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“Drunk monkeys” are the new inefficiency

Jan 30, 2012, 9:23 AM EDT

Drunk monkey

The Athletics had their FanFest over the weekend.  As we mentioned the other day, owner Lew Wolff met fans and heard complaints. Said complaints were lodged in one-on-one sessions with said fans, so we didn’t get to hear them, but based on the article at about it, it sounds like Wolff met with some displeasure but nothing notable. Not terribly surprising. I suppose that if you’re THAT angry at the A’s you’re not gonna bother showing up to FanFest to begin with.

Also of note: Wolff thinks the A’s target date for opening in a new ballpark is 2016.  He’s also pretty open to Manny Ramirez joining the team.

The quote of the day, however, didn’t come from Wolff. It came from the Athletics’ number one starter Brandon McCarthy:

“I know there are a lot of people who have had questions about the moves that have been made, but I do like the front office stepping up, answering questions and showing that there is a path that we’re taking and there’s reasons for all of this. It’s not just drunk monkeys throwing at a dartboard. People have a plan, and they’re trying to do something.”

I was a big fan of “Moneyball,” both the book/movie and the concept. But I think I’d be even more excited if the new inefficiency in building a ballclub was drunk monkeys throwing things.  And the best part: I bet that stuff would actually work in the playoffs.

NOTE: In the off chance that my undergraduate primatology Professor Lori Sheerhan is reading this, yes, I am quite aware that the picture accompanying this article is a drunk ape, not a drunk monkey. Also know that, over the past 20 years, I have had far more occasion to use all of the anthropology stuff you taught me when picking up my minor than I have any of the political science stuff I learned in my major, so thanks. 

  1. latchbeam - Jan 30, 2012 at 9:39 AM

    Looks like the democrat is hitting on his old teacher…

    • brohancruyff - Jan 30, 2012 at 9:58 AM


      • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:29 AM

        I got it. Latchbeam needs to read T. Coraghessan Boyle’s The Descent of Man: “I was living with a woman who suddenly began to stink….”

        Craig, if you were a primatology minor, this book is also an absolute must for ye. Go get it or I shall be forced to send you one….

      • larryhockett - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:34 AM

        Not sure if this is what he means but he may be alluding to a “reverse-Newt” who actually did marry his high school geometry teacher (you know, before, uh, moving on to new projects, uh, several times).

      • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 11:22 AM

        Ah well you see as a typical running dog Socialist I read into it that naturally an atheist Democrat (as opposed to the sort of Dog-fearing Republican who would dump his cancer stricken wife – though the resemblance to John Edwards was a purely coincidental case of parallel evolu…uh…well, let’s leave it at coincidence) would be attracted to a primatologist who (unless she were actually a creationist plant in the anthropology department, like those stealth school board members communities occasionally elect by accident and then have to spend a small fortune to recall) espouses heathen theories like empirical method in her explanation of how we got to be talking neotenic (hairless) apes ourselves.

        Thank Derrida for dissemination, eh?

      • Gamera the Brave - Jan 30, 2012 at 12:40 PM

        Sometimes I hate you, but only for compelling (or should that be “impelling”, have to look that up) my continued education. Derrida seems like an interesting cat, partially because he seems to have had a pretty rich, rounded life in addition to his intellectual pursuits. I admit to feeling that the philosophical lexicon smacks of intellectual masturbation, or maybe pissing on the local academic fire hydrant (my taxonomy is more erudite and obscure then yours, a-HA!). But what the hell do I know, I studied music in college, I’m way to obtuse for philosophy..
        I DID like the end of the Wikipedia article – “Derrida’s last public speaking appearances—in Campbell Hall at the University of California at Santa Barbara (late October, 2003)— produced attendance that exceeded the seating capacity of the hall (900).” Good memories – I slept through many a lecture in Campbell Hall…

      • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 1:19 PM

        Gamera: speaking as one kaiju lover to another, I must warn you that any initial attempt to read Derrida without the proper initiation process can result in splitting headaches. I bounced off of him a couple of times until I realized that he was goofing mightily on us and then, with a little help from M. L. Abrams’ wonderful book Doing Things with Texts I broke into him and had a field day with him throughout my initial adolescence and its interminable extension.

