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Advice to A-Rod that, if taken, will make people’s heads explode

Jan 30, 2013, 10:30 AM EDT

Alex Rodriguez Getty Getty Images

I doubt A-Rod would take this advice. He’s gone in with a full denial and likely will keep that up until he either skates clear or gets suspended by Major League Baseball. But if A-Rod really and truly wanted to try something novel and fun he’d ignore all those people who are suggesting he try to commit insurance fraud and simply own up to taking PEDs. Not out of a sense of responsibility, but out of a sense of pure unadulterated mischief.

He should walk into Bud Selig’s office tomorrow morning, put his good leg up on the desk and say “Bud, gotta tell ya. I took PEDs last year. I was rotten with the stuff. I’ll sign an affidavit to that effect right now and agree to waive any appeal of discipline. Give me my 50 game suspension, please.”

His suspension would then begin on Opening Day and last until Monday, May 27. All the while A-Rod was on the disabled list rehabbing from his hip surgery.  He’d be out money, but he’d not miss a single game that he’d otherwise play in. The Joint Drug Agreement allows it.  Edinson Volquez and Freddy Galvis each served their own PED suspensions while on the DL.  There’s no way around it.

And when it happened, the media’s collective heads would explode. The outrage would be so great it would create shortages. The government would only allow you to have outrage, like, every other day depending on whether your license plate ends in an odd or even number. We’d be on an outrage war footing, really.

He won’t do it. But man, if he did, it’d be glorious.

  1. raysfan1 - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    He might as well. He was condemned by the court of public opinion long ago. Nothing short of a full retraction by the Miami New Times will change that at all–and many will still call him “A-Fraud” at every opportunity. He might as well own it–be the villain, have fun with it, laugh all the way to the bank.

    • annaalamode - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:44 AM

      When has the court of public opinion ever been on A-Rod’s side? I agree that there is some sense to A-Rod copping to it, to getting out in front of the story and the maybe, possible suspension. But there is a reason we have a real investigative process by both the DEA and MLB and that is because letting the court of public opinion condemn someone doesn’t benefit anyone.

      • Chris Fiorentino - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:59 AM

        When SHOULD the court of public opinion ever have been on A-Rod’s side? When he was upstaging the World Series by opting out of his contract during a game? When he was taking steroids in 2001-2003? When he was taking them again from 2009-present? When he was handing women in the stands a ball with his number during a game?

        The guy is a creep…always was and always will be. Ten times more of a creep than Barry Bonds ever was, but for some reason, Bonds is crucified and A-Rod is defended to no end. I have no idea whatsoever why.

      • nategearhart - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:02 AM

        I say don’t crucify either, just enjoy watching them play baseball. You’re not hiring them to babysit your kids.

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:05 AM

        When SHOULD the court of public opinion ever have been on A-Rod’s side?

        Granted we have the benefit of hindsight now, but how about from ’01 to ’07 when he averaged 7.8 bWAR, won 3 MVPs and should have won a 4th? As one of the best, if not the best, player in baseball volunteered to move off his position to learn a new one without one hint of disagreement even though he was moving for a worse player? How he mentors all the young players?

        There’s a lot of good things he does and has done, but if you read the ny sports rags it’s like he walks to the plate every game kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies.

      • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:11 AM

        @Chris Fiorentino: So what on your laundry list of offenses against humanity did ARod do that hundreds or thousands of other ball players did not do? Hired Boras as an agent? Let’s remember, it was Boras who announced ARod opting out during prime time. Took PED’s? Let’s look at the list of other guys we know about, and extrapolate to include those we don’t know about. Tried to pick up a girl during a game? Please, that shit probably happens 20 time in every game.

        But well before any of this people decided they didn’t like ARod. So, while he does what many of his peers do, he is singled out as a pariah for doing it,.

