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Pete Rose’s new reality show is exactly what you’d expect

Jan 14, 2013, 1:18 PM EDT

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Jeff Kent was on “Survivor” this season and I recapped every episode until he got voted off the island, but I just couldn’t bring myself to recap the new Pete Rose reality show that premiered on TLC last night.

Luckily (or feel free to choose another word) Will Leitch of Sports on Earth made the great sacrifice of actually watching and recapping “Pete Rose Hits & Mrs” in the form of “a semi-comprehensive list of everything Pete Rose does” on the show.

Some highlights:

• Boasts in voiceover that his fiancée Kiana Kim, a woman 35 years his junior whom we see posing for pictures, is “one of the only two Korean girls to be in ‘Playboy.’”

• Touches Kiana’s breasts.

• Touches Kiana’s breasts.

• Touches Kiana’s breasts.

• Complains about Kiana’s decision to have her breast implants taken out: “Bigger’s still better.”

• Needles Kiana for, at the time they met, knowing who Steve Garvey was, but not him. “I got twice as many hits as Steve Garvey.”

• Says Kiana “was good-lookin’. That’s why I noticed her. But that wasn’t the sole reason why I pursued her. She was built good too.”

And there’s a lot more where that came from. Like, really, a lot more.

  1. aceshigh11 - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Wow, what a farce. Classy.

  2. philsieg - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:32 PM

    You have no idea how difficult Pete Rose makes it to remain a Reds’ fan.

    • mmason0071 - Jan 14, 2013 at 10:46 PM

      Oh, c’mon. Reds fans and the whole city of Cincinnati have known what an idiot and jerk he is since 1963. We didn’t care as long as he hit.more baseballs than wives and sons. And frankly, it looks like he hit a double (D) this time.

  3. El Bravo - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:34 PM

    Comments poll! Which is your favorite nickname for this cute couple?

    Thumbs up for “Felons and Melons”

    Thumbs down for “Hits and Tits”

    • Caught Looking - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM

      More like “Tits and Ass”

    • professormaddog31 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:10 PM

      I think you put the “s” in the wrong spot in “hits” there. :D

      /kidding. slightly.

    • El Bravo - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:14 PM

      Hits and Tits is running away with this thing!

      • cur68 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:16 PM

        First thumb click I’ve handed out in months and it was for “Hits & Tits”. I’m so proud….

  4. Ben - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:38 PM

    • Touches Kiana’s breasts.

    Get this man into the Hall of Fame, posthaste.

    • Caught Looking - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:07 PM

      A little surprised considering he was more of a singles hitter and didn’t get to second base that often when playing.

      • philsieg - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:12 PM

        Actually, he lead the league in scoring four times. Boggles the mind but there it is.

  5. paperlions - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    I love that he repeatedly goes 3rd person a la Rickey Henderson.

    Felons and Melons = gold

    • gostlcards5 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:01 PM

      “Hits and Tits” is pretty farking good, too….

      • paperlions - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:13 PM

        Agreed. Sometimes there are no winners and losers, just winners and winners. I think this is one of those times.

  6. mrrooch - Jan 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM

    The Learning Channel is awesome.
    Total Loser Channel.

  7. jayquintana - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:02 PM

    Those are implants? Like, no way. What’s next, guys used steroids in baseball?

  8. skids003 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    What in the hell could she see in him?

    • professormaddog31 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM

      Man, I was thinking the exact same thing. There are literally hundreds of ex-MLBers who have more money, are better looking, arguably more intelligent, and have more charm than Charlie Hustle. You can’t tell me that he’s rolling in dough – the market is oversaturated with “I’m Sorry I Bet On Baseball” baseballs.

      • skids003 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:12 PM

        For sure, charming he’s not. Maybe it’s publicity? Jeez….

    • philsieg - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:58 PM

      Arturo Toscanini was rehearsing an opera for live performance and was having a difficult time with his particularly well-endowed soprano. One day, after a long and frustrating rehearsal fraught with mistakes, he threw his baton in the air, glared at the soprano and exclaimed, “If only those were brains!”. Perhaps something similar is going on here.

    • indaburg - Jan 14, 2013 at 3:45 PM

      $kid$003, I can’t imagine what $he $ee$ in Pete Ro$e.

      • skids003 - Jan 14, 2013 at 3:50 PM

        He must have a bunch stashed back. Or charges an arm and a leg for autographs,?

    • anxovies - Jan 15, 2013 at 3:11 PM

      Reggie was already taken and Ricky never got to first base with her.

  9. The Dangerous Mabry - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:05 PM

    “I got twice as many hits as Steve Garvey.”

    And Steve Garvey hit almost twice as many home runs. Which goes to show once again, that chicks do in fact dig the long ball.

  10. qcubed3 - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:06 PM

    And while Rose has been retired for years, he’s still getting to second base like clockwork.

  11. papacrick - Jan 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM

    Winning!

  12. youknowwhatsgoodforshoulderpain - Jan 14, 2013 at 3:18 PM

    They really are dragging out this engagement, no?

  13. blingslade - Jan 14, 2013 at 4:35 PM

    Really, how much longer does Pete truly have?

  14. tampajoey - Jan 14, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    Pete Rose is an unlikeable douche.

  15. banger60 - Jan 14, 2013 at 9:51 PM

    It has to be the dumbest and funniest thing I’ve seen, nice juggs
    make me happy, happy, happy!!

  16. crawdaddybob - Jan 15, 2013 at 12:58 AM

    I watched this just to be able to witness this trainwreck first hand. WOW! Charlie Hustle must be thanking his lucky stars for the wonderful invention of Viagra…lmao

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