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Happy Valentine’s Day from HBT

Feb 14, 2012, 9:47 AM EST

Valentine's Day

Some people say Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday.  Other people think it’s an important day on which to express one’s love for another. Still others, no matter what they think of the day’s legitimacy, dread it either because they have no love in their life or because they do but they can’t stand the expectations and anxiety Valentine’s Day causes.

I don’t know where I fall on that continuum. It’s been a rather extreme year for me, romantically-speaking.  As a lot of you know, I’m getting divorced and that’s kind of a drag.  But as some of you also know, I’m in a new relationship and that’s pretty exciting.  What I feel about love and the rituals which surround it is very different depending on when, exactly, you ask me.

But I do know this:  if everyone who has a special someone in their life got them this card, the world would be a more romantic place:

source:

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

  1. sdelmonte - Feb 14, 2012 at 9:54 AM

    I was not aware of either of those changes in your life, Craig. I hope all goes well for you and for your kids in your transition.

    But I am disappointed you chose Ellis and not Bobby. He’s always been my favorite Valentine.

    Bobby Valentine Disguise

    • proudlycanadian - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:09 AM

      Ellis was a much better baseball player than Bobby.

      From personal experience, divorce is difficult, however life moves on and we forge new relationships.

      • sdelmonte - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:01 PM

        But Bobby V is more fun!

        Until he wears out his welcome.

  2. kopy - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:00 AM

    If I received that card, I would spend too much time trying to figure out why an Expos player is wearing a yellow t-shirt underneath a janitor/mechanic uniform.

  3. Pierre Cruzatte - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:10 AM

    Tell you the truth, I was a little surprised when you tweeted that you filed yesterday. The litigator in me would never, ever pass up a chance to drop those papers on St. V’s day.

    But maybe my first marriage ended worse than yours did.

    • Craig Calcaterra - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:14 AM

      The thought actually crossed my mind this morning and made me sad for the missed opportunity.

      It’s been over two years since I was a litigator, though. The instincts are getting dull.

    • thetruth1313 - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:34 AM

      Getting a divorced finalized on Valentines Day is even better.

  4. Francisco (FC) - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    A Valentine contest!!! You forgot Billy Ray: http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsM/12564-19933.gif

    • Utley's Hair - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:40 PM

      This kinda thing happens to me every week!!!

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:47 PM

        So that’s your limo parked outside?

  5. WhenMattStairsIsKing - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:23 AM

    Happy Bobby Valentine’s Day!

  6. baseballisboring - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    Fuck bitches, get money!

    Or something…alright fine I’m kinda lonely…

    • El Bravo - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:14 PM

      Chicks, brah. Note the pluralization. We’re doing alright, man. We’re doing just fine. That siad, there is one small issue with your quote from Lil Wayne that I’ve discovered since The Carter III came out a few years back. The quote is exactly backwards. Get money first, trust me, it works better for the second part.

      • Alex K - Feb 14, 2012 at 9:14 PM

        Junior Mafia is offended that you attributed that quote to Lil Wayne, El Bravo.

      • El Bravo - Feb 21, 2012 at 4:00 PM

        F@ck Junior Mafia, f@ck Mobb Deep, f@ck Bad Boy, f@ck Biggie and his whole crew! Chino? Exel? F@ck you too! All you mothaf@ckas f@ck you too! Die slow mothaf@cka, my 4-4 make sho all yo kids don’t grow!

  7. drunkenhooliganism - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    Since I only get information about your personal life from Francisco, I had no idea about the divorce and the strange.

    • Craig Calcaterra - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:48 AM

      Note: just checked with the girlfriend: “The Strange” will not be an acceptable pet name for her in our relationship going forward.

      But we do appreciate your creativity, fine sir!

      • drunkenhooliganism - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:03 AM

        I might have to consult urban dictionary, but I think it’s only “strange” the first time.

  8. Max Power - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:42 AM

    Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her.

  9. aleskel - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:48 AM

    Wow, I did not expect this story to be such a big bummer when I clicked on it. Good luck, Craig.

  10. Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    Every day is an important day to express your love for the special people in your life. Valentines day is just a marketing ploy to pry open our wallets. Happy Valentines day HBT and comment section.

