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“The sausages don’t talk. It’s one of the basic rules of racing meat.”

Oct 11, 2011, 9:15 AM EDT

Sausage races

We all know and love the sausage races at Miller Park, but I’m guessing there are a lot of New York Times readers who have made quite the point of structuring their lives in such a way as to have the races’ existence and nuances elude them for the past 20 years or so.  So today the Times blows the lid off the races, their history and their place in the Wisconsin cultural pantheon.

Rather that find some key passage that sums up the article, I’ll just offer up two out-of-context quotes because they’re funny:

Milwaukee officials would not permit Sunday’s participants to be interviewed, citing a sort of sausage silence. “The sausages don’t talk,” said Tyler Barnes, the team’s vice president for communications. “It’s one of the basic rules of racing meat.”

and

But Fielder, even after seven seasons of watching wieners jog past his dugout, still does not get the appeal.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  1. phukyouk - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:19 AM

    My money is o J5 for the first off color comment. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND BEGIN!

    • kopy - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:29 AM

      Sausages may not talk, but they still have minds of their own?

    • El Bravo - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:56 AM

      has anyone checked on J5 or UH? someone call the local Philly hospitals and asylums and ask for a pair of depressed fans who recently checked in; one who loves pie, the other cake.

      • kiwicricket - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:49 AM

        Good point.

      • Jonny 5 - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:33 PM

        I have survived my friend. It just seems a big coincidence that my work load has increased significantly lately. It seems our Navy is not cutting back at all. Which equals me working harder. I still read, just have less time to comment.

    • Jonny 5 - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:30 PM

      I’m glad sausages can’t talk actually. Mine would be able to write a book, heck, an entire series. I can see it now………

      ” As a young sausage, I had it rough, really rough. My owner beat me every morning and every night. Beat the snot out of me regularly he did…..

      Bad news for me though, I may have never been married if they could talk, let’s just leave it at that.

      • El Bravo - Oct 11, 2011 at 4:37 PM

        No, please continue. I’m hooked on sausage-fiction…we’re talking fiction right?

  2. chadh88 - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    The only thing that makes a sausage race entertaining is Randall Simon.

    • kiwicricket - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:54 AM

      Now, for someone who didn’t know ‘Randall Simon’ was a baseball player up until 5 minutes ago….your comment was actually quite amusing…

      • El Bravo - Oct 11, 2011 at 4:38 PM

        Oh that is some classic stuff. Simon totally beat that meat.

  3. skipperxc - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    Okay, yes, the Sausage Race is kind of stupid, but it’s *our* stupid race, dammit!

  4. tmohr - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    The first rule of the Sausage Race is “Don’t talk about the Sausage Race!”

    • Old Gator - Oct 11, 2011 at 10:37 AM

      Re-phrase it for accuracy: “You do not talk about the Sausage Race.”

      • mckludge - Oct 11, 2011 at 10:49 AM

        Eighth Rule: If this is your first time at Miller Park, you HAVE to eat a sausage.

    • kiwicricket - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:56 AM

      I wouldn’t want to talk about it with the competitors afterwards either…

  5. sdelmonte - Oct 11, 2011 at 9:58 AM

    I guess the actors who play the sausages are like Julie Kavner, who never does any of her Simpsons voices at public appearances, as it would (in her mind) ruin the illusion. And if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for the sausages.

    • thefalcon123 - Oct 11, 2011 at 2:25 PM

      …except that Julie Kavners actual voice sounds almost exactly like Marge’s. What illusion Julie?!?

  6. paperlions - Oct 11, 2011 at 10:26 AM

    Shouldn’t this be an endurance race? I’ve never known “fast meat” to be a good thing.

    Isn’t the “winner” just the biggest meat?

    • Old Gator - Oct 11, 2011 at 10:38 AM

      Size does matter?

    • kiwicricket - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:47 AM

      You have known ‘fast meat’ ?

      • paperlions - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:37 PM

        I threw the ball well today, really located well, just left that one pitch up in the zone…. :-D

  7. Old Gator - Oct 11, 2011 at 10:40 AM

    Okay, no more adolescent sausage jokes. Let’s get serious. I’m going to pour myself a cold one and relax with a “Used-Like New” cheap hardcover copy from Amazon.com of Wilhelm Reich’s The Function of the Sausage Race. Let’s see what’s really going on here.

  8. cintiphil - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:34 AM

    I agree with Prince. I don’t think it is very funny, except if you happen to trip one of these nuts as they jog by the bench!

    • cintiphil - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:35 AM

      Oh, I think that has happened before.

    • phukyouk - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:36 AM

      I see what you did there

  9. phukyouk - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:35 AM

    can we take a break.. this thread is becoming a sausage-fest

  10. bigleagues - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:51 AM

    But Fielder, even after seven seasons of watching wieners jog past his dugout, still does not get the appeal.

    Of course, Prince is an avowed vegetarian . . . so perhaps his requests for a veggie race hasn’t been met with much enthusiasm.

    • cintiphil - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:59 AM

      Are you kidding me? You can’t get a radiator like Fielder by eating grass. he probably is a red meat guy (Rid Eye I guess).

      • paperlions - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:38 PM

        Horses, cows, hippos, and elephants mainly eat grass (or other herbaceous vegetation). Just sayin’…

    • El Bravo - Oct 11, 2011 at 4:40 PM

      You sure? This pic seems to paint a different portrait…http://production.theonion.com/assets//printarchive/4704_2011_01_27/Madison/Onion%204704%20pg%2012.pdf

  11. kiwicricket - Oct 11, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    Is there such a thing as quasi-lewd? If so, add this post and my ex-girlfriend to the list.

  12. ccmf69 - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    Grab some pine, Meat….(Thanks Mr. Krukow)

    • gogigantos - Oct 11, 2011 at 1:59 PM

      I do love me some Kruk and Kuip

  13. Jonny 5 - Oct 11, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    Why would the sausages not talk??? I see a douchenozzle that talks quite often (bicepts).

  14. cur68 - Oct 11, 2011 at 2:17 PM

    So, racing sausage eh? Silent racing sausage, too. Went to a hockey game the other day. Had cute girls in tights with shovels cleaning the ice in the breaks. It seemed something of a race to me. The only thing about hockey that beats baseball are the ice girl, IMO. You can have your sausage-fest.

  15. thefalcon123 - Oct 11, 2011 at 2:23 PM

    I always thought those races would have been a lot more entertaining if Fielder ran after them wearing a bib and holding a knife and fork. But he apparently has some aversion to degrading himself for the amusement of other :(

    • paperlions - Oct 11, 2011 at 2:28 PM

      If that happened, I’m sure there would be a new land-sausage speed record …..yeah, needed to include “land” in there to distinguish it from air-sausage and sea-sausage (or lake-sausage) speed records.

      • cur68 - Oct 11, 2011 at 2:44 PM

        Have you explored these concepts with team management? There are certain parks where a water sausage race would work (SF, Sky Dome) due to proximity with water. Might be your claim to fame some day: you’d be known as “Paperlions, water sausage race guy”.

      • El Bravo - Oct 11, 2011 at 4:43 PM

        PLEASE! Gentlemen! Can we keep this dialogue going? This is how fire and gravity were invented, by productive conversation such as this…

    • cintiphil - Oct 11, 2011 at 4:40 PM

      I am all for it.Lets all write to the park management & Brewers, and get this contest done.

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