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Police question the woman found tied-up in Aroldis Chapman’s hotel room

May 31, 2012, 11:00 AM EDT

chapman getty Getty Images

The plot thickens in the weird Aroldis Chapman hotel robbery case. The woman who was found tied up in his room was questioned by police yesterday. And then she was released to her husband. Which is all well and good except:

Mr. Chapman, a 24-year-old left-handed pitcher, told police that he and Ms. Manrique recently started dating after meeting in the Baltimore area.

Well, that’s awkward.

As is the whole robbery scenario itself, as the linked story goes to great lengths to explain how stringent security is at the hotel in question.  Reading between the lines, one almost gets the sense that the reporter was getting fed some background by police and/or hotel security who are skeptical of the woman’s story and want to communicate that they do not believe that some random act of criminality occurred. I’m guessing more will come of this.

As for Chapman: in the past two weeks he has either been explicitly or implicitly accused of being a reckless driver, a home-wrecker and a tool of the communists in an effort to carry out political persecutions.  At this point I got even money that Chapman is running a panda smuggling operation out of his apartment or something. He’s likely got grifts going all up and down the Ohio Valley.

As for this crime in question: I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about… I’ve got information man! New s— has come to light! And s—… man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it… a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that’s cool… that’s, that’s cool, I’m, I’m saying, she needs money, man. And of course they’re going to say that they didn’t get it, because… she wants more, man! She’s got to feed the monkey, I mean uh… hasn’t that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

Yeah.

  1. cmutimmah - May 31, 2012 at 11:08 AM

    nice Big L reference. Exactly what I was thinking. And you know what… this aggression… will… not… stand, man!

    • randall351 - May 31, 2012 at 12:08 PM

      This isn’t Nam, Walter, there are rules.

      Love that movie. You just went up a rung on the cool ladder with that reference, Craig.
      Well played, sir.

  2. cur68 - May 31, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    Looks like the work of ‘effin amateurs to me. You don’t leave witnesses. ‘Effin amateurs.

    • cur68 - May 31, 2012 at 11:24 AM

      Oh yeah, nearly forgot: ‘effin Dusty Baker. Dang you to heck, Dusty!

  3. Alex K - May 31, 2012 at 11:17 AM

    And now my day has been made. I’m a sucker for the Big Lebowski, man.

  4. frankvzappa - May 31, 2012 at 11:23 AM

    That had not occurred to us, dude.

  5. purnellmeagrejr - May 31, 2012 at 11:26 AM

    Simple explanation – to do list – 1.) remember celll phone charger -check
    2.) leave tip for rooom service – check
    3.) hang up wet towellls in bathrooom -check
    4.) untie woman —- whooops!

  6. brianmoline - May 31, 2012 at 11:30 AM

    Well played, Craig. Well played indeed. Just remember that nobody f’s with the Jesus.

  7. RedHeadedBastard - May 31, 2012 at 11:30 AM

    Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax…

    • number42is1 - May 31, 2012 at 12:17 PM

      I’m SHOMER FUCKING SHABBAS MAN!

  8. churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - May 31, 2012 at 11:41 AM

    Guess I need to finally watch the Big Lebowski. Read that entire rant in Dennis Hopper’s voice from Apocalypse Now =\

    • Old Gator - Jun 1, 2012 at 12:05 AM

      This is an essential aspect of cinema literacy. Yes, you must watch it. Preferably, in shorts, sandals and a beer stained t-shirt.

  9. Chris Fiorentino - May 31, 2012 at 11:45 AM

    This line never fails to crack me up…especially when the cop throw the mug at the Dude’s head…

    Malibu Police Chief: …I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

    The Dude: [after a pause] I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.

    • Old Gator - May 31, 2012 at 12:09 PM

      And stay out of our beachfront community!

    • jdd428 - May 31, 2012 at 6:06 PM

      Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women.

