s my favorite Neil role — his part itself isn’t central or that interesting and the movie itself is uneven and flawed — but there’s something dreamy and ethereal about both the movie and Neil’s narration that has turned that flick into one of my weird favorites of all time. Oh, and for very personal reasons, the soundtrack may be one of the most important albums I own.


One thing I love/hate about the Yankees is how one random thing that happens in one random game can take on such significance. So much that 24 hours after it occurred — and after another game has interceded — people are still animated about it. I love it because it shows the passion. I hate it because, to me, one of the best things about baseball is that whole “there’s another game tomorrow so nothing that happens today should matter after we turn the TV off” vibe. Oh well. New York.

Q: Wont you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?

Asks a guy who just took the bar exam and is about ready to embark on a legal career. Hey, why don’t you buy me a Mercedez-Benz? My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.

Q: Can lawyers be happy?

Sure. If they have the disposition that makes that kind of work fulfilling for them. Of course it also makes them sociopaths, so there are tradeoffs. And no, not all happy lawyers are sociopaths. Many of them drink and have extramarital affairs to dull the pain of their daily existence, each of which do bring fleeting happiness of a sad sort. A very small percentage of lawyers are both happy and well-adjusted. And they are hated and ridiculed by society — and are criminally underpaid — because they do things like defend people’s constitutional rights, help the poor and try to make the world a better place.

Q: If the HBT cast were a pro-wrestling stable, what would your name be?

West Texas Rednecks. Yeah, I know that none of us are from Texas, but if the real West Texas Rednecks could pass off the Minnesota-born Curt Hennig as a Texan, we can do the same for Gleeman.

Q: Who wins in a fight; Martha Quinn or Tabitha Soren?

We all win. At least if that fight is videotaped.

Q: Will anyone ever understand the waivers process OUTSIDE of Twitter?

It is rather vexing and confounding, isn’t it?  And really, the details are not that important. Just try to remember that a player being placed on waivers is unimportant, a player being claimed on waivers is slightly more important and that, really, nothing matters unless or until a trade or a failure to revoke waivers happens.  Everything before that is an exercise in us vamping while we wait for something more interesting to happen in a season where there are no good playoff races.

Q: Can Justin Verlanders tears cure cancer? What are your thoughts on rugby?

(1) possibly; and (2) I’m surprised more people who play rugby don’t lose an ear or something.

Q: Hurricane or Earthquake?

If you’re asking what I fear more, it’s an earthquake. You can see hurricanes-a-comin’ and do your best to evacuate or prepare. Thankfully I live in a hurricane and earthquake free zone. We get tornadoes here in the glorious Midwest, and I know they terrify some people and for good reason, but I’m pretty cool with them because I’ve dealt with ’em all my life. I suppose people who live in hurricane and earthquake zones could say much the same thing.

Q: How much beer would Adam Dunn have to drink to get his blood alcohol content higher than his batting average?

Dunn is listed — generously I think, but let’s let him have it — at 285. His batting average as of this morning was .167.  According to this calculator, in order to get his BAC to .167, he’d have to drink fourteen beers — and maybe a sip or two of a fifteenth — in the space of two hours in order to get his BAC that high.  Which seems like an awful lot, actually. Who programmed that calculator? Zelda Fitzgerald?

Q: What is the true identity of the mysterious “Fat Boy” that Ric Flair was always taunting?

For those unaware, “and that goes for you too, Fat Boy” was a common aside used by The Nature Boy during interviews. In a lot of the ways it was a place holder just like “woo!”  When he’d do it, he’d look off to the side and point at someone, presumably some anonymous fan he was mocking in the crowd. You can see examples of it in this video compilation. Although the best part of that video is how, near the beginning, he threatens Ted Turner that he was gonna nail Jane Fonda and there isn’t a hell of a lot Turner can do about it.  Which pretty much tells you all you need to know about why I love Ric Flair.

Q: Where do YOU think C.J. Wilson and Prince Fielder end up next year?

Wilson goes to the Yankees, where I just have a feeling he’ll flop, even if he doesn’t turn into A.J. Part Deux. I think Fielder goes to the Cubs. But then again I thought the Cubs would win the Central, so what in the hell do I know?

Q: Does HBT still work after the Steve Jobs resignation?

