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You Asked Me Questions on Twitter. So I Shall Answer Them.

Sep 27, 2012, 10:29 AM EDT

The Question

Q: Was this a challenging year for you with Phillies fans not such an easy target? How will you adjust your future trolling?

Trolling is like Jiu-Jitsu: you use your opponents’ own momentum against them, cause them to overplay their native tendencies into foolishness. Phillies’ fans’ tendency is to declare their team some unbeatable force and, if they fail to go 162-0, something is wrong.  When they’re winning it’s easy to get them to bite. When they’re losing no one can be harder on them than themselves and anything I add is just piling on and that’s no fun.  One three-game win streak, though, and they’re back to declaring their invincibility, so they never disappoint.

I will say, trolling Nats fans this year has been something of a revelation and, indeed, has saved my trolling season. They’re way different than Philly fans. They are pretty close to humorless and, even better, they view criticism of their team’s front office as heresy.  Trolling them may not be as satisfying as it is to troll Philly fans — their reactions aren’t nearly as colorful — but it’s probably easier.

Q: Who does Bud Selig look more like: a car salesman or a creepy uncle who looks at you a bit funny & holds his hugs too long?

Eh, I don’t see either of those. I see him as more of a late 18th century New England schoolteacher who, late one night, encounters an evil spirit on horseback.

Q: Who is a bigger poo to you, Ozzie or Bobby V?

Ozzie is no poo. He’s the anti-poo.  He’s at least helping make the train wreck that is the end of the Marlins season fun. Bobby V. is just kind of adding to the despair in Boston.

Q: Who is your NL comeback player of the year? Ryan Ludwick? Bronson Arroyo? Somebody less deserving?

Ludwick is definitely a good candidate. I really had no idea how good a season he was having. Is there a top team people (myself included) pay less attention to than the Reds?

Q: Are you stocked up on Kleenex for next Friday night or is that on this weekend’s to-do list?

MOM, KNOCK FIRST! — er, sorry. That question came from our own Drew Silva. He’s taunting me over next week’s likely Braves-Cardinals play-in game.  But it’s OK. I will shed no tears if the Braves lose. I will merely take out my frustrations on my coworkers, forcing them to do all manner of menial tasks out of spite.  Aaron, D.J. and Matthew are exempted, of course.

Q: Can we ever dang Dusty Baker to heck again?

Nowhere in the rule book does it say that you can’t rip someone simply because they’ve had a health scare.  If he fails to use Aroldis Chapman in a tie game on the road during the playoffs or something, you are totally within your rights to dang him to heck.

Q: Do you consider yourself a Rob Neyer disciple?

Gosh, that’s a strong word. And, yes, I realize that by saying “gosh” I am channeling Rob there.  Seriously, though, I owe my career to Rob because he was the first person of any stature at all to promote my work when he linked it and said nice words about it back in 2007 when I was nothing but a Blogspot blog and about two dozen readers.

And there is no doubt that I wouldn’t have started writing about baseball regularly if I wasn’t inspired by his work at ESPN.  It’s weird now given how blogs work and everything, but back in the late 90s, no one was writing new content every damn day except Rob, and that really opened a lot of people’s eyes about how the web was different and held all manner of possibilities for baseball writing and analysis.

All of that said, Rob and I are pretty different kinds of writers.  I don’t fancy myself an analyst of any kind and I don’t have anything approaching his historical understanding of the game. He thinks and considers topics and I tend to fire before I aim.

Q: If you could do it over again, would you want to study at a journalism school?

Never. I have respect for journalists and what they do, but I have zero interest in conventional reporting.  I form opinions and make arguments for the most part and my experience in the law and just having lived life and watched a lot of baseball has trained me for that way more than anything J-school can teach me. Last I checked J-school does not teach anyone about baseball and does not teach anyone how to form opinions about things. Indeed, most of them explicitly tell their students on the first day that “no one cares what you think.”  That’s the exact opposite of what opinion writing is about.

Q: Does anyone ask for your autograph now that you’re on TV all the time? Also, can I get your autograph?

No. And yes, but why you’d want it I have no idea.

Q: Why can’t I get my double-double Gangnam Style?

I’ll have to ask my brother who works at In-N-Out if he can make this happen. It will likely be the most ridiculous burger ever.

Q: Thoughts on DC retconning Clark/Lois and putting Superman with Wonder Woman?

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Lois and Clark are doomed. It’s a relationship of total inequality and deception. Ultimately, the person you’re with has to understand what you do all day, and while Lois could be enamored with her man for saving the planet from destruction, Wonder Woman actually understands because she’s been there.

Q: Got any Halloween costume ideas? Worst-case scenario, people reading the blog see this and suggest better ones.

