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Must-click link: Ranking the sexiest general managers, 1-30

Dec 19, 2012, 2:13 PM EDT

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OK, this is amazing.

Following new A’s shortstop Hiroyuki Nakajima calling general manager Billy Beane “extremely sexy and cool” during his introductory press conference yesterday David Brown of Yahoo Sports–we’re partners now, you know!–has analyzed all the general managers’ sexiness and ranked them:

Ranking the sexiest GMs in baseball 1-30

Someone may want to hide Ned Colletti’s laptop for the rest of the day (or week/year), just to be safe.

  1. normcash - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:21 PM

    David Brown must be a heterosexual guy. Lists like these should be left to women or gay men—people who know what they’re talking about….

  2. cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    Is that wig on Coletti or is that just really, REALY bad hair?

  3. ednacrabapple - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    How is Jack Zduriencik not in the top 5?

    • eshine76 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:30 PM

      “Soft eyelashes” – that put me on the floor. Good stuff.

    • alexo0 - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:42 PM

      How is Brad Pitt not in the top 5?

  4. crispybasil - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    Just learned that the Marlins have a GM.

    • cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:34 PM

      News to me, too. What does he do with his time, I wonder?

      • Old Gator - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:43 PM

        Near as we can figure it, he carries in the Chihuahua’s water in a pail in the morning, and carries out his slops in the evening. On this team, that has to be the third or fourth most important job in the front orifice. That he keeps a low profile is probably all that has kept him from being traded for a handful of minor league bench coaches.

    • indaburg - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:35 PM

      I thought the same thing! Who is this mystery man?

      • cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:46 PM

        Stealth GM-ing: you never see him acquiring. Or doing much of anything.

      • indaburg - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:52 PM

        An International Man of Mystery. I’m intrigued and perplexed.

        Re: Colletti. Rug. 100% certain.

        Our respective boy wonder GMs should have been ranked higher. Precociousness is sexy.

      • cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:57 PM

        Now that you mention it, YEAH! AA in at 28? Geddafukouttahere! No way. He’s gotta be a solid top 10. He just DESTROYED all the other GMs this off season by acquiring the most talent. This Beaver Fan finds that DAMN sexy.

        As for Colletti’s “hair”…what kind of fur is that? Its not Beaver. Not curly enough. Possibly cat. Or opossum. Maybe rat?

      • indaburg - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:04 PM

        Porcupine quills.

  5. Max Power - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    Is it wrong that I thought Jerry Dipoto was ranked way too low?

    I hope Old Hoss will break down this list as well.

  6. natstowngreg - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Mike Rizzo would be insulted to go as high as #13. If, that is, he paid any attention to such things. He’s a tough Chicago guy, after all, as he reminds us from time to time.

    I’m thinking Bruce Willis. He makes the deal, but there are, shall we say, casualties along the way.

    • Old Gator - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:40 PM

      Rizzo rides in on Telly Savals’ coattails. The ones he was buried in, I mean.

    • Old Gator - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:41 PM

      Rizzo rides in on Telly Savalas’ coattails. The ones he was buried in, I mean.

  7. steelpenbucs87 - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    Doug Melvin’s ‘stache. Can’t believe he that low with such a powerful drink comb.

  8. willclarkgameface - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    This is the dumbest fucking article i have seen all winter. Can the season just begin already?

  9. historiophiliac - Dec 19, 2012 at 2:57 PM

    That #1 was even worse than putting Babe Ruth over Willie Mays.

  10. mattintoledo - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    Resemblances I noticed:

    Jed Hoyer – Steve Yzerman
    Josh Byrnes – Jim Thome
    Jerry Dipoto – Daniel Tosh

    • indaburg - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:06 PM

      Totally agree, especially on Dipoto.

      I would also add Frank Wren – Anderson Cooper.

  11. youknowwhatsgoodforshoulderpain - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:04 PM

    I feel like we have officially lowered the bar to the ground.

    • Francisco (FC) - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:10 PM

      Now, now, remember that the bar can always go underground.

    • cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:13 PM

      New here, eh? Wait till the debate over desert starts up. You will know new lows.

      • Francisco (FC) - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:21 PM

        New here, eh? Wait till the debate over desert starts up. You will know new lows.

        I personally think the Gobi wins hands down.

      • indaburg - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:23 PM

        Nothing like a good biome argument. My favorite desert is the Sahara although I do have a soft spot for the Patagonian.

      • cur68 - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:25 PM

        Ha! You know nothing. Connoisseurs (and other bad spellers of “dessert”) KNOW that that the Great Victoria Desert of Australia is the BEST desert.

      • historiophiliac - Dec 19, 2012 at 4:18 PM

        Technically, you all are still above ground, for what that’s worth.

      • stex52 - Dec 19, 2012 at 9:36 PM

        What’s wrong with a good ole American desert? The Sonoran on a good day will roast you like a poblano.

  12. geoknows - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:18 PM

    I’m thinking that David Brown put the GMs names into a hat and totally pulled them out at random for this.

    • yahmule - Dec 19, 2012 at 7:56 PM

      Well, he was pulling something.

  13. shanabartels - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    I am so glad that Dave Brown is more closely affiliated with HBT now with the merger. He does such excellent work. (Yes, I mean that sincerely. Nobody will ever forget the Luke Scott piece he did.)

  14. shynessismyelguapo - Dec 19, 2012 at 3:44 PM

    GMs are one unfuckable group of people.

    …wait…they’re worth how much?

    GMs are one fuckable group of people.

  15. timpaz - Dec 19, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    What is this B.S. stick to real stories or don’t write, maybe Find a real job.

  16. Detroit Michael - Dec 19, 2012 at 5:09 PM

    Hilarious! I think John M. and Jack Z. are rated too high. Shouldn’t Jack Z. be number #29 based on that ugly photo?

  17. butchhuskey - Dec 19, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    I don’t know why but I found this endlessly amusing. And I agree that Jerry Dipoto is a good looking guy and should be ranked higher.

  18. professormaddog31 - Dec 20, 2012 at 3:25 PM

    Who did Brian Cashman pay to be ranked 4th? Not feelin’ it, dude. The elf costume was an inspired touch, though. Does anyone know if the Mets rented that costume for Dickey to wear before he high tailed it out of town? :P

  19. anybodyinhere - Dec 20, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    Typical Orioles! Let go a guy (Frank Wren) who flourishes elsewhere and becomes #12 while we get stuck with Duquette at #29! Its Curt Schilling for Glenn Davis all over again!

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