Dude, I write this blog on my Commodore 64. In between posts I’m playing “Summer Games” by the Epyx corporation. No man can beat me at Platform Diving. Who in the heck is Steve Jobs?

Q: Does Terrance Mann die at any point during Field of Dreams?

Totally. When he enters the cornfield he is quickly and efficiently butchered by the satanic cult that has set up the whole “if you build it he will come” fraud. It was their design to lure people in there, covering for it with some uplifting father/son/baseball hokum. And you all fell for it. Suckers.

Q: When one gets spit out in Manhattan on a Sunday and is looking for a nice lunch one can’t get in Ohio, one goes?

I tweeted that exact question last Saturday night before I went to New York. The answer: one goes to The Grey Dog Cafe just south of Union Square and gets an awesomely big plate of eggs, sausage, potatoes, French toast and one of the better cups of coffee I’ve had in some time. Yeah, it wasn’t lunch, and yes, I’m guessing I could get or make something like that in Ohio, but on that particular morning in New York, it was bliss.

Q: I’m a Phillies fan I loved the 76ers season more than the Phils season so far due to expectations. Should I give up baseball?

No, but you had better give up hanging around other Phillies fans. Based on the comments in yesterday’s thread, the idea that your fandom can change with your expectations of your team is basically heresy to them.  In other news, when Philly starts losing one day, I can’t wait for these people to continue to obsess over every detail and take every loss as hard as they do now. Because that’s totally sustainable.

Q:  Tony Gwynn missed one All-Star game from 1984-99 (’88). Strawberry, Coleman, Dawson, McGee, Palmeiro, Van Slyke made it. WTF?

Well, he was hitting .246 as late as July 1st, so it wasn’t as though 1988 was a banner Tony Gwynn year.  He managed to turn it around — he went on a tear starting July 2nd and had his average over .300 by July 20th — and ended up leading the league in hitting again, though with a modest-for-him .313 average. By thew way, people forget that beginning in 1988 Gwynn had a stretch in which he hit under .320 in four of five years. In 1993 he shot up above .350 again and continued to hit like a freakin’ machine for the rest of his career. Lost in all of the homer talk is how Gwynn’s numbers spiked just as the steroid guys’ numbers did. Yet people blow off the idea that the ball could have been changed around 1993 or 94 and that it may have had a more dramatic impact than anyone acknowledges. Nope, it’s all juice, juice, juice.

Q: Despite saying he didn’t love the Virgin Mary, why would Private Joker sing Happy Birthday to Jesus later on?

I don’t love the Virgin Mary either, but if Sgt. Hartman was in my face about it for several weeks I’d probably be speaking Latin and leading Mass before too long.

Q: This burning sensation means it’s working, right?

The more it hurts the more it works.

Q: Why didn’t anyone ever write down these Unwritten Rules?

Because this would happen.

Q: I know it’s early for this jazz but Bautista is MVP, yeah?

He is in my book. I try not to read too much into the word “valuable” as a means of making it all about what a guy does for a winning team vs. a losing team or all of that. I think of it as “the best player in the league this year.” Bautista has been the best player in the AL this year by far.

Q: Who would you select for the Braves postseason rotation?

Hudson, Jurrjens, Beachy and a healthy Tommy Hanson. But I don’t suppose I’ll get that, so I’ll have to hold my breath during the Derek Lowe starts.

Q: What are your feelings on Namor?

I am a well-known Aquaman hater. I will admit, though, that I am largely unfamiliar with Namor, the Sub-Mariner.  Someone tell me: is he just as lame as old orange tights?

Q: What is the general feel around Columbus about Ohio State this year? Is everyone ready for them to struggle?

I think so. People I talk to either want them to go 10-2 or something, showing that Luke Fickell knows what he’s doing, or else go in the tank so that the school doesn’t mess around with him for two or three years and instead goes after a top-flight coach. Because it’s Ohio State and because everyone is kind of nuts here, the absolute worst cases scenario is a 7-5 season in which they beat Michigan. It would be underachieving yet it would probably make them give Fickell a contract.

Q: Do you think the National League West is still up for grab-WHY DO YOU HATE THE PHILLIES?

