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Ben Sheets admits he’s a zombie

Aug 15, 2012, 10:17 AM EDT

Ben Sheets

After a series of injuries and surgeries that made everyone this side of Rich Harden say “damn!” Ben Sheets has been pretty effective since his comeback with the Braves began.  But he did get beat up on Sunday, and it was suggested that perhaps he had dead arm.

Dave O’Brien of the AJC reports, however, that it’s a far greater problem:

But Sheets said Tuesday he would characterize it more as “dead body” now that he’s six starts into his comeback after two years out of baseball following multiple elbow operations.

“My whole body felt dead,” Sheets said. “I was like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ guy. I was like Bernie.”

Except there’s no lovely 1980s-era Catherine Mary Stewart to keep us interested in these proceedings.

Um, I may have said too much there. I’ll be back later. Gonna go watch “Night of the Comet” for the 500th time.

  1. illadelphiasphinest - Aug 15, 2012 at 10:35 AM

    Cashin checks. Like seriously did he really believe that after two years off he was gonna go out there and feel great? Tells me his preseason and offseaon training didnt consist of much more then an extended bullpen session just to ink a deal. I guess the positive out of it is that hes not injured.

    • CJ - Aug 15, 2012 at 10:42 AM

      not yet, anyway

    • bigleagues - Aug 15, 2012 at 10:57 AM

      UHhhhhhmmmmm, whaaaaaaaat?

      Seriously? You think the Braves just signed him because he was the formerly excellent Ben Sheets?

      There is no end to my amazement when it comes to what some fans think it takes to play in the big leagues.

      • CJ - Aug 15, 2012 at 1:12 PM

        I have a pulse and a 45 mph fastball. I can play. Those pros are so used to the heat, my changeup could strike them out in one pitch.

        and yes, if you can’t tell, this is pure sarcasm. except maybe the 45 mph fastball. sadly, that’s close to accurate.

      • bigleagues - Aug 15, 2012 at 1:54 PM

        You can be Trevor Hoffman to my Jonathan Papelbon with my 68-72 MPH zip. I’ll set them up with that heat and then buckle their knees with my 58 mph knuckle curve.

        That worked in high school, at least :-}

      • nightman13 - Aug 15, 2012 at 4:47 PM

        Why do you think Sheets was constantly injured his whole career? It’s always little nagging things and then the big elbow issues. He never worked hard as he should in the offseason and that’s why he’s had the injury issues.

        This is a fact too, there was always rumblings of him reporting for spring training out of shape when he was in Milwaukee.

      • bigleagues - Aug 15, 2012 at 4:56 PM

        Pitchers . . . ALLLLLL pitchers go through dead arm periods at one time or another.

        Add to that the fact that Sheets hasn’t pitched in two years and he came back in the middle of the hottest summer on record and its not hard to understand him having a little exhaustion now that he is back in a SP routine.

        It happens.

  2. ajcardsfan - Aug 15, 2012 at 10:57 AM

    So, who else read Sheet’s quote then immediately started hearing Conga by Gloria Estefan?

    • kiwicricket - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:04 AM

      That’s just a horrible trick to try make me listen to Gloria Estefan!
      Not fooling me, pal.

      • ajcardsfan - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:24 AM

        Rats busted. I’ll get you next time Cricket! [Yes you should have read that in a Dr. Claw Voice]

  3. heyblueyoustink - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:01 AM

    Just remember Craig, when the comet passes, stay away from the shopping malls.

    It is nice to know, however, that Jim Leyland isn’t the only undead entity involved with MLB.

  4. gogigantos - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:05 AM

    A zombie feeds off the living, are the Bravos well and alive? Seems they are in good shape to play into the longer post season. What the future holds, how many are bit, who lives to play another season.
    Is he just ‘cashin checks’, like a blood sucking vampire out for himself and damn the living all to hell? Maybe he is just tired after so long out of it all. Maybe the pinche Bravos have an arm on hand for next year, when they surely have too too too many of those things.
    Would rather he be a zombie and bite them all to hell.