        Then, about…oh…thirty five years ago or so, while visiting my then-girlfriend Italianate Playboy centerfold gorgeous marginally psychotic Medieval studies major at Cornell, I attended a departmental cocktail party in honor of Derrida and actually got to meet him. He was a beautiful but small man with a classic Gaelic face, silver hair and he smoked a cigar about as large as he was. I was alter-consciousnessed on a variety of entoxicants and at some point during the festivities I found myself face-to-face (by looking down – he came up to my neck) or, should I say, face-to-face with a cloud of cigar smoke enveloping Derrida’s head the way the camouflage cloud enveloped the Trollenberg in The Crawling Eye. Turning on my X-ray vision, I was able to make out the contours of his physiognomy. He had a great Leprechaun-like twinkle in his eye. “So,” he asked me with a smile, “what did you think of my little talk?” All my inhibitions being as dysfunctional as that wall of high-tension lines around Tokyo after the big G got through with them, I replied, “I didn’t understand a word of it. Why do you have to mangle the language like that?” He laughed very hard – probably because he was nauseated by all the adulation being heaped on him by a roomful of pipe-smoking, corduroy-wearing intellectual toadies who he knew damned well didn’t understand him either – and then winked at me and replied, “because women love it.”

        True story.

      • Gamera the Brave - Jan 30, 2012 at 4:54 PM

        That’s one HELL of an anecdote.
        And thanks again, for now I must track down The Crawling Eye. Forrest Tucker, in an English late-50’s sci-fi horror? And, best yet, a follow-up version, courtesy of our friends at Mystery Science Theater 3000?!?

  2. drmonkeyarmy - Jan 30, 2012 at 9:41 AM

    The last thing you want is an army of drunk monkeys running around… me on this one.

    • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:34 AM

      Loved that scene on the Golden Gate Bridge in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, though. On the other hand, we can only hope that James Franco won’t get involved in any more total clunkers like that one. He ought to renounce these blasphemous parodies of the apostate Darwin and take advantage of a great chance to redeem himself with Child of God.

      • APBA Guy - Jan 30, 2012 at 1:18 PM

        With Lucasfilm in the Presidio and Pixar in the East Bay, only the very best CGI will do, and that scene of our hero “going ape” on the Golden Gate just won’t do, along with the rest of the movie. Surely Palo Alto native James Franco should have realized that. But a paycheck, that speaks volumes.

    • cur68 - Jan 30, 2012 at 12:30 PM

      I wonder why he went with “drunken monkeys”? Monkeys don’t build anything and are known to fling some pretty vile “stuff”. Yuck. Those things aren’t hygienic. Should gone with an army of drunken beavers. They build things and are, when sober, very productive. A drunken beaver army would own a drunken monkey army.

      • drmonkeyarmy - Jan 30, 2012 at 3:15 PM

        Are we talking about the American Beaver or the Canadian Beaver?

      • cur68 - Jan 30, 2012 at 3:30 PM

        Castor canadensis. Its right there in the name. Castor americansis are fictional creatures like unicorns & The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Next thing you’ll be asking me is if meerkats and horned toads are real: everyone knows that they are less real than tatu…mmm, tatu….

      • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 4:14 PM

        On the other hand the dire beaver (Castoroides ohioensis), which was as big as a cow, has the great state of Ohio in its name, and colonized Canada on our behalf during the Pleistocene. It was much more successful than Montgomery and Arnold.

  3. PanchoHerreraFanClub - Jan 30, 2012 at 9:51 AM

    There is more than one FO where drunken monkeys would represent an upgrade in FO personnel. I will leave it to the rest of you to fill in the teams.

    • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:36 AM

      Flushing, perhaps?

  4. deathmonkey41 - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    No sh#t- I have that monkey drinking artwork on my wall. You can never go wrong with a drunken monkey.

  5. kmg1016 - Jan 30, 2012 at 10:54 AM

    I think it’s Sheeran, not Sheerhan.

    Correct, then delete this comment (I won’t be offended, Florio’s always deleting my comments on your “sister” site).

    • Old Gator - Jan 30, 2012 at 11:24 AM

      Sheeran, Sheerhan. What’s one less Kennedy more or less?

  6. APBA Guy - Jan 30, 2012 at 1:21 PM

    7000 fans showed up for the first fan fest in 4 years, showing Wolff that there are still those who he has not completely alienated from following the A’s. His takeaway: “I have work still to do”.

  7. mondogarage - Jan 30, 2012 at 3:27 PM

    When Lew Wolff says he’s “pretty open to Manny Ramirez joining the team,” he’s actually saying “gee, I saw that douchebag McCourt make a couple million on doo rag dread wigs, I want some of that action”.

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