And there’s a microcosm of the HBT comments these past few months. I swear I won’t root against the Phillies unless they play the Braves in the NLCS, but man, I sorta want to see what kind of chaos is unleashed if they lost to the Dbacks or someone in the first round. There’s not enough popcorn in the world to satisfy that comments thread.

Q:  If you were starting a team with one pitcher and one position player from the same team, what pair would you choose?

Tough one. Maybe Verlander and Cabrera?

Q: What was the first movie you saw that your parents didn’t want you to see?

I’m sure there were countless movies on HBO that I watched that they wouldn’t have liked, but the first time I went to the movie theater and saw something other than what I told them I was going to see was “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” which was rated R. Funny thing was, I don’t think there was anything particular scandalous in there. The R-rating, if I recall, was likely for language. Well, there was one scene with Richard Dreyfuss gettin’ it on with his maid — and that could have scarred me for life — but that was it, really. The movie I told them I was going to see and which they approved: “Invasion USA,” which I think was some ultra-violent Chick Norris war porn thing.  Nope, no problem letting the 12-year-old see that. But can’t let them watch Nick Nolte smoke a jay and drop a couple of F-bombs. That would be SCANDALOUS.

Q: Which player in baseball would be best served by having a moth invade his ear, Matt Holliday style?

Nick Essasky, circa 1990. I always wondered what would have happened had he not gotten the old vertigo.

Q: Am I the only person in America who hates the dead-CF, over-the-P-head broadcast camera?

No, apparently a lot of people hate it because a bunch of teams have abandoned it.  I love it, personally. Wish every broadcast used it. It’s just crazy satisfying.

Q: When can we have a tag team match between you and a partner of your choice vs two Phillies fans on PPV? Who’s your partner?

The agents and lawyers are still trying to make it happen, so we’ll see. My partner is Flair, of course. And I don’t even care that he’s, like, 70, and that all of his signature moves (the chop, that weird corner flip thing, his figure four leg lock) are all quite silly and ineffective-looking even when one suspends one’s disbelief for pro wrestling purposes.  He’s got style and that’s all we really need.

Q: Thoughts on law school grads suing schools for false advertising regarding job prospects?

Law schools do do this, of course, with the brochures saying “90% of grads have jobs within six months of graduation” or some such. They don’t mention that the jobs are delivering pizzas or making soy lattes or whatever.  Law schools have become rackets, basically, pumping thousands of grads into a workforce that has no place for them like it used to.  Still, if you’re looking at law school as some job-guarantee and aren’t looking at the by now very easy to find real numbers about how tough a go it is to become a lawyer and how bad your prospects are, it’s kind of your fault.  A good rule in life is never take the word of someone who is desperately trying to get you to give them $100,000.

On the third hand, I do like the fact that these law schools are being attacked by their own creations. There’s a “Blade Runner” element to all of this. I think of each new law grad who sues their law school as Roy Batty breaking into Tyrell’s apartment. We reap what we sow, ya know?

That’s all I got, folks. Let’s do it again next Wednesday night.

  1. Chris Fiorentino - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:39 AM

    “I sorta want to see what kind of chaos is unleashed if they lost to the Dbacks or someone in the first round. ”

    Keep dreaming. If you had written “lost to the Giants” then maybe, that fantasy would have a chance of coming true. Dbacks don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of beating the Phillies in the NLDS.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:50 AM

      I’m going to bronze these words…because:

      1. Crazier shit has happened
      2. 5-game series beg for crazy upsets b/c of small sample size…blah blah blah
      3. All of the Phillies starters are going to blow their rotators simultaneously on Sept 15th (my Bday of course).

      • cur68 - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:23 AM

        4. Jonny Mac is now a D-Back and he will OWN short stop. You don’t have Willie Bloomquist to kick around over there anymore. Your move Phanatic.

  2. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:47 AM

    “Hudson, Jurrjens, Beachy and a healthy Tommy Hanson. But I don’t suppose I’ll get that, so I’ll have to hold my breath during the Derek Lowe starts.” I couldn’t say it better myself. Do you think there is even a half chance that they don’t name Lowe a playoff starter? Wouldn’t they do so just b/c he’s the ‘ace’? If Hanson is healthy and Beachy maintains to pitch at a fairly high level, I totally prefer Lowe to move aside, but I don’t see it happening.

