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Ozzie Guillen said some Ozzie Guillen-type things in Esquire

Sep 21, 2011, 3:15 PM EDT

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Esquire magazine has a regular feature called “What I’ve Learned” in which they ask people for words of wisdom and their latest subject is White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who predictably provided plenty of amusing quotes.

For instance, about his wife:

What attracted me to my wife is she’s hot. She’s also nice, she’s a great mom — but that comes after she’s hot.

I tell my kids all the time: When you’re about to do something stupid, think about your mom. Why? Because she’s the one that’s gonna suffer inside.

Or about ESPN Chicago beat reporter Doug Padilla:

We had this media guy, Padilla. He was eating a cheeseburger during the game. I saw him while I was managing. I grabbed the phone, called the PR department, and said, “Doug, you’re gonna choke on that f***ing cheeseburger.” Then I hung up. People wonder, How the f*** did you see him? But I see everything.

And my personal favorite:

A lot of people think I dye my hair. No, I don’t give a f***.

He’s the best.

  1. kopy - Sep 21, 2011 at 3:23 PM

    I think Ozzie may have outdone himself. All three of these are just awesome.

  2. jimbo1949 - Sep 21, 2011 at 3:24 PM

    C’mon Gator, the guy’s a laugh riot.

    • Old Gator - Sep 21, 2011 at 9:24 PM

      All morons are laugh riots, until they’ve spent two terms in the White House.

  3. shaggylocks - Sep 21, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    Wow. This explains so much. The other night I was going over my family’s finances and I started thinking about whether or not we’d be able to pay the money back in time if I transferred some funds from my daughter’s college account into our checking account. The phone rang, and a voice that I couldn’t immediately place yet sounded familiar said, “Shaggy, you gonna go to hell if you take your daughter’s college money,” and then abruptly hung up.

    • shaggylocks - Sep 21, 2011 at 3:34 PM

      I mean, how the f*** did he see me?

      • kopy - Sep 21, 2011 at 3:56 PM

        I was gonna post a graphic and crude insult at your expense for making such stupid posts, but then my phone rang, and some guy on the other end of the line said “Kopy don’t be an a**hole!” and hung up right away.

  4. xmatt0926x - Sep 21, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    I generally think Ozzie Guillen gets way too much attention and is overrated, but I love his wife comment. He’s right on. The “great person” stuff and all that kind of thing may eventually be valued but it was the looks that were the only real attraction at first for most guys. Let’s be real.

    • trevorb06 - Sep 21, 2011 at 5:29 PM

      Sadly this is true for most men; she has to look good before a man is willing to find out if she is great or not. But there is the exception; for people like HB it all matters on which hand goes numb first. :-) Yet hundreds of worthless, stupid comments are still left on here. That’s multi-tasking.

    • tacklemeelmo - Sep 22, 2011 at 12:09 PM

      Maybe its just society.

  5. bigharold - Sep 21, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    I always found Guillen amusing but never very bright. Just a guy that had little to no filter between his brain and his mouth, .. which isn’t always a good thing. But some of these insights have raised his stock in my mind. For instance;

    “In the eighties and nineties, people made a lot of money and built houses. The first thing they put in their houses was a gym. In my house, the first thing I built was a bar. The second thing I built was another bar.”

    My kind of guy.

    “A lot of people think I dye my hair. No, I don’t give a fuck. I just worry that my kids live as long as they can. I hope I die before they do. I want to show my friends that they are my friends. I want my wife to know I think she’s hot. I want my team to win games. That’s all.”

    On the money, succinct and comprehensive.

    “You can’t buy a kid a life. They’ve got to earn it themselves.”

    Forget the writers in the press section, I need this guy to call my wife.

  6. tashkalucy - Sep 21, 2011 at 5:36 PM

    Ozzie continues to display why he should be hired by TNT as a studio host before their MLB games, as they use Charles Barkley with the NBA,

    However, as a baseball manager……….

  7. adenzeno - Sep 21, 2011 at 8:37 PM

    I was hoping the MEts would sign him instead of T Collins(not that TC has done a bad job), can you imagine the copy from that!!

  8. Old Gator - Sep 21, 2011 at 9:27 PM

    What does “saying some Ozzie Guillen type things” mean – that he sounded like he lived in a trailer park and spat all over the interviewer while mouthing his idiocies?

  9. natstowngreg - Sep 21, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    After much thought and contemplation (actually, about 10 seconds), I have come to the conclusion that Ozzie Guillen is the Casey Stengel of the 21st Century. Without all that great talent to manage in New York.

    • Old Gator - Sep 21, 2011 at 10:52 PM

      I don’t know – I think he’s more like the AFLAC duck in the Yogi Berra barbershop commercial.

      • natstowngreg - Sep 22, 2011 at 12:27 AM

        OK, but I was thinking about Casey’s difficulties expressing himself in the English language, plus the modern reliance on (and tolerance of) profanity, with a Spanish accent. Sort of post-modern.

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