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Instant classic: the Red Sox had “nutritional issues”

Oct 7, 2011, 9:15 AM EDT

Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Josh Beckett reacts after striking out Tampa Bay Rays John Jaso to end the top of sixth inning of their MLB American League baseball game at Fenway Park in Boston

Red Sox owner John Henry gave a press conference this morning summing up the team’s problems down the stretch, talking about Terry Francona’s departure and all of that stuff.  We’ll have more on that later this morning, but for now I am preoccupied with one particular thing he said.

When asked about the team’s conditioning — an issue many noted as the Red Sox collapsed — Henry said that all training, throwing, running and cardio work was done as it was supposed to have been done.  He said, however, that there were “nutritional issues” that concerned him.

If you’re at all familiar with my work, you have already realized that “nutritional issues” will now be beaten into the ground by me until the End Times.  It’ll be like the flip side to “Best Shape of His Life” stuff.  I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to have a new arrow in the cliche quiver.

Still, I’m puzzled.  How on earth — given what we know about how the Sox spent their time in the clubhouse — could they have “nutritional issues?”  It almost makes me think that they were drinking the wrong kind of beer.

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  1. drmonkeyarmy - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:18 AM

    I think this is a polite way to say that Beckett and Lackey turned into fat asses by the end of the season.

    • aceshigh11 - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:30 AM

      Nutritional issues?? Tell that B.S. to the tourists, Henry.

      I think this Guinness poster is more appropriate:

      http://www.galwayartworks.com/i/full/watermark.php?path=gu2.jpg

      Perhaps Lackey misunderstood the meaning of it and thought he was supposed to be the Clydesdale in this scenario.

      • Old Gator - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:54 AM

        Given what the rest of Irish food is like, they should be thanking Buddha for Guinness. Salmon packed with nitrates. Sheep guts. More sheep guts. Sheep guts in gummy pastry shells. Potatoes mixed with cabbage and bacon fat. Now that looks good on the side of any plate. Black pudding, the consistency of cookie dough with embedded pearls of half-cooked tapioca. Inedible beef (and yes, I have eaten Irish beef – I’ve just never tasted it).

        And Guinness. Whew.

        Anyway, you don’t know how good Guinness is until you’ve quaffed it right from the spring.

      • bigleagues - Oct 7, 2011 at 12:00 PM

        Let’s just get something very clear right now:

        Beckett is an English name and Lackey is a Scottish name. We don’t need those two miscreants sullying up Ireland’s world class drinking reputation.

        Americans of English descent tend to drink a lot of Newcastle for some reason – as if their desperately trying to show American Irish they have a cool beer to (they don’t). One thing I know for sure is that Newcastle is loaded with sugar. My bet is that Beckett drinks a lot of Lone Star with his buddy Lackey – but when he wants to look cool its Newcastle. Anyway Beckett is fat because of his diet and beer drinking.

        Lackey seems much more the Scotch-n-Soda type. American Scottish tend to skip beer altogether so its a bit of a shocker that Lackey drinks beer with Beckett at all. Unlike the our English counterparts, I have respect for Scottish drinkers. The Celts and the Scots are proud warrior tribes that have endured English subjugation. Anyway, I sense that beer really has no tangible effect on Lackey. He likely drank to be social and to have a friend in the clubhouse. Lackey’s fat because in the immortal words of King George: he’s a fat pussy toad.

  2. crispybasil - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    “Throw a cookie, eat a cookie. Throw a cookie, eat a cookie.” – John Lackey

    • Old Gator - Oct 7, 2011 at 12:07 PM

      “Have a cookie, my dear….”

      -Grandpa Prizzi

  3. frankvzappa - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    this isn’t surprising…red sox are always leaving games with “intestinal discomfort”…only fast food and crappy quality food in general can lead to the runs (not the good baseball kind) that often…they should take a page out of Prince Fielder’s book, a few more vegetables they eat, a little better they play…

    • paperlions - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:42 AM

      Bad clams = bad chowda

    • Ace - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:51 AM

      Actually, I believe the phrase they’ve always used is “intestinal turmoil” (which is a classic in its own right).

      • frankvzappa - Oct 7, 2011 at 10:02 AM

        yeah, that’s what i meant…

    • Old Gator - Oct 7, 2011 at 10:03 AM

      That’s nothing to what Feelies fans leave the stadium with. Indigestion can follow every game, but clogged arteries from horrible horsemeat and Velveeta™ sandwiches usually announce themselves just once.

    • bigleagues - Oct 7, 2011 at 1:13 PM

      Fenway Home Clubhouse: where every night is ‘Wet T-Shirt Night’

      • frankvzappa - Oct 7, 2011 at 11:27 PM

        a million thumbs up if could give them…one of my fave tunes

  4. PanchoHerreraFanClub - Oct 7, 2011 at 9:47 AM

    Beer is very healthy, it is full of vitamins and other good stuff. Why else would they sell the stuff at the ball park? Why else would the fans pay 10+ bucks for a single bottle.

  5. Bill - Oct 7, 2011 at 10:04 AM

    Maybe it’s just nutritional issues.

  6. jj - Oct 7, 2011 at 10:22 AM

    It all comes down to their precious bodily fluids.

  7. wrg885 - Oct 7, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Samuel Adams, always a good decision.

  8. nomoreseasontix - Oct 7, 2011 at 11:26 AM

    Hard to go wrong with canned pork chops, right?

  9. poprox13 - Oct 7, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    Man booobz!

  10. bobwsc - Oct 7, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    this team keeps getting more and more embarrassing, and Henry puts the ‘ass’ in embarrassment.

  11. Loose Changeup - Oct 7, 2011 at 3:24 PM

    So does this mean Bartolo Colon did not have nutritional issues this year?

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