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Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Oakland

Jul 20, 2012, 8:23 AM EDT

This is dog

What? You were expecting a “dog days” headline? Please. We have standards around here.

The paid attendance for last night’s Yankees-A’s game was 23,382. There were 718 freeloaders, however:

It was a rare dog day of summer for the Yankees, who still owned the best record in baseball (57-35) after a night in which 718 dogs attended the game as the A’s attempted to set a Guinness World Record for most canines at a sporting event. They will submit their total to Guinness.

They’d try it with cats, but cats have far too much dignity to be used by their owners in such a craven manner. Cats are basically the pie of house pets while dogs are cake.  I mean, dogs are great. I love a good dog. But cats are clearly superior. It’s just science and I will accept no argument against such conclusive and fundamental truths.

Anyway, on the hierarchy of records, this falls someplace below “fattest twins” and somewhere above bee beards and world’s most crooked street.  Meanwhile, Robert Wadlow looks down from heaven, safe in the knowledge that no one will ever be more closely associated with the Guinness Book than he.

  1. ajcardsfan - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:35 AM

    I live 10 miles from where Wadlow lived; I’d like to think he was the Tallest Cardinals fan ever

    • ajcardsfan - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:41 AM

      Also, Craig, you had to post that damned photo…for anybody that’s around my age and knows the “Call me maybe” meme, now has that song stuck in their head

      • foreverchipper10 - Jul 20, 2012 at 3:14 PM

        Call me maybe meme? I must find this.

  2. Phillies Homer - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:35 AM

    I’m able to stomach reading your articles even though you are a Braves fan… but, I may have to lay off this site for awhile if you think cats are superior to dogs. I don’t think I will be able to handle that.

    My sister in law was in afghanistan for 3 months. We were at her house when she arrived home… She has two cats who, as she walked in the door… stared in their corner with smug looks on their faces like “Oh… it’s you… you going to put food in my bowl?”

    I was away for two days on a golfing trip with my brother and father… and came home to a dog that acted like I’ve been gone for years, so excited that I came thru the door.

    Point of the story… Cats are just there… eat food and sh*t… they serve no purpose. Dogs are man’s best friend!

    • Craig Calcaterra - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:37 AM

      So the value of a pet is in how obsequious they are to you? It’s all about making you feel special? How sad.

      • Craig Calcaterra - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:38 AM

        And yes, I realize I am going to piss everyone on the planet off with this cat/dog stuff. :-) Kinda the point.

      • Phillies Homer - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:56 AM

        What’s the purpose of a pet if they aren’t fun to be around? With my dog it’s an excuse to get out of the house… teach her tricks… and is just generally entertaining to own one.

        Why do you have a cat… what does it do for you? In my opinion, people that own cats are lazy. They want a pet, but don’t want to do any of the work that comes with owning an animal. If that’s what you mean by superior, than, touche’.

      • heyblueyoustink - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:00 AM

        You can teach cats tricks, homer. And because of their natural better balance and agility, you sometimes get better tricks out of them.

      • ditto65 - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:58 AM

        First, no ATH yesterday, now this feline superiority Bullshit? You are really pissing me off, Calcaterra. Pissing me off…

      • anxovies - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:59 PM

        My ex-wife’s cats always made me feel special by walking all over me when I was trying to do something that takes concentration, or clawing the furniture, or, my special favorite, jumping on my chest and sticking their ass is my face. The wife is long gone and no cats stayed behind and lived to tell about it.

    • Craig Calcaterra - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:06 AM

      Cats are calming. Mine sits on my lap and curly up next to me all the time. He’s sitting next to me as I write this. They are peaceful presences.

      I’ve had cats since I was a kid. They just make me happy.

      • proudlycanadian - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:23 AM

        I saw something very unusual at an outdoor concert in a city park last night. There were many dogs on leashes, but there was also one cat on a leash faithfully following its owners past the stage.

      • Phillies Homer - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:24 AM

        “So the value of a pet is in how {insert fancy word for cuddly} they are to you? It’s all about making you feel special? How sad.”

        Couldn’t resist. But, it does give you a sense of ease when your pet uses you as a pillow. We can agree on that. Though, dogs are far superior!

      • alang3131982 - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:41 AM

        We have a dog and a cat. they are equal parts awesome. Our cat isnt as much of a lap cat as we’d like, but she jumps and scratches and loves hair ties. When she curls up behind my knees to sleep, it’s very cozy.

        Our dog is similarly loving. She finds ways to become a perfect ball next to us on teh couch and weasels her way in between us in bed. She also is fun to take places and does help with exercise and makes it fun to be outside.