      • Old Gator - Jun 1, 2012 at 12:06 AM

        RIP Ben Gazzara. He could show up on screen for three minutes, seem to do almost nothing, and you never forget it. You should have seen him on stage in NY as Yogi Berra. Incredible performance.

  10. rootsrockreggae1 - May 31, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    Man…dude….I like ol chap but what the hell is he doin…I don’t know what to make of this shit

  11. cshearing - May 31, 2012 at 11:50 AM

    Great, now I want a White Russian.

  12. chill1184 - May 31, 2012 at 11:59 AM

    Has Chapman passed Ozzie Guillen in entertainment value this season? I think so.

    • Old Gator - Jun 1, 2012 at 12:08 AM

      In order to pass Slobbering Ozzie in entertainment value, you would have to get by him on the left into oncoming traffic on a blind curve on a road frequented by tandem trailer lumber trucks. Good luck.

  13. nolanwiffle - May 31, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon…..with nail polish! These f’ing amateurs….

  14. Old Gator - May 31, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    If he’s smuggling pandas, they should throw the book at him. We have our hands full with invasive species as it is. Pandas are horrible. They can reduce your beautiful bamboo garden to sticks in no time. I have to spend hours every month spraying my bamboo to eradicate the little bastards. And what’s worse, they lay thousands of eggs. You turn over a bamboo leaf and see all those little tiny black and white spots – well, you can kiss your Japanese meditation garden goodbye, you know? They’ll leave nothing over but the stalks and rocks and the pegged rake. If you’re the organic type, you have to work even harder, washing every leaf with oil soap. Pandas suck. They’re not as bad as meerkats, granted, but they still suck. It’s even worse if you don’t do cute.

    • cur68 - May 31, 2012 at 12:33 PM

      No mercy for panda ranchers, eh?

      • Old Gator - May 31, 2012 at 12:54 PM

        None. I find them entirely too vaginal.

    • Panda Claus - May 31, 2012 at 1:18 PM

      Pandas are horrible? I beg your pardon.

      Some feel the same about gators you know.

      Oh never mind, I probably took this out of context.

  15. WhenMattStairsIsKing - May 31, 2012 at 12:22 PM

    “I’m staying. I’m finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.” ~ Chapman

  16. seanthegreatest - May 31, 2012 at 12:26 PM

    Obviously, you’re not a golfer.

  17. nightman13 - May 31, 2012 at 12:28 PM

    One of my favorite things to do is send a text to my buddy who drives a Honda Element asking him if he’s in his car. He almost always responds “No.” To which I respond with, “YOU’rRE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT DONNY.”

    Obviously we are both Lebowski Fans

    • nolanwiffle - May 31, 2012 at 12:37 PM

      ….calmer than you, Dude.

  18. paperlions - May 31, 2012 at 12:34 PM

    Chapman is versatile, he can fill so many roles….wear so many hats…and the Reds still won’t let him start…what more does he have to do?

  19. darthicarus - May 31, 2012 at 12:37 PM

    Any truth to the rumor a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey was found on the bedside table?

    • Old Gator - Jun 1, 2012 at 12:09 AM

      I don’t know, but new information is developing….

  20. joshfrancis50 - May 31, 2012 at 1:10 PM

    Also, let’s not forget – let’s *not* forget, Dude – that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city – that aint legal either.

  21. AlohaMrHand - May 31, 2012 at 1:12 PM

    Marv Chapman? YES!!!!!

  22. seanthegreatest - May 31, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    That rug really tied the room together

  23. ezthinking - May 31, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    The Dude: It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh…
    Donny: I am the walrus.
    The Dude: You know what I’m trying to say…
    Donny: I am the walrus.
    Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch…
    The Dude: Oh yeah!
    Donny: I am the walrus.
    Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
    Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

  24. charlutes - May 31, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    What did you think she was doing there? lol.

  25. number42is1 - May 31, 2012 at 3:54 PM

    you see what happens when you fu*k a stanger in the ass?

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