    • Chris Fiorentino - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:49 AM

      I don’t see them leaving Lowe out. He did pitch well in the playoffs last year…it wasn’t his fault the Braves forgot to put a second baseman on the playoff roster.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:51 AM

        I’m not concerned with his performance last year. This year, he’s a five starter for them.

      • Chris Fiorentino - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:57 AM

        Provided the Braves put Uggla on the playoff roster, they will cruise past the Brew Crew and make it to the NLCS. I have no doubt about it.

        Now if the Giants beat out the DBacks for the NL West crown……doubts about whether the Phillies will in the NLCS will definitely creep into my mind. Facing Cain and Timmay 4 times in a 5 game series is enough to give me AGITA.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:34 AM

        The playoffs are going to fun. Looking forward to it, albeit with bittersweet thoughts. Sweet for obvious reasons, bitter b/c baseball inevitably ends after the playoffs.

  3. halladaysbiceps - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:48 AM

    “Q: I’m a Phillies fan I loved the 76ers season more than the Phils season so far due to expectations. Should I give up baseball?”

    Whoever submitted this tweet is a loser. He says he a Phillies fan but enjoyed the 76ers season more than this years Phillies? He’s either smoking dope or is not really a Phillies fan at all, just some punk trying to stir trouble.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:52 AM

      Stop knocking dope smokers…and who calls it dope other than old people and cops? Weed smokers are the best fans there is, that’s why the Giants beat the Phillies last year. It had nothing to do with pitching whatsoever…

      • halladaysbiceps - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:02 AM

        LOL!!! What do you prefer to call dope? Whacky weed, pot, cannibus, etc.?

        Giants beat the Phillies last year because the Phillies couldn’t hit. So, I’d say it was all about the Giants’ pitching.

      • kopy - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:10 AM

        Truth be told, we the younger generation refer to heroine as dope, for whatever reason. And the term “weed” will suffice.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:14 AM

        Oskey Woskey, Schmaaaaaaht, endochrondesia, and gunsmoke are all good alternatives. But yes, weed will suffice.

    • sedley - Aug 25, 2011 at 12:50 PM

      Loser, punk, dope smoker, or lifelong phillies fan and season ticket holder since 2007. It’s pretty simple. If they don’t win the world series, it’s a dissapointment. The Sixers, every game mattered. This Phils season, no games really matter till the playoffs.

      • halladaysbiceps - Aug 26, 2011 at 5:47 AM

        You are not a real baseball fan. To say the regular season doesn’t matter except the playoffs just goes to show you are a bandwagon guy all the way. It’s about the journey. You are a typical non-baseball fan that doesn’t care about the 162 game schedule. You want immediate results.

        Do yourself a favor and stick with the Sixers and watch them bounced from the 1st round of the playoffs again, ingrate.

  4. kopy - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    He is in my book. I try not to read too much into the word “valuable” as a means of making it all about what a guy does for a winning team vs. a losing team or all of that. I think of it as “the best player in the league this year.”

    This. The MVP should go to the player who you would pick first, if you could go back in time to the beginning of the season and choose any player to be on your team for that whole year. Whether it’s an incredibly dominant pitcher, a good everyday player, or a great player who missed some time, etc. I hate the argument that a player isn’t as valuable to his team because his teammates are great too, or that a player is extra valuable because his teammates suck “and where would they be without him?!!”

    • Chris Fiorentino - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:58 AM

      I agree…Verlander is the MVP no doubt about it. But Bautista will win because the writers won’t vote for a starting pitcher.

      • kopy - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:02 AM

        It’s tough to give it to a starting pitcher. The inherit disadvantage of playing once every 5 games is huge, but if there is one that is incredibly lights out and no worthy position players it would be the fair thing to do.

      • scatterbrian - Aug 25, 2011 at 2:08 PM

        One way I’ve looked at it is like this: Verlander has faced 803 batters this season, while Bautista has accumulated 513 plate appearances. So starting pitchers only going every five games isn’t as much of a disparity as it sounds. The problem is that while starting pitchers have more of an impact on the games they start, they can only impact about 20% of their teams games.

        Pitchers already have an award that hitters cannot win…

  5. The Common Man - Aug 25, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    The correct answer for the Sam Neill question is Damien in The Omen III.

    The correct answer for the Namor question is that Namor has dainty wings on his ankles to help him fly, and his main superpower is petulance.

