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You asked me questions on Twitter. So I shall answer them.

Mar 22, 2012, 11:33 AM EDT

The Question

I was bored last night, so I asked for Twitter questions. As usual, you obliged. A pretty healthy Batman content too, so it’s almost like we’re in midseason form already. And I mentioned New Jack Swing when I sent out my call for questions, so there’s obviously some Bell Biv Devoe content. Which is how it should be.

Very little baseball, though. You all must be as sick of spring training as I am and just want real games to start. Oh well.

Let’s do this:

Q: Odds on Tim Tebow becoming a 2-sport star for the Jets and Yankees? What position would he play?

Hahaha, don’t be silly. The Yankees aren’t in the business of signing people who are demonstrably unable to help their team. Only the Jets do that.

Q: Kate Upton or Blake Lively?

I presume this is being asked because my divorce became final on Tuesday and you all want the best for me. But look dudes: while I can appreciate the charms of these young ladies, I’m gonna be 39 this year. Upton was born while I was on break between my freshman and sophomore years in college. Lively is a bit older, but she doesn’t even pass that “half your age plus seven” test for whether the person is age-appropriate for you.  I may be newly single, but that doesn’t mean I have any desire to look foolish. Besides: I’d probably have a heart attack or something.

Q: Tie Alli gave you: Best tie ever, or Best. Tie. Ever. Or BEST. TIE. EVER. I’ll hang up so you can answer.

Oh, another reason I couldn’t do anything with Upton or Lively. The “Alli” referred to here is my girlfriend, and the person asking this question knows her. And yes, she bought me a tie. I wore it on SportsTalk the other night. It’s a pretty sweet tie. I presume that she’d use it to strangle me in the event I was found with Kate Upton or Blake Lively.

Q: Did the Braves do anything this winter?

They had a spectacular winter of filling out line 136(b) of Liberty Media’s budget projections. Feel the excitement!

Q: Which players from other sports (ignore those with actual baseball pasts) would be the best baseball players?

Gosh. No idea, mostly because I don’t watch most other sports. Let’s throw this one out to you all. Maybe we’ll make a post out of it.

Q: The most surprising team to finish over .500 in 2012 will be ___.

Um, the Royals? Maybe that’s not too surprising. They’re a fashionable pick. Maybe the surprising part is that it won’t be a ton over .500. I think they’re improving, but I also think they’re a year away from challenging. And that was the case even before their injuries.

Q: Do you look like Andrelton Simmons in a uniform? Should we start referring to Simmons as the Brock Landers of shortstops?

For those unfamiliar, this is Andrelton Simmons — currently battling for the Braves’ starting shortstop job —  in a uniform:


And for as much as it pains me to say so, no, I don’t look like that in a uniform. because I don’t own a Danville Braves cap.  In other news, if this baseball thing doesn’t work out for Simmons, he probably has a future in other fields.

Q: Bell Biv Devoe: New Jack Swing pioneers or “New Look” era Batman B-plot character?

Don’t hate on BBD. Oh wait, you can hate a little. But screw you, I loved ’em back in the day.

Q: Which is the better song by Bel Biv Devoe, “Poison” or “Do Me”?

I’m sorry, the answer is “She’s Dope!”

Q: Even though season starts first full weekend in April, it feels like it starts late. Know what I mean?

I do know what you mean. This has been a long spring. I get excited for the first week of games and then after that, blah, just don’t get hurt anyone and please make the regular season come faster.

Q: Choose 1 of each: Mo Vaughn or Greg Vaughn; Chili Davis or Eric Davis; Albert Belle or Jay Bell; Derrek Lee or Carlos Lee.

Hmm: Mo, Eric, Albert and Derrek. But really, you’re limited me here. How about Arky, Mike, Buddy and Travis?

Q: Who is the best Robin?

Dick Grayson, obvs. But he’s way better as Nightwing. And if I’m in the right mood, I might say the best Robin was Jason Todd. He sucked, but he’s the Robin that died, and that led to a lot of big-time Batman guilt and angst. I kind of like my Batman angsty.

Q:  Is your last name pronounced cal-sa-terra or cal-ka-terra? I feel like this is something I need to know.

It’s the latter. But I’ll know who you’re talking to if you use the former.

Q: Do you think we’ll see a female major league umpire in the next 30 years?

