Comments on: Ozzie Guillen has reached out to Big Z about joining Marlins

By: Old Gator

Old Gator — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 22:50:21 +0000

I could hold a Roc on my gauntlet if I had too. Admittedly, though, hooding and unhooding the sonofabitch would be a bit of a challenge…

By: Jonny 5

Jonny 5 — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 21:22:40 +0000

Ahhh, I think I get it. The Feesh tanks made from bullet proof glass make sense now…. Loria ,Ozzie, and big Z can duck behind them. I don’t know Gator, even a Falconer built like Conan the Right wing example of worthlessness couldn’t hold a Haast Eagle on his forearm. You’d need to eat some horsemeat and Velveeta for a month to swing it I think. If you lived through it. Ever see DOOM? It’s kinda like that.

By: Old Gator

Old Gator — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 20:38:03 +0000

There haven’t been many “toasts” of Macondo spawrts tawrk raydeeo in beisbol for the last few days; futbol and the basketball strike (thanks to Dwayne Wade’s meltdown at the negotiations) has pretty much seized the attention of the locals. We’re in an interregnum until we approach the unveiling (same word we use for a new gravestone, oddly enough) of the new Macondo Feesh logo in November.

But sorry, I think bringing a headcase like Zambrano down here would be yet another disaster – maybe not the magnitude of the one we’ve engendered by bringing down Slobbering Ozzie himself, but put the two together and maybe you’ve got something like the gas fire that swept San Franceesco right after the earthquake. Given how neurotic the Feesh brainstem trust is about aberrant behavior (their terms for deblanderizing in public) under ordinary circumstances – see Girardi, Joe; Morrison, Logan; Wes, Kindly Uncle; Valentine, Bobby – it’s hard to imagine that they’d put up with Zambrano at all. Consider also the bind they’d be putting themselves in by importing that walking HeLa cell into the team and then having to fight with Ozzie to get rid of him once he implodes, as he surely will.

We have all the makings of a classic Macondo brouhaha (Brouhaha? Hahahahah.) to rival Elian Gonzalez, Joe Carollo versus Xavier Suarez, Smirking Bert Hernandez going to prison while his lawyer was boning his wife, the string of arenas and stadiums already obsolete when built, Miriam Alonso’s campaign fund, the radioactive pellet in the Metrorail support, or, eh, the Chihuahua’s financial report on the Feesh to the stadium committee….you name it.

Yes, Zambrano belongs here – just like pythons, fire ants, giant snails and northern snakeheads.

By: Old Gator

Old Gator — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 20:03:15 +0000

I used to be a pretty good falconer, but I’ve only ever owned a .38 Zodiac Bulldog that I bought after Apocalypse Andrew to protect our house from looters (though having a dog the size of a dire wolf kinda made it unnecessary). If the ancestors of the Maori hadn’t wiped out the Haast’s eagles, I’d train one to pick off both Slobbering Ozzie and his would-be pet psychotic.

Of course, I realize that if the bird got ambitious and took a bite out of that greaseball clown who now wears the captain’s hat before my dog figured out where it came down with him and I reached the big raptor with its reward of Kobe beef, I might lose it to something akin to ptomaine poisoning. But hey, they tell me that a daisy cutter costs a couple of million – only a little less than the money Scrooge McLoria is wasting on this fool every season – just to drop on some Pakistani taliban. So I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

By: Old Gator

Old Gator — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:44:27 +0000

Well, if you have so many reasons not to watch MLB, what are you doing here – or is merely blogging about it actually preferable to watching the games? I bet you’re one of them Ribbit poststructuralist types who smokes a cigar that’s bigger than your you-know-what and thinks that there’s no-outside-the-text.

By: Jonny 5

Jonny 5 — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:42:54 +0000

Ohh, I can see it now…. Ozzie and LoMo competing for the most tweets, Zambrano busting stuff up, and Hanley…..Oh my. Gator is probably trying to purchase a high powered rifle with a scope as I type this. Loria better keep his blinds closed if he picks up this meat head.

By: 1historian

1historian — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:36:35 +0000

How long will it be before one of these clowns starts crying about how people don’t like him because he’s venezuelan?

another reason to not watch mlb

By: presidentmiraflores

presidentmiraflores — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 18:24:08 +0000

“the fiery, authoritarian type of manager that Zambrano has needed to keep his ass in check all these years”

I guess Sweet Lou was too much of a softy to keep the big guy in line.

By: brianbowman16

brianbowman16 — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 17:18:27 +0000

I’m pretty sure the cubbies could give a sh*t as long as they get that hot headed toddler as far away from wrigley as humanly possible

By: pisano

pisano — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:41:08 +0000

Now that would be a match made in hell, those two idiots on the same team would be a nightmare for the rest of the players. Talk about mixing water and oil, there it is. In the end Zambrano would probably make Ozzie his bitch.

By: Jeremiah Graves

Jeremiah Graves — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:35:08 +0000

I wondered about that myself. Maybe THAT could be the punishment for tampering, they have to take Big Z and his entire bloated salary.

By: Gordon

Gordon — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:31:47 +0000

Aren’t there tampering rules in baseball? I would think the Cubs could demand the Marlins compensate them for contacting a player currently under contract (even if they would be happy to give him to the Marlins).

By: Jeremiah Graves

Jeremiah Graves — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:31:03 +0000

…or imagine that Ozzie is exactly the fiery, authoritarian type of manager that Zambrano has needed to keep his ass in check all these years and he hits his stride down in Florida.

Then the Marlins have a rotation with Johnson, Sanchez, Zambrano, Nolasco, Volstad and maybe even Vazquez if they can talk him into another go’round. That could be a pretty solid rotation. If the offense can rebound (see: Ramirez, Hanley) and they add a legit third baseman (Aramis Ramirez is the toast of Miami sports radio from what I’ve heard?!) they could be ready to man up with the big boys.

By: cur68

cur68 — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:08:20 +0000

There is an upside. Imagine Ozzie and Big Z coming to blows in the dugout. Ozzie can’t keep his mouth shut and Zamboni can’t keep his temper.

“YOU SUCK!!” in a heavy Venezuelan accent…

*POW* right in the kisser…