Here are a few.

Q: Tony Stark/Iron man > Bruce Wayne/ Batman

This one didn’t come with a question mark, so I’m assuming it was more of an assertion.  Look, you’re never going to get me to admit that any super hero is better than Batman. And the fact is that I never read Iron Man. My real introduction to him beyond just casually knowing his deal was the Robert Downey Jr. movies.  That said:  I love that portrayal and think he knocks it out of the park. Just all kinds of freaking fun.  And let’s be honest: this is pretty freaking spot-on.

Q: Overall thoughts on 1 game Wild Card. Good for attention to race/drawing in more fans? Bad to boil down 162 games to 1?

Yes and yes. I know why Bud did it and I appreciate the excitement it causes, but it’s anathema to what baseball is all about. One game never matters in baseball but now everything depends on it. It’s like an Iron Man triathlon end with a game of paper, scissors, rock.

Q: Why are volcanoes?!

I know, right?!

Q: Have you read La Russa’s new book yet? Or you waiting for the book on tape?

I’m waiting for the movie. Though I am wondering how they’ll rig the special effects to make him play every position in all of the World Series he won.

Q: Any dating advice for the single fellas?

I was out of the dating pool for many, many years before my divorce, but as many of you know, I am now in a relationship with a smart and pretty young lady.  As a gentleman, I am loathe to give away all of my secrets of courtship, but I can offer the following advice:

  • Balls and church socials are the best places to meet the fairer sex, for there you are allowed to mingle without the condemnation of community elders;
  • That said, even if a gentleman is formerly introduced to a lady at a ball, this does not entitle him to speak to her at any other time or place. Such a thing would be highly improper. If there is a woman with which you wish to grow acquainted, you should make inquiries and find a mutual friend who would then introduce them outside the confines of a festive event;
  • Be aware of the signs! Fans, parasols and gloves convey the message of whether a lady is interested, or not.
  • Once a gentleman is formally introduced to a lady, he may escort her home. This is done by offering her his card. She will then consider her various offers of an escort and give her own card to the gentleman of her choice. Be warned! This is when fisticuffs or challenges to duels may be made.
  • If a gentleman is visiting a lady at her home, it is extremely rude to stay late. He may never call on her without prior permission and when they say goodnight, she is not allowed beyond the parlour door. The gentleman shall be shown out by a servant.
  • Gifts are important!  May I suggest locks of hair, poems and oil portraits?
  • Marriage is always a possibility. Remember: if the bride passes by a chimney sweep on the way to the church, it is good luck to be kissed by him!
  • After the marriage: be sure to subjugate your bride and insulate her from any corrupting influences such as alcohol, voting or the presence of other human beings besides your half dozen children (and the three that were still-born and/or died young due to consumption).

Hope that helps!

  1. ningenito78 - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:00 AM

    I tend to fire before I aim.

    Probably the reason I love hardballtalk and your work but….yup.

  2. churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:03 AM

    Negative karma to you sir on the missed opportunity of:

    Q: Thoughts on DC retconning Clark/Lois and putting Superman with Wonder Woman?

    Brodie: It’s impossible! Lois Lane could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you that when he comes during sex, he probally blows a load like a shotgun blast… right through her back! And if by chance Lois does get pregnent, what about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?
    T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
    Brodie: He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way Superman could bang regular chicks is if he does it with a kryptonite condom, but that would probaly kill him!

    [apologies if this double posts, damn in flight wi-fi]

    • indaburg - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:40 AM

      Funny movie.

      Maybe Wonder Woman and Superman in flagrante delicto explains volcanoes?

    • Francisco (FC) - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:19 PM

      Well. In Miller’s: The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Superman tells his daughter about sex: Never with Humans, they’re too frail…

  3. sdelmonte - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    I’ve read a decent number of Iron Man comics. And without RDJ’s amazing smary charm, Tony Stark is a bit of a jerk. It shows that with the right actor, even the most difficult characters can be worth watching.

    But he’s still no Batman, mainly because he routinely makes stupid story-driven mistakes.

  4. philliesblow - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    Best Halloween custom I’ve ever seen: Brown shirt with small mustache, jock strap outside of pants with a potato in it……………Bam, you’re a dicktater.

  5. cur68 - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    Its like hating Brandon McCarthy at the moment for me as far as danging Dusty goes….it just seems wrong while the dude isn’t up to snuff. Anyhow a good dang of Dusty relies on outside forces (metalhead). He has forbore to comment on anything Dusty related, real or imagined, since Dusty’s been unwell. So there ya go, folks: its all metalhead’s fault. Dang you… !!.. nah…

    Get well soon Dusty…and you too Brandon: I want you guys back doing what you do ASAP.

