Sep 5, 2012, 12:31 PM EDT
If you’re one of those people who like to post comments after non-newsy articles saying “slow news day, huh?” you’ll just want to move along and not read this.
If, however, you are into epic tales of weak-armed outfielders like Johnny Damon, vainly attempting to throw runners out at home plate, this bit of genius from Jon Bois might be up your alley. I’ll give you only the conclusion. The corpus of the stories has to be read in its entirety:
And that is the story of every Johnny Damon throw from the outfield. It’s sure to involve bears, goblins, civil uprisings, spacecraft, underwater observatories, love, hate, revenge, sword fights atop city skyscrapers, fear, hope, and ultimately, dread.
In other words, everything can and will happen. Except for actually throwing the runner out.
And every fan of every team knows of one outfielder who could easily be substituted into that story. Mostly Johnny Damon, but there are some other guys too.
- The Troy Tulowitzki trade might be the strangest deadline deal ever 1
- Report: Rockies trade Troy Tulowitzki to Blue Jays for Jose Reyes and prospects 78
- Alex Rodriguez celebrates 40th birthday with a home run 10
- Mets acquire Tyler Clippard from the Athletics 19
- Angels acquire Shane Victorino from Red Sox 25
- Happy 40th Birthday, A-Rod! 44
- Craig Biggio, John Smoltz, Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez inducted into the Hall of Fame 41
- And That Happened: Sunday’s scores and highlights 49
- The MLBPA is considering withholding cooperation with ESPN, Fox over Colin Cowherd’s comments (156)
- The Cubs are in discussions with the Phillies on Cole Hamels (146)
- MLBPAA announces “Heart and Hustle” award, given mostly to Americans and white guys (131)
- Colin Cowherd wonders how baseball can be considered “complicated” if Dominicans can understand it (129)
- Major League Baseball rips Colin Cowherd in an official statement (123)