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Jose Canseco’s New Year’s resolutions are about what you’d expect

Jan 2, 2013, 4:30 PM EDT

Jose Canseco

I typically don’t make New Year’s resolutions because they’re always boring and banal. I always want to get in better shape, write more and travel. I wish I was more creative. Like Jose Canseco was with his New Year’s resolutions this year, announced on his Twitter account by saying “Here are my new years resolutions top ten what are yours”.

And no, I didn’t mistype these. He had two number fives, which I think is a pretty clever way to show that he’s into these resolutions 110%!

1. spend more time with my daughter
2. get stronger and fitter
3. help people who are getting screwed wherever i can
4. return to pro baseball as player or manager and have dinners with McGwire, La Russa, Bonds, and Selig.
5. Fight Shaq in MMA cage match
5. develop and launch Ponce de CAnseco a real anti aging drink
6. Get elected to a important political office in the U.S. or canada to help all people and governments with there problems
7. Become a world class entreprenur and found at least two great companies that make peoples lives better and funner
8. Write a third book and do a move deal for Juiced!
9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies
10. Use position as A List entertainer doing reality, TV, movies, blogs, columns, appearances to be able to do more charity

Laugh all you want, but you can’t say Canseco isn’t ambitious.

  1. cur68 - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:38 PM

    My resolutions:

    1) Get Twitter account
    2) Only follow Jose Canseco
    3) Follow the teachings of Jose Canseco

    …either those or move to the UK.

    • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:41 PM

      You’re moving to the UK?

      • cur68 - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:42 PM

        I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.

      • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:45 PM

        *You* brought it up.

      • cur68 - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:51 PM

        I did? Oh dear. Ive got to concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?… hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota…

      • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 7:48 PM

        That’s better. That one I got. :)

    • indaburg - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:41 PM

      Canseco’s Twitter feed is a combination of Waiting for Godot, Forrest Gump (the book), and The Natural. It is sublime. You won’t be disappointed.

      • snowbirdgothic - Jan 2, 2013 at 11:06 PM

        With a side of “Being There”.

      • badintent - Jan 3, 2013 at 1:31 AM

        Jose, take more meds or stop taking the 2 dozen a day you take now.Either way, you’re a punk . Try being a real father to your daughter for the second time in your life(the first and only time was at the1989 World Series during the earthquake game in SF)

  2. sportsdrenched - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:40 PM

    [I]9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies[/i]

    Did he throw in Beer Companies because they pay more than the others?

    • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:41 PM

      No, because they do God’s work. Hello.

      • Jonny 5 - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:10 PM

        A great man once said that the mere fact that beer exists is proof that God wants us to be happy. I’d like to think he’s correct. Damn-it, I’ve been saving a rather large corked bottle of Weybacher “TINY” for a special occasion, that occasion just became now. God’s work I tell ya.

      • cur68 - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:18 PM

        If drinking that beer makes you happy then that beer departs as a hero.

      • Jonny 5 - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:34 PM

        Happy and me ain’t exactly seeing eye to eye lately. But that large beer will probably help get happy down to my level some. There’s only one way to find out….

    • nworca - Jan 2, 2013 at 7:11 PM

      Because beer makes him stronger and fitter.

      • paperlions - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:11 PM

        it also makes “peoples lives better and funner”

      • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:28 PM

        Canseco’s Funner Ale — that takes care of #’s 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9 & 10 right there.

      • cardsfanandi - Jan 3, 2013 at 8:59 AM

        Which #5 is that exactly, historiophiliac?

  3. drunkenhooliganism - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:48 PM

    Is it wrong that I truly like Jose Canseco? I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to be him. I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to hang out with him. But dammit, if I don’t neglect my family, friends and responisbilities if there’s a Canseco story to be read.

    I would throw my TV out the window if the kardashians were to ever dishonor its screen. But give me as much Canseco as possible.

    • 18thstreet - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:20 PM

      I’d like him to do this once a month.

  4. kirkvanhouten - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:53 PM

    I like how he’s not particular about running for office in either the US or Canada, as though their electoral systems are similar, that a US citizen can just move to Canada, attain citizenship and run for office in the course of a year.

    Also, the implication that he only wants to return to major league baseball in order to have dinner with some former ballplayers.

  5. drakej541 - Jan 2, 2013 at 4:54 PM

    C’mon Jose, FUNNER isn’t a word!!!!

    • historiophiliac - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:09 PM

      Said someone only having fun.

  6. scoutsaysweitersisabust - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:04 PM

    11. Learn the difference between Their, There, and They’re.
    12. Look up Funner in the dictionary.

  7. kiwicricket - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:06 PM

    Can we please get Jose a guest spot contributing to HBT? I will fund it myself if I have to.

