Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball

MIAMI—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the Miami Marlins shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball.

“We’d like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Marlins family,” said team owner Jeff Loria, watching as the franchise’s 928 newest additions held up their fishstripes at a Marlins Stadium press conference. “With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 3rrd World Series title.”

Sports reporters were not surprised by the move.

“This is not entirely unexpected,” St. Petersberg Gazette baseball writer Murray Chass said. “When the Marlins followed up their signing of Jose Reyes by annexing New York for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Loria was willing to do whatever it takes to win.”

By noon, Marlins GM Michael Hill had signed the entire National League and most of the National League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Marlins, who bought out the remainder of his $150 million contract for $300 million.

“It’s an honor to be part of this team,” said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the retirement as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Yadier Molina, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. “It’s a surprise, certainly, but I’d be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball.”

Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season.

“As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league,” Guillen said. “Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we’ll be able to start Roy Halladay in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary.”

With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Guillen said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding.

“Hey, I don’t care who you’ve got on your team; winning in this league is tough—Joey Votto, Matt Kemp, and Cliff Lee or no Joey Votto, Matt Kemp, and Cliff Lee,” Guillen said. “And it’s even tougher in Miami. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Marlins are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater.”

The mass signing, extravagant even by Marlins standards, caused the Bronx Bombers’ payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $50 million to $5.6 billion. Hill noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Jaime Moyer, who at 74, will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig approved the signing, noting that the other 29 major-league teams received ample financial compensation.

“I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Nationals can’t continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players,” Selig said. “The league was due for contraction, anyway.”

Can Fielder be far behind?

By my best estimate allowing for what we know about their 2012 payroll the Marlins with these 3 signing will be at about $85MM for 2012. It would be higher but Reyes’s salary is more backloaded. If they indeed do go after and sign Fielder they are looking at a 2012 payroll of about $105MM plus about double their 2011 payroll.