Skip to content

In which baseball’s newsmakers are compared to “The Princess Bride” characters

Nov 21, 2011, 12:00 PM EST

Vizzini

Linked with very little comment because none is really needed, Bill Parker explains how Clint Barmes is Princess Buttercup, Bobby Valentine is Miracle Max, and Dan Shaughnessy is Vizzini from “The Princess Bride.”

And to preempt your comments: (1) yes, it’s a slow news day; and (2) no, I can’t help myself when it comes to “Princess Bride” stuff. Basically, if you put baseball together with that, or Batman or some of my sci-fi obsessions, I’m probably gonna like it more than I should. You can call me a dork if you want to, but understand this: you’d be quite right to do so.

Which reminds me: I put Twitter Questions on hiatus during the playoffs because for some strange reason people wanted to spend their Wednesday evenings watching baseball rather than asking my for my thoughts on Battlestar Galactica. But baseball is over now, so we’re going to crank that up again soon.  Probably not this week because of the holiday, but next week sounds nice.

Set phasers for obscurity.

  1. okobojicat - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Ok, three comparisons is kind of weak. How about a little more depth.

    Buttercup – Nick Johnson. Everyone chases him every year but no one really seems sure why. He’s the pretty answer on a hill, and yet upon gaining Nick Johnson, no one really seems to be that much better off.

    Vizzini – Frank McCourt. Is pretty sure he’s damn important, but really he’s playing second fiddle to Bud & his cronies (Humperdink). He fouls up all of Bud’s plans, and Bud has to do everything in his power to take control of the situation. Even at his end, Vizzini still has no awareness of the debacle he has perpetuated.

    Humperdink – Loria. Incompetent and scheming big wig. Also, evidence he killed his father.

    Westley – Matt Kemp. He was counted out, was considered dead or a wastrel by most of the population, and yet, by the end of the season, he has become the hero that could lead the future.

    Inigo – Mike Stanton – the pitcher. Amazing skillset (getting lefties out) but limited in other aspects. Always reappears with a different organization. Just when you thought he was done for.

    Fezzik – Pudge. He’s never the star, but well, he plays a pretty critical part in bringing the team to the conclusion. And whatever team he’s on, as long as he’s on that team, wins; (Vizzini, Brute Squad, Man-in-Black/Westley storming).

    Six Fingered Man – Antonio Alfonseca. Duhh.

    The Albino – Craig Calcaterra – I’m mean, come on, have you seen the videos from his basement?

    Miracle Max – 5 years ago: Billy Beane. 2012: Dan Duquette….ummm….

    • umrguy42 - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:49 PM

      Except (movie-wise, as I don’t recall from the one time I read the book) the King didn’t die (outside of Buttercup’s dream), so Humperdink couldn’t have killed him.

      Random questions – who would be the crone in Buttercup’s dream, and Miracle Max’s wife?

      • okobojicat - Nov 21, 2011 at 1:05 PM

        In the movie, Humperdink plans to kill the King. I don’t think he actually does. Its been so long since I read the book I don’t remember.

        oooh, the Crone….A commentor who is accurate, and yet, we all are kind of scared of….Old Gator? Also, visits us in Dreams…

        Miracle Max’s Wife – Dave Martinez – Bench Coach of the Devil Rays. have you seen that beard? He’s even more hideous than Carol King in the movie. And he does seem to be always at Madden’s side, even when we doubt whether he should be.

      • umrguy42 - Nov 21, 2011 at 2:56 PM

        I don’t recall any overt plans to kill the King – just to kill Buttercup, and blame Gilder (Guilder?) for it so he can go to war. He’s already the power behind the throne due to the King’s dotage, after all.

        Now, who would be the kindly, addle-pated King?

        (This post brought to you by the Committee to Bring Back More Fun Words.)

      • okobojicat - Nov 21, 2011 at 3:14 PM

        @umrguy42

        For some reason I’m remembering Humperdink in one of his monologues to the Six-Fingered Man detailing his plan to have his father killed and have it framed on Guilder, but then I believe he titters and says he’ll have it blamed on Westley. However, this could all be a misremembering.

      • umrguy42 - Nov 21, 2011 at 3:30 PM

        okobojicat, You are misremembering, sorry:

        Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
        Prince Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It’s odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it’s going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged – they’ll demand we go to war.
        Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It’s impossible to find…
        [he finds it and the tree opens to reveal a hidden passage]
        Count Rugen: Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Westley’s got his strength back. I’m starting him on the machine tonight.
        Prince Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I’m swamped.
        Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven’t got your health, then you haven’t got anything.

  2. JBerardi - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Personally I’d Dan Shaughnessy is basically Anakin Skywalker from the Star Wars prequel movies. His default response to every situation he’s presented with is whining, and he’s such a pathetic, loathsome person you’re left to wonder how or why he ever wound up being so important to the universe that he inhabits.

  3. spudchukar - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:32 PM

    One of the only things that could distract me from even an incredibly boring, lop-sided Baseball Game is The Princess Bride. That said, you gotta do a better job than Bill Parker. He doesn’t know why Buttercup is sought after. Robin Wright in her prime? And Vizzini is smart, calculating and venal. Sure he is outwitted, but he isn’t Shaughnesey dumb. Maybe the Valentine thing works on some level, pedantic meets curmudgeonly but barely. Now Fezzik and Adam Dunn…

  4. Jonny 5 - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    You people are trying to ruin the Princess Bride for me, I know it. How can I watch it now without picturing Dan Shaughnessy, therefore ruining the movie??? WTH!?!?!

  5. trevorb06 - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:48 PM

    Note to Craig: Don’t buy Skyrim.

    We’d miss you.

  6. mkd - Nov 21, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Mark Cuban. I want to buy your baseball team. Prepare to die.

    • cleverbob - Nov 21, 2011 at 1:32 PM

      Winner!

  7. nothanksimdriving123 - Nov 21, 2011 at 1:32 PM

    And Bud Light doing something that’s actually good for baseball: INCONCEIVABLE!
    Sorry, had to.

    • nothanksimdriving123 - Nov 21, 2011 at 2:15 PM

      You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never play baseball on artificial turf”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  8. sdelmonte - Nov 21, 2011 at 1:36 PM

    “Baseball is about pain. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling you something.

    “And not a Mets fan.”

  9. cur68 - Nov 21, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    That squirrel in the NLDS? Rodent of Unusual Size.

  10. offseasonblues - Nov 21, 2011 at 3:21 PM

    And of course, the Red Sox are only mostly dead.

Leave Comment

You must be logged in to leave a comment. Not a member? Register now!

Featured video

Maddon has high hopes for Cubs
Top 10 MLB Player Searches
  1. P. Sandoval (5520)
  2. Y. Tomas (4571)
  3. H. Ramirez (4361)
  4. J. Lester (3266)
  5. C. Headley (2532)
  1. M. Kemp (2404)
  2. J. Upton (2281)
  3. J. Bruce (2201)
  4. Y. Cespedes (2193)
  5. A. LaRoche (2059)