  6. Glenn - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    That was the best Zelda Fitzgerald joke that I have heard all day!

    • Lukehart80 - Aug 25, 2011 at 12:27 PM

      What better one did you hear yesterday?

  7. aceshigh11 - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    Baldwin’s abusive tirade from Glengarry Glen Ross is one of my favorite film scenes of all-time.

    I think he should go around giving variations of that speech to losing pro-sports teams for a nominal fee.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:15 AM

      Coffee is for closers.

    • Lukehart80 - Aug 25, 2011 at 12:31 PM

      Did anyone ever see the SNL sketch with Baldwin doing that scene with a bunch of elves at Santa’s workshop?

  8. sdelmonte - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Namor is similar to Aquaman, only he spends a lot of his time hating on the surface world; and has a Spock-like sex appeal (black hair and pointed ears and eyebrows that predate Star Trek) that has long made him “the other man” in Sue Richards’ life.

    But I’ve always found him dull when he’s on his own. He works much better as a foil to other characters.

  9. Max Power - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:05 AM

    According to the calculator if a 200 pound male drinks 4,919.5 beers in 1 hour his blood will be 100% alcohol.

    It cautions you not to drive at this blood-alcohol level.

    There’s no option to factor in that I just ate a big spaghetti dinner.

    • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:16 AM

      It’s that last half beer that puts you over the edge. Before that you’re just buzzin’ and can drive fine.

  10. yankeesfanlen - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross epitomizes what it means to be a Yankees fan.

  11. tacklemeelmo - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:20 AM

    “Q: How much beer would Adam Dunn have to drink to get his blood alcohol content higher than his batting average?”

    When Shin Soo Choo got his DUI I believe his BAC was higher than 9 of the starters batting averages in the next days Twins vs. White Sox game.

    Granted this was months ago and I’ve been doing an excellent job in raising my own BAC so take this with a grain of salt. Or better yet a shot of whiskey.

    • Utley's Hair - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:48 AM

      “Granted this was months ago and I’ve been doing an excellent job in raising my own BAC so take this with a grain of salt. Or better yet a shot of whiskey.” Posted at 1120am.

      I just wanted to isolate that one. Carry on.

  12. FC - Aug 25, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    At this point, all of those “WHY DO YOU HATE THE PHILLIES” tweeter questions and what not are just fans baiting Craig! This one was particularly obvious and funny! 😀

  13. thejjharris - Aug 25, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    Martha Quinn is older than the president.

    /gouges eyes out with mechanical pencil

    • Utley's Hair - Aug 25, 2011 at 2:10 PM

      Oh, please. Using a mechanical pencil only displays your ambivalence. You need to use a real one if you want to make a point.

  14. aaronmoreno - Aug 25, 2011 at 1:50 PM

    Craig, when I came out of law school in 2009, of course there were no jobs. Know what my school did? They pushed hard for us to come back and get an LLM. Because we really needed another 50K in debt.

    I never did get hired. I work solo now, taking a few of my own cases, and acting as a hired goon for other firms. Just like the law schools, they like to tease you too. “Work real hard, and MAYBE we’ll just hire you on!”

  15. bennoj - Aug 25, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    re Scatterbrain: “Pitchers already have an award that hitters cannot win…”

    Believe it or not, hitters also have an annual award that pitchers cannot win, it’s called the Hank Aaron Award and gets next to zero publicity. So there’s really utterly no reason to not vote a pitcher MVP if you think he deserves it.

  16. Angelos - Aug 25, 2011 at 3:39 PM

    “he’d have to drink fourteen beers — and maybe a sip or two of a fifteenth — in the space of two hours in order to get his BAC that high. Which seems like an awful lot, actually”

    My fraternity used to do the Century Club challenge. One 2-ounce serving of beer per minute for 100 minutes. Which works out to 16-2/3 beers in 1 hour and 40 minutes.

    Four or five people always made it through just fine. And then we went out and started drinking.

    You had to, to survive Rensselaer.

  17. meyerwolf - Aug 26, 2011 at 3:28 AM

    “Many of them drink and have extramarital affairs to dull the pain of their daily existence, each of which do bring fleeting happiness of a sad sort.”

    Unfortunately, this is so true. I say this as I’m typing a deposition…

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