      • Chris Fiorentino - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:12 AM

        church, those numbers pale in comparison to the numbers put up by Bonds in his Steroid infused hey day and yet nobody was calling him anything more than a big-headed jerk off. if they are going to be fair, then be fair to Bonds and like what he did at the plate too. I am only talking about the inconsistency. A-Rod is being crucified now, much like Bonds was crucified towards the end of his steroid infested career too. Let’s not start feeling bad for A-Rod now when we were all on the bandwagon of hate for Barry Bonds.

      • Chris Fiorentino - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:14 AM

        Sabathia…like I said to church…he deserves the same amount of vile that Barry Bonds received. if not, then tell me why not?

      • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:46 AM

        @ Chris: Bonds is one end of the spectrum, and someone like David Ortiz or Andy Pettitte is the other end of the spectrum. They were both caught or implicated, but nobody has much bad to say about either. Why does ARod automatically deserve the worst possible treatment, when his behavior is not out of line with many of his peers? For that matter, why does Bonds deserve the excessively negative treatment he receives, when his own story is not much different from so many others?

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:50 AM

        but Chris, remember at the time everyone “knew” Bonds was on ‘roids and he was a general jerk to the media which Arod was neither. Remember all the articles waiting for Arod to take back the “rightful” HR crown because he was doing it clean? The National media was waiting for Arod to break all the records because it was only a slight hint of PED abuse with him. Now, obviously things are different, but as an Arod fan, trust me, the media outside of NY treated him a lot differently. The NY media was just abhorrent towards him.

        Also, ’01 to ’07 was the tail end of Bonds career, so he had a better peak, but the overall value Arod > Bonds since ’05 to ’07 was Bonds’s age 40-42 season.

      • Chris Fiorentino - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:45 PM

        I agree sabathia. I don’t think either deserves the abuse they get from the media. But it’s only fair that if they are going to kill Bonds, they should kill A-Rod equally. I am not sure they should kill anybody actually.

        Church..how did everyone “know” Bonds was on Steroids? Anymore than they “know” A-Rod is on them right now. We have some pretty good evidence that A-Rod has been cheating the last 3 years and everyone here seems to be saying “give A-Rod a chance”. Where was the “chance” when it was Bonds’s ass being held to the fire? And he was far superior a player during his best years than A-Rod ever was. Shoot, Bonds’s best year were HISTORIC great years, not just “good for steroid era” years.

        From 2000-2004 Barry Bonds won 4 and should have won 5 MVP awards. He had a 50 WAR during those 5 years. His OPS+ was 241. His OBP was a sick .535. Over 5 years. I challenge you to find a better 5 year run in baseball history. Even Babe Ruth only had 1 year where his OPS+ was above 241.

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 30, 2013 at 1:07 PM

        Church..how did everyone “know” Bonds was on Steroids? Anymore than they “know” A-Rod is on them right now. We have some pretty good evidence that A-Rod has been cheating the last 3 years and everyone here seems to be saying “give A-Rod a chance”. Where was the “chance” when it was Bonds’s ass being held to the fire? And he was far superior a player during his best years than A-Rod ever was. Shoot, Bonds’s best year were HISTORIC great years, not just “good for steroid era” years

        I’m not saying knew like they had scientific proof, but are you really arguing that the steroid whisper campaign against Bonds didn’t start until Game of Shadows came out? Even Bill Simmons during his stupid cartoon phase was making jokes where someone had a Bonds rookie card and then looked at real Bonds with his oversized head (can’t find a copy, those cartoons were awful but they were run in ’04/’05). Again, no one had proof that Bonds was taking ‘roids, but the cartoonish way he blew up in SF had many people openly questioning how he got that big. There was never that type of whisper campaign vs Arod until the reports of the leaked ’03 results came out.

