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You asked me questions on Twitter. So I shall answer them.

Apr 18, 2012, 12:29 PM EDT

The Question

Another round of Twitter questions, some of which I held back for the next edition of HBT Extra. These, however, did not make the video cut. Which is cool, because as we all know, the non-video ones are usually more fun. Anyway:

Q: So…what would you say, ya do here?

Well look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to! I have people skills!

Q: Who’s your favorite?

I assume this was a question about The Women of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero,” so I’ll go with the Baroness because, wowza. I liked her way more than Scarlet or Lady Jaye. In other news, according to G.I. Joe canon, Lady Jaye is a Bryn Mawr graduate who did graduate work in Trinity College in Dublin, before going on to intelligence school. Yet she’s only a staff sergeant. Scarlett, meanwhile, graduated college summa cum laude and went to law school and she’s only a master sergeant. What’s up with that? Women can’t be officers in G.I. Joe? What a crock.

Q: Why is there no love for Batgirl? Who wouldn’t want a hot chick that could bar brawl with you?

Ask me after I answer this next question …

Q: Tigers and Braves in playoffs, not playing each other, but at the same time. Do you give up the good TV to me? Think about it.

That question came from my girlfriend, who is a Tigers blogger. When she finds out that I’d make her watch Detroit up in the back room on the old TV that’s hooked up to the kids’ Wii, I may very well find out what it’s like to have a hot chick bar brawling with me. Been nice knowin’ you guys.

Q: Commissioner of the day: you are allowed to pardon one for entry to HoF, Shoeless Joe Jackson or Pete Rose? And why.

Jackson. Because even if they dug up his dry, dead bones, propped them up on stage and had famous ventriloquist Jeff Dunham shove his hand up his backside and speak for him, his induction speech would be more dignified than Rose’s.

Q: When will the Chicago Cubs win the World Series?

2018. Prove me wrong.

Q: How do you really feel about football bloggers writing about baseball? It was tough to tell from your post today.

In case you missed it. But I found something even better than football writers taking on baseball. Football fans coming into baseball blog threads and accusing people who like baseball of being “butthurt,” which is a word that they apparently hand out like free candy at football fan school. What we’re supposed to be “butthurt” over I’m not sure, though based on context I assume it’s baseball’s relative unpopularity compared to football. Which is an interesting insight given that these comments always come in response to arguments that football’s greater popularity is actually a drawback rather than a benefit or is, at the very least, irrelevant. But maybe I’m wrong to think that’s interesting. Perhaps my butthurtedness is just blinding me.

Q: What question would you most like asked?

Something that would give me an excuse to troll Phillies fans, preferably about Ryan Howard.

Q: Ryan Howard hasn’t struck out once this season, or made a single error at 1B. Still think his $125M extension was a mistake?

Wow, someone did the trolling for me in the question! You guys are awesome!

Q: What troubled MLB franchise would Dennis Rodman save?

The New York Yankees. They’ve been around forever. They haven’t really changed. They have no excitement about them at all. This, I’m told by football partisans, is a horrible thing, so clearly they need Rodman to drag them into the late 20th century.

Q: Why do Baby Boomers hate me and my fellow millenials?

That’s totally unfair. We Gen-Xers hate you and your fellow millenials too. It’s a jealousy thing, though. You guys text way faster than we can.

Q: Do you like candy?

It’s dandy, but …

Q: Do you have to work at being a D-bag, or does it come natural?

Come now, if I was really a D-bag I’d note that your use of the word “natural” is improper and that you should have gone with an adverb there. But I won’t do that, because I’m not a D-bag.

Q: Why does Dusty Baker hate me? And Aroldis Chapman? And Devin Mesoraco? And Chris Heisey?

You know what you did.

Q: Should Dusty Baker Insert himself in the cleanup spot in the Reds batting order?

Only if he can’t find Kal Daniels’ number.

Q: Should Cadet Kirk really have been awarded a commendation for original thinking?

Referring to this, of course. And you’re right, maybe he should have been punished for cheating. But given that he slept his way through an entire female cadet class and was never disciplined for harassment or moral turpitude, we all know that they were never gonna do anything to him. If he had killed another cadet while trying to execute a Kolvoord Starburst like Wesley Crusher did, Kirk probably would have gotten a commendation too.

Q: Best pizza in Columbus?