    • Francisco (FC) - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:05 AM

      Considering I lost my wallet this morning the marketing people will have a tough time prying it open :(

      • kopy - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:11 AM

        “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…” -Mitch Hedberg

      • Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:26 PM

        Duuuude.. That sucks.

        Or is that what you plan on telling the wife because you really forgot to get something?

      • Francisco (FC) - Feb 15, 2012 at 10:57 AM

        Trust me Johnny, I’d rather buy something for the wife than go through the whole process of replacing driver’s license, health card, credit card, debit card, membership card, etc. In any case who do you think pays HER credit card?

    • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:35 PM

      I agree wholeheartedly. But I bought my wife a huge bouquet of roses anyway to preserve the atmosphere of bliss and tranquility that obtains here anyway.

      • Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:01 PM

        I was specifically told not to buy any flowers because they’re a waste of money. I’m afraid to listen to her, and afraid of not listening to her all at the same time. How can this be? Is this just a hint at jewelry?

      • badmamainphilliesjamas - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:42 PM

        Note for next year . . . buy the flowers a few days before Valentine’s Day. My husband knows that overpaying on the holiday would make this girl very unhappy.
        But jewelry’s good, too.

  11. pellypell - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:57 AM

    Craig Calcaterra, ex girl to the next girl. We see you, playa!

  12. ss - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:09 AM

    The man in that picture has some massive, Double Stuf Oreo style fingers. And they are wrapped around her left tit.

    Good on you, WB Mason.

  13. cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:43 AM

    Ah, Valentine’s day…stupid greeting card romance day as I’ve always called it. Well, whatever. Since I recently acquired an HBT Girlfriend I suppose I’d better get off my ass and do something in keeping with the merchandising ploy…a poem for 24missed, from the Bard Himself;

    “In my dreams
    You’re all I sees…
    Boobz, Butt, & Knees.
    Be my main squeeze.”

    S.Dallas, 1985

    • kiwicricket - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:11 PM

      A HBT girlfriend??? I missed this particular link!

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:17 PM

        http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/02/13/finally-confirmation-that-phil-hughes-is-in-the-best-shape-of-his-life/

        She may ditch me for you: better accent, y’see. Trumps studliness every time.

      • Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:08 PM

        Wait one steeeeenking minute!!!! You stole my E-imaginary girlfriend??? How could you Cur? I thought we were buds and all. That’s it. Your Beaver wrestling logger men are going to be shown no mercy. *note the correct spelling of mercy has no i. I imagine I love her and you stole her. Sniff sniff.

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:15 PM

        Better compose your doggerel then, J5. She’s a lady with standards. Not gonna win her back with just outrage and bad spelling. Maybe try a mawashi to augment your metal exoskeleton: she like the sumo, y’see.

    • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 3:06 PM

      Hey Cur,

      I’ve been ever so patiently waiting for my romantic gesture from my HBT Stud Muffin.

      Your cheap comments about my ass-ets just keep luring me into your manly baseball ways.

      Here is my dirty, not as poetic, verse for you:

      On the internet they found romance,
      That put both in a sexual trance,
      But each had a gripe,
      That it’s hard to type,
      With a hand stuck down in your pants

      • koufaxmitzvah - Feb 14, 2012 at 3:18 PM

        Whoah…. Do you have a sister?

      • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 3:30 PM

        I take it this wasn’t too filthy for HBT? Gotta keep my platonic HBT boyfriend satisfied and myself at the same time…I mean. Well, you know what I mean. Boy, am I getting myself into trouble.

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:04 PM

        Good. Lord. This may be the happiest Valentines Day I can recall for like, EVER. That is THE BEST piece of lewd doggerel ever directed at me, bar none, hands down (swidt?), no contest, BEYOND QUESTION, 24. I’m gonna be utterly inconsolable when the day comes and you “Dear cur” me. Promise it won’t be for that utter cad, Jonny 5? You’re too good for the likes of him, 24. You can do WAY better!

      • Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:16 PM

        Shhhhh 24, tell him nothing….

      • koufaxmitzvah - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:29 PM

        Whoah…. I hope your sister isn’t platonic.

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:56 PM

        He won’t respect you in the morning, 24.

      • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:10 PM

        Cur,

        You had me at Boobz. Sometimes, my big boobz are too much for some
        to (ahem), handle, but not you. You gaze past the breasts, the ass, the knees (what???) and just behold your HBT girlfriend.

        And yes, Cur, this was directed at you. A Very Happy Valentine’s Day will be had by all.

        Granted, platonic or not, I still have naughty thoughts and you just might have to be subjected to them, if the topic is appropriate.

        On the other hand…I need to respond to a certain Jonny.

      • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:12 PM

        Jonny,

        I think I’ve heard about you.

        Tell Cur nothing? Sweet nothings?

      • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:15 PM

        Koufaxmitzvah,

        O my sister and I have lots of fun together. We have fun mud wrestling and stuff.

      • 24missed - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:19 PM

        Am I supposed to respect him in the morning, Cur?

        Hey, wait, there’s been no, “Dear Cur” yet, I mean at all.

  14. kiwicricket - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:49 AM

    As someone who is living/working in rural India, with no significant other, and has not even seen a female in over a week….Valentines day is a pretty neutral feeling for me.

    Hope all goes well with you and your children during a difficult time.

    • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 11:59 AM

      What, no human female sightings? Shit, bro, that’s tough. Well, here’s hoping the female quotient is like the weather in India: a baking desert for part of the year (which you are currently in, female-wise) followed by a monsoon-deluge-drown-you-out for the rest. When monsoon season arrives, remember to wear a raincoat. Hang in there, Kiwi.

      • kiwicricket - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:07 PM

        I really do find it amusing you specifically mentioned no “human female” sightings.
        Nice.

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:16 PM

        I’ve heard tell of what you kiwi’s are like (from Australians, true: strong chance of piss-taking). Being raised around all those merinos an such, eh? Best to stipulate the species of female, IMO.

      • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:44 PM

        kiwi: this is really funny. I had no idea you were in India. I just this morning committed a few cups of black lentils, yellow peas, rice and fenugreek seed to the soaking bowl in my first ever attempt to make my own dosa, along with some dried chickpeas, black and yellow lentils to another bowl to prepare to make the potato filling. They all need to soak in distilled water until midday tomorrow before being ground up for the batter or the filling.

        Never tried to cook Indian before but felt it was overdue – especially ’cause the only really good, i.e. London-grade, Indian restaurant left in my area went tits up a few months back. Tough to find asafoeteda, though. Finally found it at an Asian market not too far from here.

        Tonight, I make the sambhar….wish me luck.

  15. kiwicricket - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:15 PM

    Slightly off topic….but why is there not an Official HBT comments section fantasy baseball league?
    That really would be amusing.

    • kopy - Feb 14, 2012 at 3:38 PM

      I’m in.

    • The Rabbit - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:32 PM

      Actually, there is an unofficial one. We still have a opening and YankeefanLen and I were talking about you yesterday.
      Kiwi and kopy, ask Craig via e-mail for my e-mail address and let me know if you are interested. You will absolutely recognize the players.

      • kiwicricket - Feb 14, 2012 at 10:35 PM

        Will do! Thank you Rabbit.

  16. El Bravo - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:19 PM

    Dead that baby momma drama, quick pause like a comma, then move on anotha broad, brah.

    – Craig’s M.O.

    Much love to the HBT world. You are all my sweet Valentine today so shhhhhhhhh, just let me slip it in slowly, it will only hurt at first.

    • Utley's Hair - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:44 PM

      You and the bizarre and disgusting things you do to pie.

  17. philliesblow - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:34 PM

    Happy Valentine’s, celebrate with a Ballantine’s.

  18. churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:48 PM

    Hmm, should have went with this pic, http://xkcd.com/55/. Going to wear my t-shirt with that on it and count the number of weird looks i get today.