        As for Bonds vs Arod, I’m talking specifically about ’01 to ’07, the years he played in TX and in NY. Run a google search on firejoemorgan.com and Alex Rodriguez, and look at some of the absurd articles that were written by Mike Celizic, Mike Lupica and others. Here’s an article from ’06 where Richard Justice argues the Astro’s shouldn’t consider Arod for a trade, even though from ’04 to ’06 he put up:

        .299/.396/.549, 145 OPS+, 40hr, 119rbi and 116 R a season averaging 6.9 bWAR

        http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2006/10/sportswriters-if-youre-going-to-blog.html

    • ptfu - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:54 AM

      Well, he wouldn’t get paid due to the suspension, so he couldn’t laugh ALL the way to the bank. But I see your & Craig’s larger point and agree with it.

      Maximizing playing time is important if you’re chasing history.

    • cur68 - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:47 AM

      Yep. He WAS condemned and is currently being shafted again. No one’s citing any evidence beyond some leaked notes. What’s more, members of the press are doing nothing to quell the rush to condemnation. They’re pouring fuel on the fire and going to press with whatever tickles their colon the most. You’d think the media would just report the news, citing the validity and limitations of their sources, but no. A good few are out there suggesting Rodriguez commit fraud and give up his career.

      I do not like Alex Rodriguez. Like, at all. BUT nothing he’s done as a ballplayer deserves this kind of treatment.

    • southofheaven81 - Jan 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM

      I’ve said for years that the guy just needs to embrace the hate & become MLB’s Ric Flair. WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. paint771 - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:39 AM

    Also, when he does return, he needs to do so as his new alter-ego, El Cacique, a Mexican wrestling heel who spends most of his time between plays taunting the crowd, before deliberately and gruesomely breaking his own leg with his bat in the 8th inning before cackling wildly and going back on the DL, preferably rehabbing by burning stacks of money to keep the team whirpool tank hot.

    • paint771 - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:40 AM

      …and then sign with Boston and have a career year.

    • paint771 - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:43 AM

      Also, sleeping with Hannah Davis live on webcam while pointing to the camera the whole time with an Icy Hot Stuntaz look on his face.

      • ditto65 - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:31 PM

        With a mirror, wearing a Yankees hat with one of those red prohibited circle with a line thingys over the NY symbol.

  3. historiophiliac - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    He should take a page from Pierzynski’s playbook and just embrace his negative image. Work your contract and just let everyone spazz about what to do with your numbers as they will.

  4. mazblast - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    I’m not sure about this, but I don’t believe that the Players’ Association permits any waiver or admission like you mentioned. He can admit to using PEDs, sign an affidavit, sign a waiver, and the PA will still file a grievance–and probably win. That would be the best of all possible worlds for A-Roid–He admits, misses no actual playing time, and gets paid.

    The only thing keeping this from working is that it’s probably close to impossible to tear him away from his mirror.

    • historiophiliac - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:45 AM

      You don’t think he has a compact?

  5. jarathen - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:45 AM

    One thing I always liked about Barry Bonds is that he was willing to be the villain. And honestly, baseball was better for it.

    So Alex, search your feelings. You know it to be true. It is your destiny. Join Bonds, and together, you can rule the galaxy.

    • bobwsc - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:52 AM

      who would be the Emperor in this instance?

      • jarathen - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:15 AM

        That’s open to debate. Maybe Pete Rose. Or Reggie Jackson. Or Ty Cobb. Or George Steinbrenner.

      • bobwsc - Jan 30, 2013 at 1:57 PM

        Canseco, if we’re talking emperor of juice?

      • jarathen - Jan 30, 2013 at 2:00 PM

        That’s a good one. Villain, embraces image, was the face of juicing. Good call.

      • bobwsc - Jan 30, 2013 at 2:07 PM

        licensing opp

    • nategearhart - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:55 AM

      But he’s not a villain. He’s just a doofus.

  6. number42is1 - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:55 AM

    What if he is innocent?

    • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:13 AM

      You and your reasoned approach to a complex issue must be lost. This is the internet.

    • paint771 - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:25 AM

      SHTU YOUR FACEHOLE!!!>!!!L!

