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Great Moments in Tortured Metaphors: The Red Sox were unsinkable!

Oct 20, 2011, 12:32 PM EDT

TITANIC 11/26/97 HO

Rob Bradford of WEEI apparently didn’t read Pete Abraham’s column from yesterday in which Pete made a great case for chilling out about the Red Sox’ recent troubles.  About how this stuff happens on lots of teams and that, because of that, it makes little sense to make this into some sort of high and harrowing drama.

We know he didn’t read it because rather than agree with such a sensible take and say “eh, things went bad but let’s not blow it out of proportion,” Bradford decided to equate the 2011 Red Sox with the most famous story of hubris and avoidable disaster in the history of Western Civilization.

Jason Varitek is the Sox’ captain, see. Do you know who else was the captain of a doomed ship?

The 39-year-old was the captain of the fastest sinking ship in baseball history, thereby surfacing his name among the others. Edward Smith, the captain of the Titantic, wasn’t the one who was supposed to spot the iceberg, yet he is front and center of the boat’s Wikipedia page. When the historical documents are drawn up regarding the 2011 Red Sox, expect Varitek’s name to get similar billing … At least we knew what Smith was supposed to do. Occasionally help steer the ship. Make sure the crew is properly delegated. Keep in communication with other boats. And occasionally have dinner with Kate Winslet. But, to this day, nobody can identify what Varitek was — and is — supposed to do as a result of his title.

Well, at least we aren’t getting carried away with this anymore.

  1. yankeesfanlen - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:37 PM

    At least Beep-beep made it around the FIRST iceberg while dining with Minka.

  2. cur68 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    Waitaminute, waitaminute, just hold on here one cotton pickin’ minute…who was Billy Zane in all this? Becket? Lackey? (Actually I think Lackey was a deck chair). And does this mean Youkalis was Winslet’s mom? For that matter, who played Kate’s role? Pedroia? I need this cleared up, y’kow, so that this here metaphor works. I mean, I got parts of it; James Cameron = Terry Francona. The Ice Cold Orioles = Ice Berg. The rest…well than needs some ‘splainin.

    • yankeesfanlen - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:45 PM

      Doin’ your Francesa act this afternoon?

      • cur68 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:58 PM

        S’not an act. He imitates me. We know he’s the poser because I know who the %^&* Al Albuquerque is.

    • aceshigh11 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:46 PM

      No, no…Larry Lucchino is CLEARLY in the Jim Cameron role. Both are ultra-controlling alpha-dog pricks.

      I would make Francona the kindly ship design engineer.

      You DO realize it’s sad that we both know so much about this film? I think we both need to turn our man cards in.

      • cur68 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:54 PM

        I was dragged to this movie by my then wife. Needless to say I am now divorced of her for this and like abuses. The psychological scars left by that damn movie are like flashes of a near plane crash I was in; super slow mo with screaming in my right ear.

  3. stackers1 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:40 PM

    How can he compare Vaitek with Captain Smith? Vairtek doesn’t even have a beard.

    • aceshigh11 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:47 PM


    • WhenMattStairsIsKing - Oct 20, 2011 at 1:00 PM

      He’s had a beard for ages. Where have you been?

  4. Kyle - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    “…yet he is front and center of the boat’s Wikipedia page.” Journalism at its finest, you guys!

  5. kopy - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    Nobody was laughing when the Titanic sank. I, and many, many others, laughed pretty hard when the Red Sox were eliminated. Metaphor broken.

  6. The Common Man - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    Finally, the Boston media comes to its senses and puts the blame where it squarely belongs…on the backup catcher.

  7. Jonny 5 - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    And like the Titanic the audacity of man to state that something weighing 46328 tons “fully loaded” was unsinkable amazes me….

  8. jeffrp - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    Sense be damned, give me high and harrowing drama! I’ve got my popcorn and my 144oz soda and I can’t wait for the next reel of this disaster blockbuster!

  9. bigleagues - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    No one in Boston mistakes Rob Bradford as a commentator with much credibility and much less a grounded journalistic.

  10. tuftsb - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    However, the sinking of the Titanic does have a Red Sox connection.

    The Titanic sank on April, 15 1912 – 5 days before Fenway Park opened. According to books by Mike Vaccaro and other sources, the news of the disaster kept the new field off the front pages of the papers. (also, a young Julio Franco survived the incident)

    As we have seen recently, this was probably the last time any event kept any Sox related story off the front pages.

  11. tuftsb - Oct 20, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    and there is no truth to the rumor that teams will play Pink Floyd’s “Run Like Hell” after batters reach first base against Boston in 2011.

    • aceshigh11 - Oct 20, 2011 at 1:05 PM

      Damnit, man…

      Posting kickass live Pink Floyd videos while I’m at work?

      Kiss my afternoon productivity goodbye…

      • cur68 - Oct 20, 2011 at 1:16 PM

        I’ll bet you anything he at work, too. There be a lack of productivity all over the damn place today…

  12. El Bravo - Oct 20, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    Is it me or is Cur on fire with the snark and humorous commentary today? Cur, take your trophy sir, the internet is yours for the remainder of the day.

  13. trevorb06 - Oct 20, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    I could have sworn I just seen a movie like this. A baseball team that had a really good season but didn’t make the WS and therefore was given guff in the media for various reasons.

    • trevorb06 - Oct 20, 2011 at 3:52 PM

      Let me also add that in this movie the team started out in a horrific way and the media was also calling for the oust of the GM. Just sayin’…

      Maybe it’s just society. :-)

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