  6. phillysoulfan - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    C’mon Batman and Iron Man are not super heroes. Do you realize, that if I had a company with a billion dollar research & development department, that I could be either one of those 2? (Trust me, this is really funny if you knew what I look like)

  7. natslady - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:30 AM

    I don’t follow the comic book stuff, but the Regency advice was great. Even me with my DC lack of humor laughed out loud.

    • indaburg - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:45 AM

      It’s good dating advice, gentlemen. Take notes is all I’m saying.

  8. dlf9 - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:47 AM

    Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex — by Larry Niven.

  9. foreverchipper10 - Sep 27, 2012 at 11:57 AM

    I went as Keith Stone last year for Halloween. It went over pretty well. Not as well as my Al Borland from about three years ago but still pretty solid.

  10. natslady - Sep 27, 2012 at 12:08 PM

    LOL’d at the trolling comment, too. Yes, we are defensive about the front-office, so true! And we have SO little experience being trolled–in fact, in previous years we were our own trollers (see “Natinals” and other FAILS).

    • natstowngreg - Sep 27, 2012 at 1:52 PM

      We do defend the front office. Given the team’s performance, there is much to defend. But heresy? Hey, I want tickets to Craig’s heresy trial. I’ll bring my torch and pitchfork.

      Perhaps Craig’s problem with trolling us, compared to trolling Phillies fans, is that we lack the delusion that our team is entitled to win the World Series every season. He’s just gonna have to be patient; it will take a couple more seasons before we get that delusional.

      Finally, having lived in the DC area for a time, Craig should know that we are the most important people in the most important city in the most important country in the most important planet in the most important solar system in the… [adapted from an old Riggs Bank(tm) commercial.]

      • natslady - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:22 PM

        Lemme see if I can understand this trolling thing, being new to it and all.

        Mike Rizzo:

        Trade for Gio Gonzalez – nope. Could win 21-22 games and get the Cy Young.
        Discover Micheal Gonzalez and Chad Tracy – nope, nobody ever heard of them.

        Draft Drew Storen – good closer but we coulda had Mike Trout. Yeah but so could ten other teams, so it’s a little quibble. OK, maybe a big quibble.
        Draft Bryce Harper – well, anybody coulda done that.

        Shutdown Stephen Strasburg – getting warmer
        Pay Jayson Werth $126 million – Ah, that should do it.

      • Francisco (FC) - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:22 PM

        compared to trolling Phillies fans, is that we lack the delusion that our team is entitled to win the World Series every season

        Now that’s just plain rude. That’s what Yankee Fans think and delude themselves in. For the Phillies it’s an established fact.

      • natstowngreg - Sep 27, 2012 at 3:46 PM

        I stand corrected, sir.

        BTW, when are we gonna get “Calcaterra: The Novel?” Followed, of course, by “Calcaterra: The Movie.” Inquiring minds want to know.

  11. Alex K - Sep 27, 2012 at 12:30 PM

    Paper, scissors, rock? Am I the only one who thinks he wrote that backwards?

    • number42is1 - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:24 PM

      no sir…. Craig is backwardsy that way

    • El Bravo - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:47 PM

      Bass ackwards for sure….anyway, it’s called roshambo.

    • gogigantos - Sep 27, 2012 at 3:12 PM

      I know it as RoShanBo also. Craig got it right. Paper, scissor, rock is correct. All you all got it ass back ways.

  12. sometimesimisscandlestick - Sep 27, 2012 at 12:31 PM

    NL comeback player of the year? Did we forget Buster Posey?

    • natstowngreg - Sep 27, 2012 at 1:54 PM

      And Adam LaRoche? Apparently so, since clearly, the question was posed by a Reds fan.

    • gogigantos - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:15 PM

      Some may have over looked him. Not all have forgotten that Posey has been not only comeback player of the year, but possibly the player to have most exceeded even the most fanboy dreams of production. With ya, the award should be renamed or retired after he wins it this year.

      • natslady - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:24 PM

        I would have to vote for Posey over LaRoche. But boy do I hope we re-sign LaRoche!

      • gogigantos - Sep 27, 2012 at 3:21 PM

        Maybe Trout had fanboys who are now blown out of the water?

    • El Bravo - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:48 PM

      It’s so Posey it’s ridiculous to argue any other.

  13. steelerfanforlife - Sep 27, 2012 at 1:51 PM

    Ok that last bullet point just caused me to spit out my soup!! Hilarious!

  14. El Bravo - Sep 27, 2012 at 2:49 PM

    El Bravo’s guide to the dating scene:

    – Stick n move
    – “It ain’t mine!”


  15. moogro - Sep 28, 2012 at 3:26 AM

    I’ve read that dating advice before. Do tell source!

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