  19. Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 12:58 PM

    All fourteen of the official “Saints Valentine” on the RC veneration list were martyred, Craig. Most, horribly – they were crushed under millstones, quartered by mules who suddenly perked up and did exactly what they were told immediately upon being told, peeled like a grape, burned at the stake, nailed to a tree, drowned in Merlot Nuveau, disemboweled twelve hours after being forced to eat beans, buried alive in a toxic waste dump, forced to watch Bedtime for Bonzo on a tape loop until their dendrites wilted, fed to a pack of starving chihuahuas, lowered slowly feet first into a primitive Cuisinart™ with hand-sharpened obsidian blades, fooled into thinking they were playing piñata with a hive of killer bees, thrown from an early model DaVinci helicopter onto the deck of a plague-infested Bengali curry leaf trader, fed to crocodiles, suffocated with dry cleaner shirt bags, you name it. I think one was even forced to eat horrible horsemeat and Velveeta™ sandwiches until coronary disease took him down. I don’t know whether that makes you feel any better, but few if any of us who have ever been in any kind of relationship fail to see the irony in it….

    • El Bravo - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:07 PM

      “Most, horribly – they were crushed under millstones, quartered by mules who suddenly perked up and did exactly what they were told immediately upon being told, peeled like a grape, burned at the stake, nailed to a tree, drowned in Merlot Nuveau, disemboweled twelve hours after being forced to eat beans, buried alive in a toxic waste dump, forced to watch Bedtime for Bonzo on a tape loop until their dendrites wilted, fed to a pack of starving chihuahuas, lowered slowly feet first into a primitive Cuisinart™ with hand-sharpened obsidian blades, fooled into thinking they were playing piñata with a hive of killer bees, thrown from an early model DaVinci helicopter onto the deck of a plague-infested Bengali curry leaf trader, fed to crocodiles, suffocated with dry cleaner shirt bags, you name it.”

      This is the greatest sentence ever constructed.

      • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:21 PM

        Blush.

        Thanks, but my personal favorite is “”Muchos años despues, frente al pelotón de fusilamiento, el coronel Aureliano Buendia había de recordar aquella tarde remota en que su padre lo llevo a conocer el hielo.”

        Back where I come from, we used to call sentences like that one “genius.”

      • stex52 - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:04 PM

        It has official sanction, too, being voted the fourth best opening line by the American Book Review. They are only off by three. A great book, too. But I must confess I had to read the whole book in English.

      • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:05 PM

        Heh – try El Otoño del Patriarcha some time. Two hundred pages, five sentences, new genre known as “tsunami of consciousness.”

        What was the first best sentence?

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 5:22 PM

        “We need a bigger boat.”

        P. Benchley, Jaws, 1975.

      • stex52 - Feb 15, 2012 at 8:50 AM

        ” Call me Ishmael”. What a surprise!

        Then a Jane Austen.

        Then a personal favorite: “A screaming comes across the sky” From Gravity’s Rainbow.

        But my vote goes with Garcia Marquez.

  20. The Rabbit - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    It must be Valentine’s Day. Every page on this site has an ad for Viagra.
    As the unofficial secretary for the secret underground society (you guys know who you are) that frequents here, may I wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day.
    I know I’ll personally be more enthusiastic about the non-Hallmark holiday: First Day of Spring Training.

    • The Rabbit - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:39 PM

      I should have read the news first. From NPR: “Calling It Alien, Uzbek Government ‘Cancels’ Valentine’s Day”

      • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:48 PM

        Well whaddya know. The Uzbek government is full of assholes, just like ours!

      • cur68 - Feb 14, 2012 at 1:59 PM

        So the Uzbek’s don’t like Hallmark either, eh? Good for them. Down with the greeting card oligarchy!

      • Utley's Hair - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:17 PM

        Ya know, a local radio station has a Valentine’s Day counterpart on March 14th. They call it Steak and BJ Day.

        I’m not sayin’ anything here…but jus’ sayin’ is all.

      • Jonny 5 - Feb 14, 2012 at 2:21 PM

        Saudi Arabia and Iran are staging searches for Valentine related items and “too much red”. Apparently it’s illegal to profess affection, or act “too western” and is punishable under law.

      • Old Gator - Feb 14, 2012 at 3:26 PM

        Saudi Arabia and Iran are a photo finish for the most anally challenged countries on Earth, and that mainly because the old regime in Albania fell a couple of decades ago.

  21. foreverchipper10 - Feb 14, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    To get you all in the Valentine’s spirit remember, blow jobs are flowers for men.

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