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Of course you want a five-pound fish sandwich at a ballgame

Mar 20, 2012, 4:00 PM EDT

Captain Ahab

Every spring we hear about food gimmicks at the ballpark. Giant burgers. Burgers with glazed donuts for buns. Stuff like that.  It’s almost always red meat, however, so I can only assume that the pescatarians are behind this one from the Lake County Captains of the Midwest League:

The Moby Dick features a 15″ sesame seed hoagie roll, five quarter-pound fish filets, eight slices of cheese, six ounces of clam strips, one-third pound of French fries, one cup of cole slaw, all topped off by gobs of lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and tartar sauce. The price for the sandwich is only $20.

It’s only 4,000 calories too. And only has 200 grams of fat. So get two.

  1. aceshigh11 - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    4000 calories!! That’s literally two complete day’s worth of calories in one “sandwich.”

    That’s just a grotesque level of overindulgence.

    • scatterbrian - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:29 PM

      America, fuck yeah!

  2. phukyouk - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:10 PM

    I’m sorry but the words “Dick” and “15′” should NEVER be in the same sentence on a baseball blog.

    • WhenMattStairsIsKing - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:55 PM

      Some dudes don’t even need bats.

    • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:20 PM

      Why, would that be considered unusual?

    • chadjones27 - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:56 PM

      It’s not like it was 69

  3. mungman69 - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    Scatterbrain must be a met fan. Or maybe a met.

    • phukyouk - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:34 PM

      or a fan of Team America?

    • scatterbrian - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:17 PM

      Neither, and I don’t get the connection. Can you explain?

  4. contraryguy - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    And somewhere at the Cleveland Clinic, a heart specialist marks Opening Day on his calendar…

  5. Old Gator - Mar 20, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    Some day, someone will make a watchable film of Moby-Dick. It’s there to be done. The version with Gregory Peck, though you had to love the guy, wasn’t it – Orson Welles’ standout came as Father Mapple notwithstanding. Stanley Kubrick, David Lean and Akira Kurosawa all died too young. Damn.

    • beanster71 - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:03 PM

      “Stanley Kubrick, David Lean and Akira Kurosawa all died too young. Damn.”

      Awesome on so many levels.

    • scatterbrian - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:22 PM

      Who do you suggest? Personally I can see the Coens, PT Anderson, or Fincher making it work.

      • stex52 - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:46 PM

        Fincher is also not a bad idea.

    • stex52 - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:29 PM

      GIve it to Martin Scorsese and have him recast it as a gangster flick on a wooden ship. You would just have to set all the action on the Hudson River. :-)

      Or let Guillermo Del Toro have a whack at the white whale. He’d come up with a monster that would stick in your mind! Or Michael Bay could could create a whale that folds up into a racing car. The Coen Brothers would tell the story in such a dark-humored way that you would forget that it is about a whale. Or James Cameron would re-write the ending so that Ahab and the whale become inter-species best friends.

      Two thoughts:
      1. Christopher Nolan. He showed a deft hand with obsession and high concept action in the Batman series and Inception.
      2. Scorsese, seriously. Just glue Age of Innocence to the Aviator and you have it.

    • chadjones27 - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:57 PM

      Give it to Michael Bey. He’ll make the whale an alien, like he’s doing to my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    • Old Gator - Mar 20, 2012 at 6:44 PM

      Tim Burton?

      Christopher Walken as Ahab? Bruce Dern? Jack Nicholson?

      Johnny Depp as Starbuck.

      Jim Carrey as Ishmael.

      • stex52 - Mar 20, 2012 at 8:16 PM

        This seemed too obvious, but I will say it now. Peter Weir (Master and Commander) as director.

        Liev Schrieber or Gary Oldman as Ahab (depending on the age range you want him to be)

        Robert Downey, Jr. as Queequeg

        Gary Sinise, Hugh Jackman or Jake Gyllenhall as Ishmael

        Edward Norton as Starbuck

  6. Baseball Beer Burritos In That Order - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:00 PM

    Speed-eaters beware: if you’re not careful you might Captain Ahab yourself on a toothpick.

  7. jwbiii - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    dad: There really was a whale named Mocha Dick. He sank two whalers in the South Pacific.
    jwb: Dad, Moby Dick wasn’t about a whale.
    dad: One was out of New Bedford, the other one was from Nantucket, I think.
    jwb: Dad, Moby Dick wasn’t about a whale.
    dad: Melville just ripped this story off.
    jwb (Sigh)

  8. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Mar 20, 2012 at 5:24 PM

    I could buy this AND a Strasburger and have me a ballpark surf & turf. I might need someone to split it with though.

  9. lordtecmo - Mar 21, 2012 at 10:17 AM

    Clam strip…

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