        Cats and dogs have tons of pluses, no minuses i see, but saying one is better than the other is like picking between Brooks and Frank Robinson

      • natslady - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:16 AM

        My cat follows me everywhere (including the bathroom), and jumps up on her special table to get petted when I come in the door. If I don’t pet her enough, she reaches out her paw for more. This kitty won’t tolerate a collar, but I taught every other cat I owned to walk on a leash, and, boy, is it fun when the tourists stare at me ‘n the cat, because, y’know, they don’t have cats in Kansas.

      • natslady - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:21 AM

        P.S., no offense to people (or cats) in Kansas. I realize that it is tourists’ job to come here, stare at monuments and people walking cats, and ask for directions.

      • cur68 - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:30 AM

        The best cats are the ones that act a little like dogs. I knew such a cat when I was a kid. I miss him very much.

  3. heyblueyoustink - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:45 AM

    ” I love a good dog. But cats are clearly superior.”

    I have both, and this is what came to mind:

    When it comes to the human, yes, the cat holds a superior position. But from all i’ve seen, when the dog decides it’s done with this superiority shit and goes all Bastille Day on the cat, the jig is up, and that cat runs like any other rat, possum, or child support owing parent who knows when the dog shows their teeth, you can shove your “superior” you know where.

    • proudlycanadian - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:30 AM

      Not so sure about that. Once at a get together at a condo, my cat (Lancelot) wandered in. The resident dog took offence. My cat made a hiss that everyone including the dog understood. “Make one move buddy and I will rip you to shreds”. He would have too. The dog disappeared. A lot depends on the personality of the cat and the dog.

      • heyblueyoustink - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:17 AM

        I got three cats, two dogs. When my heeler decided he’s putting the cats away, believe me, they go where he drives them to, hissing or not. When my blind cat is chasing a tasty bug, he’ll normally get iti, until my hound heeler mix decides she’d rather have it. guess who wins that battle superiority.

  4. drewmunny - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:45 AM

    Hmmm…. Yesterday there was a reference to “first world problems,” today I see the forever-hilarious “Hello, Yes, this is Dog” meme. Perhaps its a stretch, but I’m starting to wonder if our host is not only a blogger but a fellow redditor.

    (my apologies to the hivemind for going off-topic and not having anything to do with baseball in my comment)

    • Craig Calcaterra - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:47 AM

      The bacon narwhals at midnight

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:35 AM

        How do magnets work?

      • js20011041 - Jul 20, 2012 at 1:21 PM

        Ah yes, Insane Clown Posse. Irrefutable proof of the fallacy of white supremacy.

  5. sdelmonte - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:53 AM

    Things are so bad in Oakland that you have to do a stunt like this while the Yankees are visiting? I would save things of that sort for when teams that don’t draw come to town.

    • APBA Guy - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:32 AM

      I hope you aren’t just now noticing how bad things are in Oakland. Speaking just about A’s attendance: it’s bad. There are a lot of reasons for it. Earlier this year the A’s had fireworks at a Red Sox game. Almost a sell-out. Everyone was amazed. The only reason the current A’s ownership isn’t considered the worst in baseball is because they’re being propped up by Angelos and a few, very few others. The stadium situation is a big contributor, but not by any means the sole reason for the A’s attendance issues.

      And for what it’s worth, there were some outstanding dogs in stands last night.

      • sdelmonte - Jul 20, 2012 at 12:04 PM

        I knew things were bad out there, but I always figures that having the Yankees in town was a big boost. I stand corrected.

  6. steviep23 - Jul 20, 2012 at 8:56 AM

    I like cats, but there’s no comparison to the golden retrievers I’ve had. My guess is you’ve never owned a really good dog yourself. You don’t see cats walking around w/ blind people, sniffing out drugs, or searching for missing people. Cats are cool to watch when you give them cat-nip, though.

    • paperlions - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:03 AM

      The thing is, if you are a responsible dog owner, train your dog (which is a life long endeavor, not a few months), and get it the proper amount of mental and physical exercise for it’s age/breed….ALL dogs are “good dogs”. There are no exceptions.

      The same goes with cats, except, of course:

      good dog >>> good cat

      • fearlessleader - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:26 AM

        “There are no exceptions”—actually, there are plenty. There are some dogs, like some people, who are fundamentally mis-wired and not capable of being “good,” no matter how dedicated and well-intentioned those around them may be. Fortunately, they’re a very small minority in both species.

        Your point about the importance of lifelong training and exercise, though, is right on.

        And now I will take off my dog-trainer hat and go back to being horrified at what’s happened in Colorado.

      • paperlions - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:01 AM

        Yes, there are some dogs that have genetic problems that make them “developmentally challenged” that make it essentially impossible for them to learn (similar to their human counter parts), but the idea that there are “bad dogs” that are spiteful, lazy, stubborn, or mean is silly…the dogs are just various combinations of mis-treated, under-trained, and under-stimulated.

