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Deep Thoughts: the Quad-A Cafe

Jan 18, 2013, 5:07 PM EDT

Bar

Someone mentioned “quad-A” players earlier. I tend to call them AAAA-guys, but you know who I mean. Players who are too good for Triple-A but can’t seem to cut it in the bigs. Mat Gamel was the one mentioned in the comment, but there are a bunch of them floating around.

Extremely bored, I started daydreaming and imagined the Quad-A guys all meeting for a convention. An annual get-together or something where they talk about the challenges of having no place. Maybe it’s more of a support group thing, during which these guys deal with the unique problem of sometimes being so much better than those around them, sometimes being worse, and never having peace and comfort because of it.

But then I just thought, nah, they need a bar. The Quad-A Cafe, maybe.  I mused to Twitter what it might be like.  I then got a bunch of great responses:

@suss2hyphens: It would have a low ceiling and go on for years.

@SouthSideSox: The menu consists of a few cups of coffee.

@SSS_UGod:  And some pop, but not as much as you’d like.

@guyd10: Clearly would have a coffee maker, but the coffee would only be available in September…

@DangerousMabry: It would boast a list of 135 whiskys. But they’d all be Canadian.

@stevesimas: They’d have a “B” grade from the Dept. of Health in the window.

@EvansiPhone4s: servers would always be missing 1 tool

@SteveGlauber: TVs always set to ESPN2

@RDansky: The BPro guys would constantly be clamoring for it to get a shot at a better location.

@EnnHaitch: Might just be really inconsistent.

@matthiasbostick: after a bad zagat review, people on the internet would argue about whether it had been given a fair chance

Pull up a chair and let the bartender of the Quad-A Cafe, Roberto Petagine, pour you an OK, but not spectacular drink.  Then, if you’re hungry, allow our cook, Ken Phelps, to make you a totally adequate burger that does not quite meet your expectations.  But make sure you behave yourself or else our bouncer, Jeff Clement, will throw you out.

Wait, who am I kidding? If Jeff Clement could throw anyone out he wouldn’t be at the Quad-A in the first place.

  1. cur68 - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:15 PM

    There’s, like, 40 or 50 guys either laughing their asses off or cursing your name right now, Calcaterra.

    Regardless, the jukebox in this here dive only plays “Centerfield”. All the regulars sing along to it.

  2. tfbuckfutter - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:15 PM

    The best place for the bar would be right outside Fenway.

    Nearest the outfield, preferably.

  3. sgtr0c - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM

    my vote is to call them A-squared.

    • tfbuckfutter - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:00 PM

      Umm….

      Wouldn’t it be A-to-the-Fourth-Power?

      A-squared would be AA. And we’re not talking about the Royals here.

      • sgtr0c - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:04 PM

        My bad, ok, A- cubed then

      • tfbuckfutter - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:08 PM

        Is….is that one a joke?

  4. randygnyc - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:28 PM

    They meet up annually. It’s called spring training.

  5. kalinedrive - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:28 PM

    The menu wouldn’t list appetizers as “Starters”, it would just have “Long Relievers.”

    • tuberippin - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:44 PM

      As long as they’re not serving LOOGYs

  6. kalinedrive - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:32 PM

    The food’s not bad, but you have to bus your own table.

    • Reflex - Jan 18, 2013 at 7:32 PM

      No waitresses, only bussers…

  7. snowbirdgothic - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:33 PM

    No chairs. All the seating is benches.

  8. kalinedrive - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:35 PM

    You order your meals by number like Chinese takeout, but the numbers start at 51.

  9. chacochicken - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:47 PM

    You can’t have just one drink and you’ve got to go back several times to have an adequate sample size. Really good once you’ve been their 400 times.

  10. kalinedrive - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:55 PM

    Manager’s pep talk: “So you might not be Rookie of the Year, you can still be Employee of the Month! Now get out there and sling the old horsehide around, meat.”

    (2 weeks later) “Sorry kid, we’ve decided to go in another direction. But I hear Pizza Hut is looking for someone who can drive ‘em home.”

  11. anxovies - Jan 18, 2013 at 5:58 PM

    Don’t worry Craig, it is always darkest before the dawn. Less than a month before spring training opens. It will be over soon.

    • historiophiliac - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:50 PM

      This is, frankly, now the most painful part of the post-season.

      • historiophiliac - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:50 PM

        Off-season. Dangit! Edit function!

  12. The Dangerous Mabry - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:24 PM

    There’s a red card hanging above the urinal.

  13. Detroit Michael - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:36 PM

    Actually, Ken Phelps ended up having a fine MLB career, with a terrific HR/FB rate. Although the Yankees trade of Jay Buhner for Phelps didn’t work out so well!

  14. albertmn - Jan 18, 2013 at 6:50 PM

    You don’t call ahead for reservations, they call you up if they need a table filled for a little bit.

  15. sleepyirv - Jan 18, 2013 at 8:19 PM

    They have emergency starts instead of emergency exits.

  16. josephlindstrom - Jan 18, 2013 at 11:45 PM

    You can safely assume that the older guys in the bar are only allowed to stick around because they’re left-handed.

  17. josephlindstrom - Jan 18, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    Most customers avoid the sliders altogether, but when the waitress brings out a tray of above-average sliders, nobody can figure out how to eat them. They usually end up on the ground.

  18. josephlindstrom - Jan 18, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    Lots of bar fights because some of these guys will swing at anything.

  19. josephlindstrom - Jan 18, 2013 at 11:47 PM

    On any given night there are like 15 guys who are getting drunk and bellowing to anybody who will listen that they’re life would have been better had they not met some guy named Tommy John.

  20. josephlindstrom - Jan 18, 2013 at 11:49 PM

    Most patrons are pretty cool, in general nobody steals stuff out of the bar. Except for a few guys who seem to ONLY steal stuff. I think they’re stealing to feed some kind of habit. They might be on meth or maybe crack, but I can tell you for sure that they’re never on base.

  21. revansrevenant - Jan 21, 2013 at 7:40 PM

    When it’s closing time, they stay at the bar, because they can’t make it home.

  22. bh192012 - Jan 22, 2013 at 7:33 PM

    Heavily used bus stop nearby.

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