Pizza in Columbus is pretty dire. There is a local type of pizza — not good enough to make it a neat regional thing, but prevalent enough to squeeze out actually good pizza — that I’ll call “Columbus Style Pizza” as a shorthand. Columbus Style Pizza is a thin crust thing, pushed mostly by local chain Donato’s. It’s always cut in little squares, not proper slices. It can be done well by some local places (think crispier crust) but it’s often found on soft stale cracker crust and doesn’t hold up to anything approaching a decent topping load.

Worst of all, it doesn’t scratch the itch for good, triangle-cut pie. I mean, I realize this is Columbus and we’re not going to get New York quality here, but it’s almost impossible to find decent, traditional pizza that doesn’t come from a chain. Even Sbarro’s is an improvement compared to what we normally get.

If I must get something besides my local Columbus Style (which at least my kids like), I’ll go to a place down on Ohio State’s campus called Flying Pizza, which is at least in the neighborhood of New York style pizza. Though I’m guessing New Yorkers wouldn’t have the highest opinion of it.

Q: How are you celebrating Chipper’s 40th birthday next Tuesday?

Not getting pizza, that’s for damn sure.

Q: Odds the Cardinals repeat?

Q: Why can’t baseball be more like the NFL?

I guess we’re just stuck in the past, man. We can’t get beyond our 126 square-inch prison!

Q: Tim & Eric: Great Job or Greatest Job?

Great job! (it’s an awesome show)

Q: Why was the DH created and why only AL?

Social experiment created by the auto industry to see if Americans would accept a big, bloated, slow-moving product with superficial performance advantages that, in reality, no one really needed in the first place. This led directly to the SUV explosion in the 1990s.  The NL was used as a control group.

Q: Why was Kris Medlen pitching 2 innings in a 8-2 game? Is Fredi saving Livan’s arm?

Fredi knows that none of us have a memory and that later in the season when Medlen is gassed he can say “hey, I had to use him in close games early” and no one will call him on it.

Q: What do you think is the difference between this year’s J-Hey compared to last year?

Injuries, really. I know that’s often used as an excuse, but he was hurt more than most people realized. Wrist troubles kill a guy who depends on whiplike bat speed like him.

Q: Ratio of serious questions to sarcastic?

Better this week than usual, but that’s not saying much.

Q: What would be your at bat music?

This little ditty.  I’d make Mike Hargrove look like a rank amateur.

Q: You have to demolish one of these stadiums -Fenway or Wrigley? And why?

Fenway. I like it when people say things like “that’s a wicked pissah!” They’re so cute.

Q: Henry Rollins Era, or First Four Years. Your answer to this is of the utmost importance.

I have this feeling based on the questioner and the way it was put that the correct answer should be First Four Years. But I ain’t gonna lie: I wasn’t that damn cool back in the day and I had never heard of Black Flag prior to Henry Rollins being in it. Likewise, I was never so into Black Flag that I felt it necessary to go back and find the older, pre-Hank stuff. I owned “Damaged” on cassette and loved it and I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t, even if Rollins became something of a clown later on.

Q: On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about Tim Lincecum?


Q: Favorite Muppet?

That mad bomber guy. Mostly out of pity. Thanks to a bunch of idiot terrorists he was marginalized for years. I was really happy to see that he made it back for that new Muppet movie.

Q: Would you rather have Liberty Media spring for outfield lighting banks at Turner or on fielders that can catch popups?

The lights. Because  given how much Dan Uggla cost them already, I can’t imagine the price for a second baseman who can actually field his position. It’s likely prohibitive. And since going over budget gives Liberty Media the vapors — and since there is no room in the budget for anti-vapors medication, at least not this quarter — we simply can’t have that.

Q: Why is Fredi still manager of the Braves? 

No room in the budget for cardboard boxes designated for desk-clearing purposes. And Staples is really wanting too much for the paper on which the pink slips are printed. If there’s a sale sometime this summer, however, Fredi had best watch out.

Q: Over/under 1.5 seasons for Bobby V as Sox manager.

Under. Just a feeling.

Q: Why eat pie when ice cream exists?

Because of à la mode? Because you can either subject yourself to false choices or you must die a fiery and awful death?

Q: If you had one recurring event in your life that would activate something like the Marlins HR feature, what would it be?

When I write a tweet that is exactly 140 characters the first time I write it, with no awkward abbreviations and whatnot. That’s a solid, solid feeling in need of overly-demonstrative celebration.

Q: My brother, @TimsNeighbor , was accepted to Emory Law School today. Bourbon of choice for celebration? Can’t say Makers.

