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Must-Click Link: The Epic Story of Johnny Damon’s Attempt to Throw a Ball to Home Plate

Sep 5, 2012, 12:31 PM EDT

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If you’re one of those people who like to post comments after non-newsy articles saying “slow news day, huh?” you’ll just want to move along and not read this.

If, however, you are into epic tales of weak-armed outfielders like Johnny Damon, vainly attempting to throw runners out at home plate, this bit of genius from Jon Bois might be up your alley. I’ll give you only the conclusion. The corpus of the stories has to be read in its entirety:

And that is the story of every Johnny Damon throw from the outfield. It’s sure to involve bears, goblins, civil uprisings, spacecraft, underwater observatories, love, hate, revenge, sword fights atop city skyscrapers, fear, hope, and ultimately, dread.

In other words, everything can and will happen. Except for actually throwing the runner out.

And every fan of every team knows of one outfielder who could easily be substituted into that story. Mostly Johnny Damon, but there are some other guys too.

  1. Ben - Sep 5, 2012 at 12:38 PM

    I wanna watch Ben Revere and Johnny Damon duel for the title of noodliest arm in the majors. Actually, you could probably put both Revere and Damon in left as a kind of throwing relay team and they still might have trouble getting the ball to the plate.

  2. bigleagues - Sep 5, 2012 at 12:55 PM

    I have to hand it too Craig . . . verrrry rarely are the ‘must click links’, not worth the click.

    Dude gets an A+ for absurdity – which I always believe to be a very effective means of expressing an opinion – even if the first half of it is sort of dumb because, ya know . . .

    a) Johnny Damon has been really fast for most of his career and . . .

    b) if opposing teams wanted to routinely score ducks on the pond . . . then hitting the ball as deep as possible – as frequently as possible – on Johnny Damon would be the play you’d want to make.

    But he gets a ‘C-” for creativity.

    I get that he was writing all of this in a figurative sense . . . but the whole story would have been more absurd, and yet somehow more believable, if everything that he wrote had occurred from the point Damon picked up the ball and flicked it toward the infield.

    • The Common Man - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:02 PM

      I give him an A+++++++++ for creativity, so let’s just average that and give him an A+ since you’re dumb and don’t like joy and stuff.

      • bigleagues - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:14 PM

        Your opinion vs my opinion . . . and I won’t even volley your name calling (even though I did find your comment funny because it’s echoes the way my little sister phrases things).

        :-p

      • townballblog - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:43 PM

        You two should get a room :)

        As for the story….epic-ish

  3. stex52 - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:11 PM

    You all have been misled. Anyone knowledgeable in such things can tell you the map was actually of Arnor, the sister-kingdom of Gondor, which was destroyed by the Witch-King of Angmar about two thousand years before the doings in “Lord of the RIngs.” Johnny should merely have wrested one of the Rings of Power from its rightful owner and used it to assist him in his throw to the infield.

    Of course, then he would have become the tenth Ringwraith chasing Frodo, but every plan has its price.

    • bsbiz - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:29 PM

      Problem is that if it was the One Ring, it would have sensed its mistake and fallen off his finger, rendering him visible again in the middle of the River Anduin.

      • stex52 - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:38 PM

        Pretty much what happened to Isuldur. But at the time, I think one of the Dwarves’ rings would have been more accessible.

      • bsbiz - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:10 PM

        The owners have all of those. They are the ones who are always looking for ways to increase their hordes of gold and influence.

      • stex52 - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:38 PM

        “Isildur”. Sorry.

      • bigdicktater - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:32 PM

        stex52, are you saying Johnny couldn’t reach up and take a ring off anyone except a dwarf?

      • stex52 - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:43 PM

        No, never thought of that. I was more or less giving a straight reading of the story. But you might have a point……….

  4. number42is1 - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:33 PM

    I’m calling 100% bullshit! no way in HELL that Damon knows the word Fortnight.

  5. paperlions - Sep 5, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    Johnny Damon has 79 career outfield assists. True story.

    Though….I guess that mos (all?) are probably from doubling up runners at 2B that thought a liner would fall in for a single, but was caught by Damon close enough that he could 12 hop the ball into second.

  6. cur68 - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    I only wish I had written all of that. Otherwise, I hope this is printed out by Damon himself and carried with him in his wallet. He can pull it out and read it every time he thinks of making a comeback.

  7. koreanfandeath - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:20 PM

    Damon was a gamer. He had to be in order to make up for his noodle arm. The season I watched him with the Tigers, he made a lot of smart base running plays to score runs. The link is awesome.

  8. psousa1 - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    The other side of it is the guy tracked down everything (until late in his career) and gave all he had whether 10 runs up or 10 down. Crashed into everything, dove for everything to make a play, tried to break up every double play. Sox would have never won in 2004 if it wasn’t for him to set the tone.

  9. stackers1 - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:43 PM

    I like what Red Sox fans said about Johnny after he signed as a free agent with the Yankees.

    He looks like Jesus, throws like Mary & acts like Judas.

  10. illegalblues - Sep 5, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    jon bois is easily the internet’s best writer.

  11. mariner425 - Sep 5, 2012 at 3:11 PM

    I can’t remember if it was a game this year or last. Damon standing near the warning track makes the last out of the inning. He turns to throw the ball to fans in the outfield, and double pumps a non throw. It seemed he was worried he couldn’t throw the ball the forty feet or so. He ends up carrying the ball to the pitching mound or dugout.

  12. 1historian - Sep 5, 2012 at 6:44 PM

    I know that there are 117 days left in the year, but it is time to announce that the coveted “cheap shot from cyberspace’ for the year 2012 award goes to all the contributors to this blog which of course means that the lovely and talented Craig Calcaterra gets an extra noodle for inciting all the genius that followed.

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