Sure. Why not? And I can’t wait. Partially because the march of equality is always great to see. Partially because I know some dumb columnist won’t be able to help themselves and will write something totally dumb about it. I kind of live for that stuff.

Q: What bourbon would you recommend to someone who likes an Islay Scotch?

Eh, there’s really nothing quite like that. But if you want something bolder and stronger and spicier than your normal vanilla-caramel bourbon, I’ve been getting into some Texas bourbons recently, and they’re a different kettle of fish altogether.  Ranger Creek is a good one. Garrison Brothers is another. Not easy to find outside of Texas, but great stuff.

Q: How was Parkersburg, you know, as you remember it?

That’s Parkersburg, West Virginia. I lived there from 1985-1988.  It was pretty neat for a kid my age. I lived in two parts of it, actually. For two years I lived just out of town on the south side, which was more like suburbia in a lot of ways. I lived one year in-town, however, and that was neat. City blocks, city buses, walking to school, walking to the library and the movies and stores and stuff, baseball games in vacant lots and all of that. For a small river city, it was probably the most “urban” experience I had growing up. Strange, but cool.

Q: “‘Didja’ever take and try to give an iron clad leave to yourself from a three-rail billiard shot?”  Are certain words creeping into your conversation? … words like ‘swell’…’and so’s yer old man!’?”

Speaking or river cities, we got trouble … right here!

Q: Couples that sit on the same side of the booth: annoying, right?

Maybe the worst thing in the world. I am really, really irrational about this. I hate it like cancer.

Q: Who will be worse in 2015: Houston or Baltimore?

Baltimore. I want to give Dan Duquette a chance, but he’s got an unreasonable owner who I fear won’t let him make the kind of changes that organization needs right now. Houston is worse now, but at least they have an ownership and management team in place that seems to know what it’s doing.

Q: What is your take on Aquaman?


Q: Who do you expect to finish 2nd to Fredi in the 2012 NL Manager of the Year vote?

I was gonna mock this question, but given this morning’s news about Chipper Jones, I have decided that Jones will win the triple crown in his final year and the Braves will win 103 games, with Fredi actually winning the damn thing. He’ll still suck, but he’ll get the hardware.

Q: When you were a business traveler were you a go out and see the sights guy or stay by the hotel guy?

I always wanted to be a see-the-sights guy, but my business trips were almost always terrible. I had a week-long trial in Great Falls, Montana. In January. I spent three days in Peoria once. I was constantly going to places like Birmingham, Alabama, Indianapolis, and Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. So no, I didn’t see the sights much. Or I saw them all. Little difference.

Q: Can I have some money?

Sure. Can you throw left-handed?

Q: If you could be any superhero other than Batman, who would you be?

The second Night Owl. He had all of the Batman toys, minus the angst, but with the added bonus of hooking up regular with Silk Spectre. Not a bad tradeoff.

Q: What’s your favorite esoteric fact?

I have lots of them, but Abraham Lincoln creating the Secret Service on the day he was shot is fun.

Q: Iron Shiek vs. Jose Canseco. Who ya got?

Depends: for Twitter entertainment or in a fight? Because you can’t beat the camel clutch in a fight. Well, you probably could. It’s one of the lamest finishing moves ever, even if it did give the Shiek the WWF title over Bob Backlund back in the day.

Q: Which happens first for Ron Gardenhire: heart attack arguing with an Umpire or Retirement?

Neither. I’m going with  “murdered by Aaron Gleeman.”

Q: What TV series is next for treadmill time?

I’m just about done with the first five seasons of “30 Rock,” so I will need something new soon. I’m thinking “Parks and Rec.”  No, I never watched it. I come to everything late. Though if “Dexter” is still on Netflix, I’ve heard good things.  Anyone who actually knows crap about TV can feel free to give me better recommendations. Must be on Netflix Instant, though.

Q: Would Bruce Wayne ever represent himself pro se?

Only a fool would represent themselves pro se.  In other news, I handled my divorce pro se.  I don’t see any connection here at all.

That’s it, folks. Thanks as always for the questions.

  1. allisonhagen - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:43 AM

    Considering I’ve commented that I think Kate Upton is hot, I think I’ll give you a pass and allow you to do the same, dude. It’s okay.

    • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:53 AM

      “I only regret that I have but one thumbs-up to give for this post.”

