Jul 18, 2012, 6:12 AM EST
Angels/Giants 22, Tigers/Braves 0: So, I’m a Braves fan and my girlfriend is a Tigers fans and each of our teams got the crap beat out of them last night. So we agreed that baseball sucks and decided to watch downloaded “Parks and Recreation” episodes instead. Good call, yes? I mean, Mike Trout and Buster Posey are good, but they’re not as good as Aubrey Plaza representing the moon in a model U.N.
Reds 4, Diamondbacks 0: We don’t know any Diamondbacks fans or else we would have let them watch TV with us too. I mean, if your team got shutout last night, you probably should have been watching different TV instead.
Nationals 5, Mets 4: The Mets bullpen can do it all. If you need them to blow leads in the ninth inning: they got you covered. Tenth? Hey, they can do that for you too. They can give up RBI singles and triples. They can throw wild pitches with the bases loaded. Really, there’s no job too small for the New York relief corps
Yankees 6, Blue Jays 1: CC Sabathia returns and pitches six shutout innings. So, all that happened with the big man gone was that the Yankees built the biggest lead in all of baseball and they got their ace rested some for late in the season.
Marlins 9, Cubs 5: The Ozzie returns to Chicago. This was fun: Cubs fans booed him during a pitching change in the eighth inning. So Guillen pointed toward his ring finger, telling the Wrigley faithful that unlike the Cubbies, he has a World Series ring. God, I love Ozzie sometimes. Carlos Lee had a grand slam in a five-run fifth inning for the Fish.
Mariners 9, Royals 6: Ryan Verdugo didn’t scare anyone. He was lit up for six runs on eight hits in an inning and two-thirds in his major league debut. I mean, Vin Mazzaro came in and mopped up for the guy. And he’s sort of like a harbinger of death.
Phillies 3, Dodgers 2: Halladay returns. He only went five innings and didn’t figure in the decision, but he struck out six. It took five relievers to go the final four innings, but dadgummit, they held on.
Twins 6, Orioles 4: Three hits and an RBI for Joe Mauer, as the Twins knock off the fading Orioles. Zach Britton walked six guys. The Orioles got lucky with starting pitching in the early part of the season. Now it’s freefall city.
Pirates 6, Rockies 2: Andrew McCutchen homered. The Pirates notch their 50th win. I still don’t buy them as winning the central, but I think they can do better than 31-41 the rest of the way and get that sub-.500 monkey off their back.
- Royals sign Edinson Volquez for two years, $20 million 20
- Rays, Padres, Nationals agree to 11-player trade 75
- Sergio Romo re-signs with the Giants for $15 million 13
- So, apparently we’re sweating the Matt Kemp physical now 45
- The United States will seek to normalize relations with Cuba 141
- Marlins complete Michael Morse deal: two years, $16 million 18
- Padres, Rays, Mariners discussing trade involving Wil Myers 36
- It is perfectly clear that A-Rod is the Yankees’ DH. At best. So there will be no drama, right? 37
- Baseball’s highest-ranking Hispanic woman employee sues for discrimination (163)
- The United States will seek to normalize relations with Cuba (143)
- Cubs, Red Sox, Dodgers, Padres, Rangers, and Astros interested in Phillies’ Cole Hamels (110)
- Done Deal: Yoenis Cespedes and two players traded to Detroit for Rick Porcello and a minor leaguer (105)
- Chase Headley signs a four-year deal with the Yankees worth at least $52 million. (95)