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Nightmare fuel: Seasons Greetings from the Atlanta Braves

Dec 22, 2011, 8:14 AM EDT


In the past few days I’ve come to grips with the fact that the Braves aren’t gonna get a shortstop. And I learned that they’re getting into a dumb copyright fight with Disney. These are the usual sort of things that make one roll one’s eyes at the team they love, but it’s survivable.

Not sure this video holiday card from the Braves is survivable, though.  Really, the only thing keeping me from dumping them and running back to the Tigers or something is the fact that they non-tendered my boy Peter Moylan here.

But maybe I gotta face facts. He’s nowhere near the worst one in this thing. ┬áReally, no one except Eddie Perez really acquitted himself here, and Perez is a freakin’ coach. Chipper Jones may have done more to hurt his Hall of Fame chances with this thing than he would have if he bet $10K on the Braves to lose while eating an HGH and cocaine sandwich on rye.

Just not looking like a good offseason here, people. Not at all.

  1. drmonkeyarmy - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:18 AM

    Well Craig, we could also use another Phillies phan.

    • Chris Fiorentino - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:24 AM

      Wouldn’t work. Who would he bait if he were a Phillies fan?

      • bleedgreen - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:35 AM

        I’d say Mets or Braves or Nationals fans…but there are none. Looks like Gator is the only guy he could bait.

      • Old Gator - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:54 AM

        I can’t be baited with the usual stuff. I don’t take chunks of bad meat or dog carcasses like the other guys, and fortunately the distinctly un-tropical Calcaterra doesn’t know what any Miccosukee tourist airboat driver knows since they were old enough for their daddies to teach them to stuff cotton in their ears: that gators love marshmallows.

  2. ndbites34 - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:22 AM

    It’s almost like Moylan knows he’s about to be non-tendered, and he’s thinking “Man, this is gonna be awkward.” Tim Hudson and Brian Snitker are way, way to in to this.

  3. phillyphreak - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:31 AM

    Well, at least…..nevermind.

    Freddie Freeman = Buzz from Home Alone.

  4. hasbeen5 - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:36 AM

    Cameraman: “Hi Dan”

    Uggla: “Hey”

    Cameraman: “Ok, we’re done, good take.”

  5. sdelmonte - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    Don’t forget this: your team’s owners are not broke. And your team has some really good young players. It could always be worse.

  6. Jonny 5 - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    Moylan used to destroy the Phillies before his surgery. He should have no problem getting a job. Somebody will take a chance on him, and I kinda hope it’s Phillly.

    • hasbeen5 - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:51 AM

      No way they let him walk if he’s healthy. They need somebody to eat some innings and he was damn effective before he got hurt.

  7. mcsnide - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:46 AM

    Hey at least they didn’t have to retract their Christmas greeting over copyright claims.

  8. deathmonkey41 - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:48 AM

    One of Derek Jeter’s most untalked about intangibles is the good sense to not do stupid stuff like this. It looks like the Braves are missing that intangible as a club- probably why they missed the playoffs last season.

    • Chip Caray's Eyebrows - Dec 22, 2011 at 9:20 AM

      It’s only 8:20 a.m., and I think I can already safely say this is the dumbest shit I will read all day. Way to go.

  9. smellmybathtowel - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:51 AM

    Why did the Braves use a voice over from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for Fredi at the end?

  10. Francisco (FC) - Dec 22, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    He couldn’t take his eyes away! The Brave’s holiday greeting video was engrossing but in an embarrassing way. It was like watching a train wreck, with the Braves logo on the train! The music only made it worse. Everyone looked so phony! He was certain he would have nightmares of Derek Lowe reaching for him with an extended shriveled hand out of the TV screen! (71″ now, BTW). His bubble pipe was utterly forgotten on the Phanatic rug, spilling its contents all over it. Then mercifully it was over. Just watching that gave him the shivers. He adjusted his Braves bathrobe again.

    Then his phone rang.

    He reached for it automatically (odd, usually calls were routed to his TV screen). His wife gave it to him as a present this Christmas. It was one of those novelty baseball phones (Har, har, where’s my real present?)

    “Hello?”, he said tentatively.

    “Seven Days,” answered a spooky girlish voice, which then hung up.

    It was quite some time before he could stop staring at his phone.

  11. phukyouk - Dec 22, 2011 at 9:49 AM

    This is worse


    • mcsnide - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:04 AM

      Not sure whether i should throw up or bleach my own eyes after that one. A little warning next time, please.

      • phukyouk - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:28 AM

        I mean… i did say it was worse…

      • mcsnide - Dec 22, 2011 at 11:00 AM

        You were certainly right about that

    • Jason @ IIATMS - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:55 AM

      The Internet Police are now sprinting down the hallway towards me.

      a simple NSFAAOE (not safe for anyone alive or employed) would suffice.

  12. nategearhart - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:14 AM

    There seems to be an embracing lately of the fact that most athletes can’t act or otherwise perform (think of those Blake Griffin ads – you think they didn’t know what they were doing?). It was funny and kitschy for a while, but it has now officially jumped the shark.

  13. kylepinion - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    I love my Braves, but man…they are not a good looking bunch.

    • Jonny 5 - Dec 22, 2011 at 10:46 AM

      Chipper Jones giving the camera his “EFF ME” eyes made my skin crawl. Like Craig said “nightmare fuel”.

      • drmonkeyarmy - Dec 22, 2011 at 11:26 AM

        Chipper Jones makes me skin crawl in general….the “EFF ME” eyes as you put it was something else entirely.

  14. bravojawja - Dec 22, 2011 at 11:25 AM

    This thing went from awful to hilariously awful to painfully awful in just 1:24. It’s like September all over again.

  15. crash1582 - Dec 22, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    Is there some verbage in there contract that makes them obligated to do this. And Huddy looked like he was actually enjoying it.

  16. cameron poe - Dec 22, 2011 at 12:32 PM

    I feel like I say this every time the Braves are lazy or we are reminded that they are not the Braves of old…But this is an ownership problem. Neither of these silly lazy situations would have happened under Ted Turner’s ownership. You know why? Because only one man is making the decision. Not a board of directors. You can’t take votes on who to draft or pick up via free agency. Those are decisions that need to be left up to one person to pull the trigger on. The Braves have been in a free agent decline for years now. They either are too lazy to go out and get who they need or they fill a senseless spot with an aging vet at the end of his prime. Now, even the Marlins are trying to spend money the Braves can no longer get by on just their young prospects. They too have to spend a little cash to get what they need and what us as fans want.

  17. foreverchipper10 - Dec 22, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    I got this on Tuesday and just shook my head in shame while I watched it. Sigh.

  18. explodet - Dec 22, 2011 at 2:21 PM

    Why is Chipper Jones trying to fuck me?

    • drmonkeyarmy - Dec 22, 2011 at 7:00 PM

      Do you work at Hooters? If so, that would be the answer.

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