  8. alexo0 - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:20 PM

    I wish I could laugh, but I feel too sorry for the guy.

  9. 13arod - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:22 PM

    i think that he tries to help the world in anyway he can and that is hoping to be to do this in a couple of years good man

  10. El Bravo - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:28 PM

    I just pooped my pants. Unrelatedly, this blog post if pretty funny.

  11. firstand98 - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:36 PM

    9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies

    okay jose, let’s get down to it, shall we? would you like a glass of water before we begin? okay.. *cracks knuckles, shuffles papers*

    doing 100 promotional deals is a lot of work. i mean, especially if you plan to get back into baseball this year.. in between fancy dinners with selig, mac and bonds – i’m just not sure you have the time here. and that doesn’t even take into account you running for office in the US and Canada. so let’s scale this back, to say, 4. one for each. okay, that leaves us with

    Animal Rights. hmm, good choice. i mean, who doesn’t love animals? unfortunately, jose, animal rights is not a company or product, so i doubt there’s any “deal” to be made here. also, those people ripped the WWF name from vince mcmahon and tried to get rich, but he undercut them and changed the name to WWE. you knew that, though didn’t you? of course.

    moving on…. *changes paper* ah! Human health! another good choice! we all like to be healthy and we should enjoy seeing our neighbors in good health. but again, jose – this isn’t a company or a product, so it might be tough to get any “deals” with this movement, unless you’re talking about big pharma. which probably wouldn’t touch you with a 100-foot pole with your background. hmm…

    which brings us… to….. Environmental. yeah, again – not a company. nor a product. you’re gonna have to shoot for something else here. something that you’re equally passionate about, and equally involved in. something that you can relate with, but also a real company and a real product…..

    Beer companies!? hold on, i am also a representative of former dallas cowboy center randy cross, and i once got him a spot where he didn’t have to degrade himself on TV for a beer spot…..

  12. sportsdrenched - Jan 2, 2013 at 5:51 PM

    I got to thinking. The winter would go by really fast if we had a daily post dedicated to breaking down the tweets & other thoughts from Jose until spring training.

    • paperlions - Jan 3, 2013 at 7:32 AM

      Nah, it would still go by at the same speed, that that would probably make the off season both better and funner.

  13. shzastl - Jan 2, 2013 at 6:01 PM

    “A List entertainer”, lol

  14. b453841l - Jan 2, 2013 at 6:30 PM

    I like how he is going to use his “A List” status for “doing reality.”

  15. cowboysoldiertx - Jan 2, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    And to think I just wanted to break all the 10 commandments for my new year res! I <3 you Jose!

  16. newkirk850 - Jan 2, 2013 at 7:23 PM

    Classic Jose. I think the juice is messing with that melon of his. Just sad!

  17. bobwsc - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:08 PM

    only Chuck Norris could tie off this list.

  18. Jonny 5 - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    6. Get elected to a important political office in the U.S. or canada to help all people and governments with there problems.

    He sounds like the dumbest beauty contestant ever. And that’s without looking at his grammatical errors. Not that I’m anything special on a literary level or anything, but duuuude It’s “their”, not “there”, and even though Canada is a terrible frigid wasteland filled with beaver, moose, and evil redheads, it does get a big “C” on it anyway. Like big Cuba, just wayyy colder and less advanced. ;>P

  19. ningenito78 - Jan 2, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    @El Bravo- now that’s funny.

  20. joegolfer - Jan 2, 2013 at 9:12 PM

    Canseco’s list, continued:

    11. Learn to spell.
    12. Learn that I am NOT an “A-List” celebrity.
    13. Learn humility.
    14. Learn that no one wants to see me do anything in the public arena.
    15. Get reality check.
    16. See psychiatrist to get my meds regulated.
    17. Google the term “Delusions of Grandeur”.

  21. jhorton83 - Jan 2, 2013 at 9:26 PM

    The Iron Sheik does not approve of these resolutions.

  22. philliesblow - Jan 2, 2013 at 9:50 PM

    His first resolution is cool. Based on the spelling and counting abilities shown by the rest of this list, I think he should focus on #6. While it’s a selected, not elected, position, he seems a natural for Secretary of Education.

  23. iladel90 - Jan 2, 2013 at 10:54 PM

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  25. weaselpuppy - Jan 2, 2013 at 11:41 PM

    My Jose Canseco resolutions for 2013

    1) Look up his ex-wife’s insanely hot Playboy spread.
    3) Profit

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