    • raysfan1 - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:44 AM

      Reality is not reality. Perception is reality. Even if he is innocent, he is still guilty. Thou shalt not attempt to alter the narrative.

    • cur68 - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:01 PM

      Every sportswriter in the land just guffawed at you.

      • number42is1 - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:03 PM

        i know, i know… the most unpopular opinion since i said that the Yanks should trade Cano

      • historiophiliac - Jan 30, 2013 at 2:50 PM

        Cano? Didn’t he used to be on the Yankees too? Man, I haven’t heard of him in AGES.

  7. zipsports - Jan 30, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    I can’t believe all of the people that are acting like A-Rod is some sort of victim here. Of course nothing is proven yet, but given his past I would be hesitant to cry for poor old A-Rod.

    • mrfloydpink - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:05 AM

      Which sentence in the post above, which comment, which ANYTHING has portrayed A-Rod as a victim?

      • zipsports - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:18 AM

        I am pretty much referring to everything that Craig has written the last two days, plus the comments that followed. People are painting Rodriguez as some sort of victim.

        He may be innocent of this. That’s possible although I don’t think that it’s probable. When you cheat once, you open yourself up to this type of scrutiny when your name pops up in something like this.

  8. blingslade - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:01 AM

    What’s cool is now A-Rod’s entire career will be forever known as a fraud and treated like it never happened.

    • kirkvanhouten - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:32 AM

      …except for all the times his teams beat other teams when he helped drive in runs and played defense….cause, you know…that’s the point of the game.

  9. blingslade - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:02 AM

    You know, a lot of times A-Rod looks like a woman. Not trying to be mean but if that’s what that stuff does to you, well, you can keep it.

    • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:07 AM

      To each their own, but what kind of women are you hanging around with that are 6’3″ and 225lbs of muscle?

      • blingslade - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:14 AM

        A-Broad lol.

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:53 AM

        A-Broad lol.

        http://i.imgur.com/mEHWEty.gif

        *sfw

  10. hitdog042 - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:06 AM

    All fine and dandy but a player can’t serve his suspension while on the DL.

    • nategearhart - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:10 AM

      He most certainly can.

    • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:15 AM

      Did you read the whole post? Volquez and Galvis both did it last season, to minimal outrage.

      • gloccamorra - Jan 30, 2013 at 1:27 PM

        Volquez did it in 2010, last year he had 32 starts, the year before it was 33 starts, majors and minors combined. Besides, he was being treated by Reds doctors for low testosterone with a legal drug and MLB knew it. When he went home to the Dominican Republic, he couldn’t get a refill and a doctor prescribed a more appropriate but banned drug. He was tested after TJ surgery when he arrived at spring training to begin his physical rehab program.

        Galvis noted last year that his test detected a trace amount, 80 parts per billion, and denied knowingly taking drugs. His performance sure didn’t look like he was “juiced” (.226/.254/.363) and he chose not to challenge the ruling since the Phillies were out of the race by then.

      • sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 2:22 PM

        Either way, there is precedent that suspensions and DL stints can overlap.

  11. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Jan 30, 2013 at 11:21 AM

    What is lost in all of this is that Alex’s performance, when he is on the field, still makes him a top 10 3B if not better. If the Yankees cut him, they would have no internal replacement and the best free agent available would be ARod.

    • ditto65 - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:36 PM

      And they could re-sign him for 10 years/$400,000,000

  12. Ducky Medwick - Jan 30, 2013 at 12:40 PM

    After serving his suspension, Loria takes on ARod’s contract to get the union off his ass for payroll (Marlins have 5.5 M on the books for ’14, including 4M for Heath Bell to play in AZ). Two thousand sports writers quit their jobs, join Tibetan monasteries, ponder their cosmic insignificance.

    • gloccamorra - Jan 30, 2013 at 1:30 PM

      That would be bad news for Tibetan Monasteries.

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