Congrats, TimsNeighbor. Who was literally a tool once upon a time and now will be a lawyer. Oh well, we can’t all progress in life. Bourbon: treat yourself to some Ranger Creek. It’s not from Kentucky, but it’s good bourbon. And very different than Makers if that’s not your thing.

Q: Is Aaron Gleeman more Aquaman or more Robin? Or am I completely off the mark?

He’s Steve Arlo to my Daryl Zero. Except I don’t do as much meth and would never have been able to call that bluff about the Corrodium 3 deduction.

Q: Who would you choose to start a game 7 of the WS that was active anytime between 1976-1982 and why?

Hmm. Tough one. Gonna go with Phil Niekro. Not because he’s necessarily the most effective. Rather, because Game 7’s make me nervous, and at least with Niekro we’d know early if the knuckleball was working. If it wasn’t I could turn off the game early and save myself the heartache.

Q: Beatles or Stones?

See the above question about false choices.  When I feel like a badass I listen to Beggar’s Banquet-Exile Stones, and there may be nothing better in the world.  When I want beauty and wonderfulness in my life I listen to any number of Beatles records.  We can all get along, people. We can all get along.

Thanks, all.  More next week.

  1. Lukehart80 - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:47 PM

    No, that’s a “W-2.” “WW2” was the second World War.

  2. heyblueyoustink - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:47 PM

    Ice cream is the dessert of the people. Call me when pie gets a fleet of trucks…..

    • antlerclaws - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:53 PM

      Pie has never given me a brain freeze, as ice cream savagely has.

      • heyblueyoustink - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:09 PM

        Ice Cream requires a finely tuned sense of timing and good hand eye coordination. Too slow and it melts, too fast and you are punished. You just need more practice!

        And hot pie can scald one’s mouth, the nefarious pot pie is a true conneisseur of leaving scarred tissue in the mouth for days……damn deceptive crust.

      • b7p19 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:13 PM

        Whoa! Pot pie does NOT have a crust. Pot pie is a stew with big, think, undercooked noodles. It is a pie by name only. Also, ice cream is nothing more than a sidekick to a warm apple pie. Ice Cream is the David Eckstein to Pie’s Albert Pujols.

      • heyblueyoustink - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:22 PM

        Hey bub, do you hear that sound in the wind? It’s the sound of an army of trucks, ice cream trucks. *That’s* what we got, a world wide fleet of them. And a stand in nearly every shopping center and mall in the world.

        Pie gets a box.

        Who’s the sidekick here, really? 😉

        ( never had nodles in a pot pie before )

      • Alex K - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:40 PM

        You’ve also probably never had pie at a ballgame. They don’t sully those little batting helmets with that filth.

    • Utley's Hair - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:08 PM

      Nothing goes better with ice cream than CAKE—and you don’t feel you have to warm it up like you do with (pie).

      • heyblueyoustink - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:32 PM

        Cake and ice cream is a holy union!

        ( Been fine btw Hair, we had the system conversion from hell, SAP, thus my hands have been full just trying to conduct business as usual )

      • Alex K - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:35 PM

        Ice cream recognizes cake as a very good dessert. pie is not worth our time. I’m with you Hair.

    • Alex K - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:33 PM

      Here, Here! I’m glad my question helped me find my ice cream brethren!

  3. rollinghighwayblues - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:52 PM

    Well, Craig, you’re just a Texas spirit aficionado, aren’t you? I’ll have to do some browsing for this Ranger Creek that you speak of.

    Since we’re on the subject, what’s your take on Weller’s? I can’t seem to put it down.

  4. chrisdtx - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    Ha! You aced the Black Flag test. First Four Years people are hipster doofuses. Though the Keith Morris songs are pretty good.

  5. allisonhagen - Apr 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM

    That’s fine, baby. I’ll just grab your Amex when the hypothetical playoff schedule comes out and take myself on a little trip to the game so I can see it in person! While I’m at it I’ll upgrade the TV, too. No worries.

  6. billobrienschindimple - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:01 PM

    Wrong. If a whiskey is not from Kentucky it cannot be called a bourbon. Similar to champagne and tequila, the region the beverage is made in determines its title.

    I would recommend Basil Hayden’s or Knob Creek.