      • fearlessleader - Jul 20, 2012 at 6:25 PM

        Well, not exactly. Stubborn, mean, and lazy are ABSOLUTELY qualities that can be inborn in a dog (though they don’t certainly don’t necessarily equate to “bad dog”); “spiteful” falls into a different, anthropomorphized category. Dogs, like people, come with a whole range of baseline temperaments!

  7. jtchernak - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:09 AM

    I knew Craig was a redditor after I read this article and comments about how he loves cats they love their cats at reddit

  8. mybrunoblog - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    Did I see Michael Vick in a fake wig and glasses sitting in the bleachers last night in Oakland?

  9. Jonny 5 - Jul 20, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    Any animal that poops, pees, and barfs in your house on a constant enough basis that you have come to accept it as “normal” should never be invited into your home. EVER. My wife got a cat about a year and a half ago. I’m ready to express ship it to Vietnam.

    • fearlessleader - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:27 AM

      “People! Animals are crapping in our house and we’re cleaning it up! Did we lose a WAR???” —Homer Simpson

  10. butchhuskey - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:09 AM

    Obligatory “Who Let the Dogs Out?” joke

  11. vallewho - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:13 AM

    what an idiotic stunt.

  12. Francisco (FC) - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:26 AM

    Editors Note: You’re just going to have to imagine the Cat’s *Dialog Bubbles*

    The transmission was interrupted as the screens showed a familiar figure in a bathrobe, sitting in a high chair and puffing a pipe… a pipe that puffed bubbles…

    “Citizens of Baseball, I was hearing of this nefarious and ill considered tripe at Oakland, taking Dogs to a ballgame. Ludicrous. They slobber, smell and their owners generally do not care enough to teach them to behave properly. Undignified I say.”

    “I am here to tell you the Truth, Cats are superior to Dogs”

    Off screen we can hear Tiffany say: “Awww, but I like Dogs…”

    Craig pursed his lips in annoyance at this interruption. The screen zoomed back to show Craig’s cat on his lap. A white long haired Cat with a bushy tail. “Take Claus here for instance. Sincere, Calm, Dignified, Cuddly….”

    *Call me cuddly again in front of a camera and I’ll use your glasses to file my nails*

    “… a soothing presence if you will, especially as I ponder the great baseball mysteries of the day. I’ve had Cats ever since I was a boy…”

    *You DO know that I only TOLERATE you because of my family’s life debt to you?*

    “… they are fierce, loyal, but independent and fairly clean. Here Claus, have a treat. “, Craig finished as he reached for his cat’s treat tin.

    *When the day comes that we rise and overthrow Humanity I will grant you a quick and painless death*

  13. kinggeorge96 - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:35 AM

    Ok, I happen to agree with Craig on half his hypothesis here…. I’m a cat man myself, although I’ve had two great dogs as well. But my problem lies with his cat/pie and dog/cake theory…. Cake being the superior dessert here, I would like to switch these pairings around to show the pure superiority of the cat. A cat and cake just makes more sense! One of my past cats was a ‘hound’ for doughnuts though…

    • sometimesimisscandlestick - Jul 20, 2012 at 12:50 PM

      And I thought we had the only doughnut eating cat (actually she liked doughnut holes better but that’s another story). But her fur was Giants colors and she liked sitting with me while watching baseball on TV.

  14. ndavis8880 - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:45 AM

    When I get home at night, my cat meows practically constantly until I go to the living room and sit down so he can go to sleep next to me, wherever I sit. That’s love.
    I will say that when I went off to college and returned home in the summers this same cat acted like he had no idea who I was and wanted nothing to do with me. It took a few years to repair that damage. Cats are pretty fickle, but that makes it so much more satisfying when they’re affectionate.
    I like dogs too, but then again, I also like both pie and cake.

    • paperlions - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:04 AM

      Your cat had you well trained. There was no damage to repair, the cat just didn’t see your utility anymore.

  15. florida76 - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:07 AM

    Have to go with dogs over cats, even if cats are generally more intelligent. Going way back, dogs played a role in our survival as a species, it’s true. And there is also the fact we see far more accounts of dogs saving and helping humans than cats. From sniffing bombs to detecting diabetes, to scaring off burglars, and protecting lost children, dogs are man’s best friend.

  16. 4d3fect - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:24 AM

    Ok, I gotta know this now…

    Do cats eat cake and dogs eat pie?

    or is it the other way around?

  17. coldyron - Jul 20, 2012 at 11:39 AM

    The Indians did this months ago (and will do it again later in the season) and they have worse attendance than the A’s. Beat that!

  18. anxovies - Jul 20, 2012 at 10:46 PM

    A dog can herd livestock, guard a perimeter, guide the blind, find contraband, play frisbee, find and fetch game, fetch a ball, and make you feel better when you’re down. Cats are mousetraps that crap in your house.

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