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Great Moments in Fan Fiction

Sep 13, 2011, 12:40 PM EDT

Misery

Those of you who hang out in the comments are aware of poster FC and his recent foray into fan fiction. Basically, he imagines me in an underground lair, wearing a Braves bathrobe, smoking a bubble pipe, sitting before large TV monitors and basically treating baseball like a Bond villain treats the world. He has Tiffany as my henchwoman.  Gleeman, Drew and the others make occasional appearances too.

Nope, that’s not creepy at all!

Anyway, FC is Francisco Colmenares, and he created his own blog for the “Craig’s Lair” series.  While he’d probably do much better in life devoting what appear to be fantastic writing skills to a person less pathetic than me, I can’t say I don’t enjoy these things.  At least as long as it doesn’t cross the line from fan fiction to slash fiction. Which, if you don’t know what that is already, you probably don’t need to know.

Nice work, FC!  Just kidding with the “Misery” pic!  Hope you don’t wake up one day soon and realize how boring I actually am! Hope I don’t wake up one day with my ankles hobbled in your remote rural home!

  1. Kevin S. - Sep 13, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    Craig, I can’t believe you brought up slash fiction without linking to Emma Span’s inaugural BP column. Poor form.

  2. halladaysbiceps - Sep 13, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    Wow. And I thought I was nuts.

    • nolanwiffle - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:08 PM

      ……so does Roy Halladay.

      • halladaysbiceps - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:12 PM

        The Holy One can’t think I’m nuts because I’m his bicepts. He would be making fun of himself.

    • indaburg - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:13 PM

      Well, you are. :) You’re just not as imaginative a writer as FC.

      • halladaysbiceps - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:16 PM

        Correct. I don’t have an imagination. Never had one. That’s FC’s and Old Gator’s territory.

  3. CJ - Sep 13, 2011 at 12:56 PM

    Craig, you can call it any kind of “fiction” all you want, but we all know the truth.

  4. Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Sep 13, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    Can we have a “The Lair is wondering where the F@CK his pie went?” post?

    • halladaysbiceps - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:05 PM

      The pie in Craig’s lair = Tiffany. Correct?

      • cur68 - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:26 PM

        Nope. She’s cake. Of the Angel Food variety.

      • yankeesfanlen - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:28 PM

        cur- we’re on to gin vs. vodka now. Check out ATH.

      • cur68 - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:33 PM

        What!!?? Why was I not informed sooner! I’m on it. Thanks Len.

      • Mr. Jason "El Bravo" Heyward - Sep 13, 2011 at 2:03 PM

        Vodka of course. No question. Gin is good for only a handful of things, vodka is good for everything.

        Now back to pie…

      • cur68 - Sep 13, 2011 at 2:37 PM

        The socialist vodka ‘good’ for everything? Well, good for cleaning spoons, yes. Other than that it’s chief use is a base for making the finest gin in the known world; Bombay Sapphire.

        You are correct of course; gin has few uses. They involve ice, a crystal low ball, lime, tonic, hot days on a wide porch, old dog snoozing at your feet, a pretty and winsome lass transcribing your every thought onto a lap top, then engaging you in furious debate over your quixotic use if the term “Nigella Lawson” in your thesis. She is correct of course, but you do these things because the gin tells you to and she’s so pretty when she’s mad at you. She’ll forgive you of course. You’ll have to make her a gin martini and comment on her grasp of the term “hubris” and “fat lip, buddy” but it’ll be worth yes. Oh boy, will it be worth it. Meanwhile the silverware will be getting nice and clean in their bath of vodka.

      • Jonny 5 - Sep 13, 2011 at 3:51 PM

        I really wish people would not view my future wife as an object Biceps. Take it back!!! She is a wonderfully talented woman and should be addressed as such.

        Now, let’s get something straight right now. Pie rules. Beer rules. Vodka and Gin are good for 2 things. Getting you drunk quicker than beer, and disinfecting things, like wounds, surgical tools, and floors and whatnot. They don’t seem to have been invented to consume to me. It’s as if they invented a cleaner that also can get people drunk, so “eff it I’ll drink it” people say. Well not me! No sir! Unless of course my arm is twisted than line me up a shot. But I won’t like it.

  5. Francisco (FC) - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:04 PM

    Great Misery Pic!!! Thanks for the kudos Craig! I have no idea if these short bursts of text can translate into greater pieces of yarn. I’ve been asked before whether I wrote creative fiction in my spare time and I was like creat-wha? Glad you like the work.

    Now don’t worry about the slash fiction, those posts are private, and you won’t wake up hobbled in my remote rural home, because 1) I don’t have one yet (already have one mortgage, can’t afford another) and 2) I learned my lesson last time, so no need for a restraining order.

    Now if we could only get Old Gator to put up a blog with his Macondo ramblings we’d be set!

    • cur68 - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:27 PM

      Thanks for clearing up how he came by the Phantic rug, BTW. I missed that one.

      • kopy - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:35 PM

        I have been gravely misrepresented as cur68 in that post, however.

        http://fchardballtalk.mlblogs.com/2011/09/12/hello-world/

        http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/09/01/ruh-roh-jair-jurrjens-is-turning-into-a-problem/

        I know many East Coast-ers think Minnesota is Canada, but my Twins are far more ineffective.

      • Francisco (FC) - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:45 PM

        Stupid me! cur mentioned the phanatic rug in a follow up post and I assumed it was him! Sorry kopy will fix!

      • kopy - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:46 PM

        It’s all good. We can negotiate royalties after the TV series.

      • cur68 - Sep 13, 2011 at 2:28 PM

        Kopy is correct, of course. I wanted to make sure the extended narrative of The One Rug was fleshed out. Too good a plot device to lose. Now, the image of athletic-sock clad Calcaterran feet scrunching in the Phur as bubbles launch furiously from the pipe can be used for deep thought.

  6. indaburg - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    I think FC’s stories about Craig are awesome. A pic of Craig + bubble pipe = priceless.

    • Francisco (FC) - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:12 PM

      Maybe he’ll surprise us next HBT Daily :D

  7. ThatGuy - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:23 PM

    Always thought craig was more of a Cigar type…

    • yankeesfanlen - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:27 PM

      That would jack it up to an “R” rating and the NBC weasels would be all over him.

      • ThatGuy - Sep 13, 2011 at 1:30 PM

        Bubblegum Cigar?

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