    • Craig Calcaterra - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:13 PM

      Wrong, sir. Wrong! Bourbon need not come from Kentucky:

      • phukyouk - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:34 PM

        CRAP! craig – can you please tell me which movie that quote is from.. i can see the guy yelling “Wrong, sir. Wrong!” but i cannot put my finger on it

      • Utley's Hair - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:44 PM

      • phukyouk - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:44 PM

        Nevermind… i figured it out.

  7. pkswally024 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:02 PM

    Q: On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about Tim Lincecum?


    Hahaha. He pitched better before he got caught smoking the reefer.

    • aceshigh11 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:07 PM


      What is this? Back to the Future?

      • b7p19 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:15 PM

        Littering and…

      • Tim's Neighbor - Apr 18, 2012 at 3:31 PM

        You are freaking out… man.

    • umrguy42 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:21 PM

      b7p19: …creating a public nuisance?

  8. hushbrother - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:02 PM

    The First Duty of every baseball blogger is to be a D-bag.

    • WhenMattStairsIsKing - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:34 PM

      Hahaha…you said “duty.”

  9. umrguy42 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:10 PM

    Your “Columbus Style Pizza” sounds kinda like St. Louis-style pizza: . Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, though from the sounds of it, CSP could be even worse…

  10. Utley's Hair - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:12 PM

    Did I miss when this post was changed from thThursday to Wednesday? I need to know, because I set my clock—or at least the day part of my watch—to it.

  11. WhenMattStairsIsKing - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:35 PM

    Your favorite Muppet should be Swedish Chef, Craig.

    • cur68 - Apr 19, 2012 at 12:12 AM

      I would have thought it would have been Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: they have the same haircut and glasses. Instead he goes for the hairy insane guy with the bomb plunger. This is as unaccountable as his bromance for Jack Cust., IMO.

  12. Alex K - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:42 PM


    • Tim's Neighbor - Apr 18, 2012 at 3:30 PM


  13. dexterismyhero - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:45 PM

    Hot Apple Pie and Breyers Vanilla Bean Ice Cream on top in a huge bowl!!!!!!

    • Alex K - Apr 18, 2012 at 2:20 PM

      Why mess up the ice cream?

  14. philly56 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:47 PM

    I actually lived in Columbus for a number of years and I noticed that too – what the hell is the appeal of a thin pizza cut into little squares, so that no “slice” has a crust?  Now that’s just plain stupid, and Donatos is junk.  But, be that as it may, the best pizza I have ever had came from a place in Columbus called Minuteman Pizza. They don’t do the stupid square cut thing (unless you asked them to I suppose), and the grilled chicken and jalapeno pepper pizza I always ordered was so good I’ve tried to replicate it at a dozen different places and nobody even came close. One of the few things I miss about Columbus actually.

  15. hasbeen5 - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:52 PM

    I’m a millennial, and I hate most other millennials.

    • - Apr 18, 2012 at 3:53 PM

      I’m OK with most Millenials, it’s their Helicopter Parents I have a hard time dealing with.

  16. benjdwilson - Apr 18, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    No love for Adriatico’s?! While it doesn’t quite fit the NY-style label it applies to itself, it is a damn fine pizza!

    • Craig Calcaterra - Apr 18, 2012 at 2:00 PM

      I love Adriaticos. Totally forgot about it. It’s down on campus, and I rarely get there so it totally slipped my mind.

  17. sdelmonte - Apr 18, 2012 at 2:00 PM

    – Oooooo, a Zero Effect reference. I will take that film over the new BBC Sherlock any day.

    – I think that for some reason, every last GI Joe member was a noncomm except for General Hawk. You would have to ask Larry Hama, who wrote all those bios for Hasbro (and also wrote the Marvel comic) why this is the case.

  18. stmccull - Apr 18, 2012 at 2:02 PM

    > If I must get something besides my local Columbus Style (which at least my kids like), I’ll go to a place down on Ohio State’s campus called Flying Pizza, which is at least in the neighborhood of New York style pizza. Though I’m guessing New Yorkers wouldn’t have the highest opinion of it.

    Is that the one on High Street? It’s not fantastic, but I think you’re right. It’s likely the best I’ve seen out here.

    Every time I go to see my family in New York, my wife knows to expect at least one side trip to get good pizza, and another trip to get bagels. I keep waiting for someone to bring those things out here and get rich, but it hasn’t happened yet..

  19. billobrienschindimple - Apr 18, 2012 at 4:46 PM

    You sir, are victorious. I concede defeat.

  20. paul621 - Apr 18, 2012 at 5:30 PM

    Wait– you don’t do “as much” meth? How much meth do you do?

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