Jul 16, 2012, 8:22 AM EST
I stopped doing these for some reason. Sorta forgot about them. But it seemed like a lot happened this weekend, so for those of you with lives that don’t entail them being tied to the Internet all weekend, here’s what you missed:
- Bill James doubles down on the Joe Paterno defense. It’s like watching a car crash at this point.
- The Dbacks have told Justin Upton that they might sell low on a hitter who could quite conceivably be a Hall of Fame talent (i.e. that they might trade him now).
- Bobby Valentine needs to stop talking about Kevin Youkilis. I know, I know: I had you at “stop talking.”
- That’s SIR Bam Bam to you, peasants.
- Strikeouts are fascist and, besides, just because you get a lot of them doesn’t mean you’ll win.
- Lenny Dykstra pleads guilty. I guess even Lenny Dykstra looked at all the stuff Lenny Dykstra did and said “damn.”
- Todd Helton has a hip injury. Broken? Get it? Because Todd Helton is old and old people break their hips. Hahahaha … eh, uh. Sorry.
- You laugh at Juan Pierre over “cybergenics” now, but wait until he has a book out about it, builds it into a big cult-like religion and then only he and his followers are saved from ancient aliens or whateverthehell.
- Bryce Harper made the Marlins look dumb. Then Ozzie Gullien made them look dumber.
- The Indians aren’t expecting Grady Sizemore back. This is not a repeat from 2011, 2010 or 2009.
- Ryan Dempster keeps blankin’ them.
- The Braves traded for a shortstop. If there was any cosmic justice it would have been a package for Elvis Andrus, Neftali Feliz and Matt Harrison in exchange for some slugger that stinks. But I suppose Paul Janish will do as a stop-gap.
- Another player goes to the DL after punching something. Boy, we’re sure raising them stupid these days.
- Adrian Gonzalez learns an important lesson: children are awful, always.
- Tommy John surgery could have been Sandy Koufax surgery. And I guess Sandy Koufax could have been a Tannana-esque soft tosser into the mid-to-late 1970s. That would have been odd.
- Spike Lee caught Mark Teixeira’s bat. Teixeira did the right thing and autographed it.
- A couple of times a year I say that
fake to first, throw to thirdI meant fake to third, throw to first play never works. Then, a couple of times a year, it works. This was one of those times.
- My god, that kid is fast.
And now, into the week in which some trades may go down. I mean ones bigger than Paul Janish.
- Blue Jays sign Dayan Viciedo to a minor league deal 8
- Chris Sale will be sidelined for three weeks with foot fracture 11
- Aramis Ramirez says 2015 will be his last year 32
- Francisco Rodriguez re-signs with the Brewers 9
- If addiction is an illness — and it is — Josh Hamilton shouldn’t be suspended 305
- Pirates open to massive extension for Andrew McCutchen 18
- Report: Josh Hamilton had a relapse this offseason that “involved at least cocaine” 86
- Yankees don’t plan on having to pay A-Rod’s $30 million in home run milestone bonuses 52
- If addiction is an illness — and it is — Josh Hamilton shouldn’t be suspended (305)
- San Francisco — and all of California — will consider a smokeless tobacco ban that includes MLB parks (131)
- Brian Sabean says that California taxes are a hindrance to the Giants signing free agents (102)
- Ichiro is happy to be away from Joe Girardi (88)
- Report: Josh Hamilton had a relapse this offseason that “involved at least cocaine” (86)