    • heyblueyoustink - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:47 AM

      They’ve been feeding on the Phils pretty good this year, and they’re as close to dead as it gets.

  5. cur68 - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    The following are the Rules Of Engagement for Dealing With Zombies. All of them can be applied to baseball (and Ben Sheets when he comes for your brains). Pay attention:
    Rule 1: Cardio. Mr. Sheets, this one’s for you. You wouldn’t be a zombie right now if you’d done your cardio.

    Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms. Seriously, after finding out what Jay Buhner got up to with the shampoo, need I say more?

    Rule 3: Seatbelts. Duh.

    Rule 4: Doubletap. Be careful who you hand out those giftbaskets/autographed balls to, boys. If you doubletap, it’ll get in the news and the comments section of baseball blogs will never forget it.

    Rule 5: No Attachments. See above.

    Rule 6: Travel in a Group. Well, you’re a ball club, so, duh.

    Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand. Gotta have someone to throw under the bus when the press gets wind of your shenanigans.

    Rule 8: Kill with Efficiency. When you got a team down, that’s the time for your best reliever. He does not necessarily need to be “saved”.

    Rule 9: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing. Pay attention all you ball players who get them stolen in spring training. What ARE you doing with an AK47 at ST anyways Evan?

    Rule 10: Be Quiet. Logan Morrison, Luke Scott; this one’s for you especially.

    Rule 15: Know Your Way out. Or something.

    Rule 17: Don’t Be a Hero. Please ignore this one.

    Rule 18: Limber Up. If you don’t you’ll get hurt in the groinal region or an oblique. Owie.

    Rule 19: Blend in. Try and look like part of the team: you ARE a professional.

    Rule 20: Find The Right Shelter. Very important for ballplayers to be on the correct base. Don’t want to be caught out in no-man’s land getting TOOTBLAN.

    Rule 21: Zombies cant Climb. But Rajai Davis Can, so hit it further next time.

    Rule 22: Be ruthless. Carols Marmol, this one’s for you: when your boys hand you the lead and send you out there to finish them off, YOU FINISH THEM OFF!

    Rule 23: God Bless Rednecks. Seriously, what would MLB without the Rednecks? JD Drew and alligator fishing, Luke Scott and pig spears, anyone from Texas and Josh Becket. Bless you boys.

    Rule 24: No Drinking. In the clubhouse.

    Rule 25: Check the Back Seat. Because the season isn’t over till the stat geeks tell you “you can’t be caught”, always know who’s behind you.

    Rule 26: Enjoy the Little Things. Couldn’t agree more. Take a moment and look around. Front Row Amy might be there in a low cut tank top.

    • heyblueyoustink - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:50 AM

      That’s alot of rules, cur. You don’t mayhaps work for the government, do you?

      • cur68 - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:53 AM

        I’m with an Agency That Has No Name. Stay where you are ‘blue. Someone will be there to collect you shortly.

    • gogigantos - Aug 15, 2012 at 11:51 AM

      Great as all that is, and it is super, there is really only a few simple rules for zombie encounters, same as bears.
      1. never travel alone
      2. remember that you don’t need to be fast to get away, just faster than you friends or companions
      3. there is no shame in knocking an inferior human to the ground to save yourself, or not so much shame that you can’t go on enjoying life in his, her, or their memory,, :)
      live long and prosper

    • foreverchipper10 - Aug 15, 2012 at 3:56 PM

      What happened to rules 11, 12, 13, 14 and 16? How can I survive the apocalypse without knowing all the rules!?!?!

      • cur68 - Aug 15, 2012 at 5:23 PM

        Chip, you WILL survive the Zombie Apocalypse. The NUMBER 1 Rule (unwritten till now) is: be observant and know how to count.

  6. pepefreeus - Aug 15, 2012 at 6:53 PM

    That was a good decade for brainy, willowy brunettes (Alexandra Paul, Jami Gertz…)

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