      -(not) Nathan Hale

  2. rollinghighwayblues - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:46 AM

    Craig, have you tried Rebecca Creek Whiskey? My friend was telling me about it yesterday and how it’s distilled outside of San Antone. Said its good stuff.

    • Craig Calcaterra - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:57 AM

      Yup. Liked it. Was a tad drunk when I had it, though, so not an ideal test.

      • allisonhagen - Mar 22, 2012 at 1:30 PM

        I got a bottle not long after we tried it and really enjoyed it. Need to buy it again sometime.

  3. El Bravo - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    1. “POISON” all. the. way. to. the . bank. {big butt and a smile}

    2. Netflix options: parks n rec is funny after season one and gets better throughout, dexter is awesome but only 2 seasons up for instant viewing, want you NEED to watch is The League. Football related sure, but trust me, not really. Also, Archer is hilarious. Finally, watch Weeds b/c there’s five seasons up I believe.

    • kopy - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:00 PM

      Those are all pretty good choices. There’s a season of “The Whitest Kids U Know” up that makes me laugh every time.

      Netflix needs to get some more options. I know they have a lot of TV, but I’m cruising through “Cheers” right now because I haven’t seen it since it was on (when I was a kid) and I feel I’ve watched everything else I’d enjoy.

      I also just watched “Reindeer Games” for the first time in my life. Netflix is so good to the 90s.

    • stlouis1baseball - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:12 PM

      No doubt…Poison it is.

    • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:23 PM

      The League

      Does it get better after the first couple of episodes? The wife and I started watching it on recommendations from her sister, and we didn’t think it was funny at all. Rest I agree with.

      • El Bravo - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM

        Keep watching. It really is much better later in that season. Season two is awesome. Season three is awesome-er.

  4. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:52 AM

    Have you done Breaking Bad already?

    • Craig Calcaterra - Mar 22, 2012 at 11:56 AM

      Yup. I’m all up to speed there.

      • stlouis1baseball - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:11 PM

        Please know had I known you were going to be in Indy I could have recommended several entertaining things to do. Next time…hit me up and I will set you up with an intenerary.

  5. phukyouk - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    Craig – even though opening day is scheduled for Apr. 5th. there is a series next week in Japan. Will you be doing an ATH the next day?
    Seriously… i need my ATH

  6. ss - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    Craig – watch Community. Start at the beginning. Even if you don’t love it because it’s hilarious, you’ll love it because one of the main characters who has Asperger’s (probably) dresses up like Batman. That sentence doesn’t read well. Take that sentence in the most positive and awesome way, as opposed to a sad and depressing way. Here’s a quote:

    “If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Where ever a party needs to be saved, I’m there. Where ever there are masks or if there’s tom foolery in joy, I’m there. But sometimes I’m not because I’m out there in the night staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping. No I can’t sleep. You sleep, I’m awake. I don’t sleep. I don’t blink. Am I a bird? No, I’m a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.”

  7. Baseball Beer Burritos In That Order - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    My best-of-the-decade list:

    Mad Men
    The Wire
    Parks and Rec
    30 Rock
    Party Down
    Eastbound and Down (although in truth, mostly just the first season)

    If you’ve missed any of those, I would recommend them highly.

    • scatterbrian - Mar 22, 2012 at 3:07 PM

      I’ll second Party Down. Only two seasons/20 episodes, and they’re all hilarious.

  8. jwbiii - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:18 PM

    Q: Couples that sit on the same side of the booth: annoying, right?

    Maybe the worst thing in the world. I am really, really irrational about this. I hate it like cancer.

    Sorry. Couples that it on the same of the booth lost to Wet socks.

  9. crazyyankee - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:20 PM

    craig – i read just about every post (and most on the weekends) and i missed any sniff about ‘the divorice’ and the new girlfriend. man. i’m sorry it did not work out. best of luck to you and your children. ive been married almost 11 years and i am hoping i dont fall into that statistic. ps i love the twitter question responses.

  10. philliesblow - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:23 PM

    Q: Which players from other sports (ignore those with actual baseball pasts) would be the best baseball players?

    I’ve heard stories of Gordie Howe putting on quite a show in batting practice at Tiger Stadium.

    • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:31 PM

      I’d love to see someone absurd like Lebron James or Megatron at bat, see what could happen if they got a hold of a 90+mph fastball.

      • zfreak666 - Mar 22, 2012 at 4:38 PM

        Megatron maybe but Lebron would have to lose the habit of flopping.

  11. churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:28 PM

    Besides: I’d probably have a heart attack or something.

    yeah but can you think of a better way to go? I can’t…

  12. Lukehart80 - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:30 PM

    Craig, if you watch “Dexter” and “Parks and Rec,” then determine that “Dexter” is the better of the two, please let me know, so that I might berate you on a daily basis for your terrible taste.

    Much appreciated.

  13. Spiro Agnew - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:33 PM

    I’m no expert, but doesn’t bourbon have to be from Kentucky to be considered bourbon?

    • stlouis1baseball - Mar 22, 2012 at 12:37 PM

      That’s also my understanding Spiro.

      • Kevin S. - Mar 22, 2012 at 1:40 PM

        Mine as well. While we’re on the subject of bourbon and whiskey, I want you all to do yourselves a favor and go try Compass Box Hedonism. Yes, it’s $25/glass. It’s also worth every penny.

    • acheron2112 - Mar 22, 2012 at 1:17 PM

      No, not necessarily. (Though Kentuckyans might disagree.) Just has to be made in the US somewhere, from mostly corn, and aged in new charred oak barrels.

  14. aceshigh11 - Mar 22, 2012 at 2:15 PM

    Oh, c’mon, Craig…

    Do you seriously mean to tell us that if, in some lunatic alternative universe where a 19-year old Kate Upton were actually into you (no offense), you WOULDN’T reciprocate because of the 20-year age difference?

    Just go for it, my man. You would be a LEGEND, and rightly so.

  15. Ace - Mar 22, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    I’m not expecting a lot of support on this one, since it’s not too well known in the States, but Peep Show is bar-none the funniest show I’ve ever seen (and it’s on Netflix instant!). It became my go-to Netflix show earlier this year, and once I had blown through the entire series, I just started right back at the beginning and watched it all again. Absolutely brilliant. Anyone with any fondness for British humour and/or gratuitous jokes about pooing really ought to give it a watch.

  16. racksie - Mar 22, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Craig: MI-5. British spy drama. Really amazing. They aren’t afraid to kill off their characters, and somehow, they get someone better in their place.

  17. Senor Cardgage - Mar 22, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    Parks and Rec is the best. Be aware, however, that it starts out uneven and doesn’t really find its groove until the sixth episode (the first season finale), so cut it a little slack until then.

    I also highly recommend Community, but be sure to watch it from the very beginning.

  18. dcfan4life - Mar 22, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    Some of the cable shows are really amazing. Game of Thrones is in another world, The Walking Dead was great this season, and shows like The Borgias, Spartacus, and Boardwalk empire are either great fun or well acted and scripted shows. Watched any of those?

  19. crazyyankee - Mar 22, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    craig – in case you did not see this. 1989 batmobile vs 1966 batmobile…in a race. and the flag girl isn’t that bad either

  20. zfreak666 - Mar 22, 2012 at 4:27 PM

    Eastbound and Down is awesome but you only have a couple of seasons in the bag.
    I just started watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and it’s hilariously wrong in many ways.

  21. mrfloydpink - Mar 22, 2012 at 4:30 PM

    Forgive the professional historian–specialist in U.S. Civil War–in me, but I should note in the interest of accuracy that the USSS was originally created to combat counterfeiting. So, if only Lincoln had signed the bill earlier, well…there would have been less fake money in circulation when he got shot anyhow.

    • Alex K - Mar 23, 2012 at 9:10 AM

      I just finished a book about the assasination of James Garfield, I was thinking about how the Secret Service wasn’t in the Presidential protection business for a lot of years after Lincoln was killed.

  22. groundruledoublebourbon - Mar 22, 2012 at 7:13 PM

    Craig –
    Off the wall tv suggestion: Prison Break. While incredibly far-fetched, really good suspense and plot. Never burned through a set of DVDs as fast as I did for the first few seasons of that show.

  23. foreverchipper10 - Mar 23, 2012 at 11:35 AM

    If The Walking Dead is available for streaming jump into it now. The most recent season just ended on Sunday. So effing good.

    Also, Wilkes-Barre? Really? Why were you here? If you have an upcoming trip out here (though I can’t imagine why) let me buy you a beer, or bourbon if you prefer.

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